


Life is just fine and then a hiccup

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-13
Updated: 2006-02-01
Packaged: 2018-12-27 14:24:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 52,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Set several years past season finale. Life continues for Brian and Justin.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

That is how you find out. Not with a grand announcement or a glorified monologue, just a talk. Two or three people in a room sitting around a low table, or worse, across from each other at a desk. That's how Brian found out. Looking back on it later, much much later, he felt cheated. There should have been a moment of epiphany, lights blinking on, glitter falling from the sky, maybe a triumphant piece of music, but there was none of that. There was the sound of breathing.

After that there was a long period of detached organizational thinking. Questions like, "Is this forever?", "How will this change us?", "Where do we begin?" all filled his head along with countless others. His business persona took over, he had plans to make and people to call. There would be endless appointments to schedule to meet firm deadlines. Other professionals, with skills outside his expertise would need to be brought on board. He would need to create a good flow of information so others could successfully carry out their tasks when the complete game plan was clear. Who should he contact first? Brian concluded within the first ten minutes of the meeting that only he could be trusted with these most important first steps. All the usual suspects could be called upon at a later date.

Again his focus shifted, from organizer, to listener. It is difficult to get uninterrupted time with this group of people, their time is important and rarely do so many gather for a meeting like this. He needed to stay focused. 

He jotted several things down on the legal pad he brought for this very purpose. Then he sat back to listen. Many of the terms being tossed back and forth by the group were unfamiliar to him. He felt like he was back in college. A time when his world opened up and he realized how little his relatively sheltered youth prepared him for it. That is exactly how he felt now. But just as he had before, he would conquer this new huge unknown before him. He left college with a master's degree and a bank of knowledge, he had over 15 years experience in his chosen field, and he was not done learning, mastering, or conquering any of it yet. This was just more of what Brian was good at. To gain more, learn more, understand and fix more was what he was all about. As he grew older he realized all of it was to have more of the important things in life, more knowledge, more compassion, more drive, more money, and even he had to admit now, more love. 

Sitting in this meeting, being ignorant to so much of the information that was being shared he began to focus on what he did know. Justin. He knew Justin. He sat next to Jennifer looking and listening to all five experts tell him what had happened, what was happening right now, and what needed to happen in the future to ensure positive results. He knew Justin. So when things like, "...bone crushing injury..." or "...C5 possible C6 spinal injury..." were mentioned - he knew those. Other things he did not know or understand. He knew Justin, and he knew they had a hell of a learning curve in front of them. Many years ago they had tackled unknowns like this. They had done it in classical dysfunctional style, but not anymore. This one, or rather all of these unknowns, they would tackle together.

When the meeting was over, Brian and Jennifer stood to shake hands and thank all the participants. His head was spinning. He looked at Jennifer and could tell by her expression she was overwhelmed. It was good to have a meeting like this, everyone on the same page it really does benefit the client Brian thought. There would be less overlapping of care, less holes made by mixed or lost messages, more direct goals and in the end, better care for Justin. Better care for Justin. The more he thought about it, the more it was overwhelming to him too. But seeing as how Jennifer was already overwhelmed, it would not do anyone any good to have him overwhelmed and incapacitated. Luckily, he had his own notes, and a written "game plan" from the team of doctors and therapists. It was now time to get back to the reason for all of this. 

He spoke briefly with Jennifer as they gathered their things from the meeting room. She came out of her "information overload" quickly and Brian could tell she wanted to move forward. Sadly for her, that involved going home. There were many domestic items to attend to, she had been out of her loop at home for several days, and needed to touch base with the people there. They agreed she would call Deb and Mikey who would in turn, call everyone else in the family. Brian thanked her for taking on that duty. It may seem like just two phone calls, but it would be emotionally draining and they were both so tired. His job at the moment was the one he preferred. He was going back to Justin. There was a lot of talking to do.


	2. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

They were alone in his room and that’s the way Brian liked it. When he returned from the organizational meeting Justin was asleep. Brian settled into the chair by his bed. He now had a bit of time to collect his thoughts. The meeting went well. It had been led by Judy Goldberg, Justin’s program manager. Again, another light bulb moment, you now the injuries are horrid when you are assigned a ‘program for recovery’ manager. She had gathered the doctor, both physical and occupational therapists, and the rehabilitation nurse to discuss Justin’s recovery plan. Dr. Lebowitz shared a summary of what had happened to Justin. But Brian was familiar with that chapter of the story. His mind drifted back to Justin’s accident. 

Brian had gathered enough information from the police, Mikey, and Jennifer to piece together what happened. When Justin finally came around, he could add his two cents as well. It seems that Justin had finished lunch with Mikey. They were going over the next issue of ‘Rage’. He had stayed at the restaurant for about ten minutes to check his schedule. He even called Brian to let him know his afternoon had been freed up and he was heading out to the WV house early. Brian was in Raleigh on business and he was coming home sometime the following day. After the call Justin packed up his story boards and headed out.

The car hit him as he crossed the street. Justin had the right of way, the driver, who was advanced in age, was at fault. Brian could only guess at why Justin did not get out of the way. Maybe he was preoccupied with his story boards, or trying to get a quick call into someone - his phone was found shattered on the other side of the intersection, or maybe it just happened too quickly for him to react.

Justin’s legs were crushed. He hit his head on both the hood of the car and the pavement. Lots of people, including Mikey, were around to see what happened. The ambulance arrived within minutes. Brain was glad Mikey was with him, even if Justin was unconscious. He never woke up at the scene, well in all honesty, he still had not completely woken up. The EMT’s had no way of knowing how severe his head trauma was. It was easy to see the damage to his legs. It doesn’t take an expert to see bones sticking out of flesh, and know that it is bad. At least that’s what Brian thought when Mikey told him what he had seen. Justin’s neck was immobilized and he was put on a board to stabilize his spine. According to the EMT’s notes, and Mickey’s extensive recounting he had compound fractures in both femurs, right and left. His vital signs stayed strong on the trip to Memorial. They have the best trauma center in Pittsburgh. That was another piece in the puzzle that showed how devastating Justin’s injuries were. He stayed briefly in the emergency room while the doctors assessed his injuries. 

His right leg was unresponsive to stimulus, so they quickly stabilized the bone and checked for returning blood flow. It came back. One injury dealt with. Miraculously he had no internal injuries. His legs, his head, and his spine had taken the brunt of the impact damage. While a small group dealt with his leg, another checked on the head and neck injuries. His brain swelled, but not to the extent it had so many years ago when his head came too close to a baseball bat. A small favor granted to Justin. He did suffer from a central chord injury. It was dicey at first if he had a class D spinal injury or the central chord injury. Again, if you call it a favor, he was given the less devastating injury. But all that came later. At that time, Justin went to surgery to repair his battered legs. After four hours the surgery was complete. 

It was at this point that Brian got a call from Jennifer. Justin’s Mom had been waiting for word from the surgical team before contacting Brian again. Mickey had called him from the scene, and Brian had immediately cut his trip short and headed to the airport to catch whatever flight he could to get home. He was waiting to board a flight when he received Jennifer’s call. Her voice was weary and alarmingly neutral as she caught him up to speed on Justin’s progress. The surgeon had told her that Justin did as well as they could expect. He gave his a 75% chance of walking again. This percentage depended greatly on the extent of his spinal injury. Jen shrank at the number, but Brain smiled knowing that Justin’s will alone would raise that to at least 85%. He would walk again. 

With little fanfare he was moved to ICU. There were still unresolved issues to attend to. It became a waiting game. Would the swelling go down on its own or would he need to have a hole drilled into his skull to relieve the pressure? To what extent was his spine damaged? So time passed.

Brian arrived to this scene several hours later. Enough time had elapsed that family had already gathered. Jen embraced him and Brian could almost feel her relief at not having to lead this horrible show. He took over effortlessly. Justin was his partner of eleven years. He was his life. Brian sent all the other family home, telling them that Justin would need them fresh and well rested later. It took more convincing for Jen, but in the end she gave in, telling Brian she would be back the next day and to call if there was any change.

He took up his vigil with Justin. Brian thought to himself that it did not look like Justin. Every tube, bandage, brace, or machine you could think of was attached to him. He hardly even looked human. You could barely see where the medical miracles stopped and his partner began. His skin tone was gray and when Brian noticed it he broke down. He quietly cried. He gingerly touched the wisps of blond hair sticking out from under the bandage. He wiped his eyes as he told Justin all the cliche things society dictates you say at a time like this. It was an hour later that Brian stood up from his vigil and approached the nurses. 

Reluctant introductions were given, no one wants to meet a person at an ICU unit. Brian begged any information they could share. He was told that the swelling was beginning to go down, the doctor was guardedly optimistic that Justin would not need further help in that capacity. Brian smiled to himself thinking that was good news, Justin had enough holes in his head to last a lifetime. He was still completely unconscious and could remain that way for several more hours. When he asked about Justin’s ability to breath on his own, he was told that with most spinal injuries the patient is intubated to ease air flow. When Justin regained consciousness his ability to breath on his own would be evaluated. So he would stay intubated until he woke up. In addition, it is usually three days from injury that a full neurological exam is done, that would give a better picture of the extent of damage to his brain. The nurses’ explanations were simple and given easily. They both assured him that the doctor on call would make rounds in the next few hours to answer any other questions. 

Time passed and the doctor had made his rounds, Brian asked more questions, and continued to wait. When Justin woke up it was slow going. His eyes fluttered then closed. Brian called in the nurse. She held his hand and called out to Justin in a loud voice, she encouraged Brian to do the same. He did. Justin’s eyes opened and seemed to see nothing. Then they closed again. But it was just the beginning. In the following hours he made more organized movements and finally, 17 hours after surgery, he really ‘woke up’. He tracked Brian’s movement and voice. He watched Brian cry and he gave a slight squeeze to his fingers. He watched the nurse do her duties and even nodded to the doctor in response to simple questions. Jennifer had called several times through all this, but at the nurse’s and Brian’s pleading stayed away until Justin was a bit more settled. She agreed only after Brian handed the phone over to the nurse and she explained that the less people cluttering his room, the more effort Justin could put into waking up. Approximately two days after his accident, he was removed from the ventilator and commenced breathing on his own. This was another indicator that the spine was not damaged as much as previously thought. Another good sign. 

Their family began stopping by for brief warm visits. Everyone shed tears, but tried to hide them. A lot of them said prayers, and regardless of Brian’s shrug off, thanked God out loud. Through all of this Brian stayed. He showered at the hospital. He slept in a chair, or if there was a compassionate nurse and an empty bed, he slept in it. The family brought him clothes and food. He survived on hospital coffee, which was not as bad as he originally thought. Work was on hold and Brian thought to himself that it was the nicest thing about being the man at the top with great people under you, one thing less to worry about. 

This whole time, as the hours ticked by, Justin revived himself a little bit more. He could not hold Brian’s hand, but he could sporadically give his fingers a slight squeeze. He did not speak more than a few simple words. Everyone had heard him say, “Bri” on more than one occasion, and he groan to indicate pain. Luckily he was on an IV drip to ease the pain’s impact, because it seemed to Brian that Justin had a lot of pain. He winced, and on rare occasions when Brian made a complete fool of himself in some way or another, he seemed to smile. 

That was the way the last five days had been. And now here he was, sitting next to Justin’s bed. His head was full of plans for recovery, schedules for therapy, tests to set milestones and accomplishments. He had a lot to share. Luckily Justin was more aware of what happening. He improved with each day. It was baby step improvements, but all in the right direction. Brian looked at him sleeping and considered the future. Considered his present condition. He was still silent, he was not using his arms or hands well, and he seemed to keep his legs so still. These were all symptoms of the central chord syndrome he was suffering from. The condition had a horrible prognosis, with so many mountains to climb to become whole again. And even with putting his entire heart into recovery, ‘being whole again’ might be defined in a different way in the future for Justin. Brian’s mind went a hundred different directions. He was thinking of so much. When he opened his eyes he looked down at Justin. Justin, who was still hooked up to more medical machinery than seemed humanly possible. With that thought, Brian watched Justin open his eyes and look back at him.

There it was, the will to continue in a sea of blue. Brian smiled, no tears this time, he was done with those. There was a lot of work to do, and it all starts with this talk.


	3. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

Brian smiled. Justin’s eyes seemed to focus a bit more as he looked up at him. 

“How you doing sleepy?” Brian asked as he slipped his hand into Justin’s. There was no reply as Justin stared at Brian and his hand. Slowly a look of despair seemed to wash over his face. Brian had not seen this much thinking going on with Justin since he woke up. “What is it?” he asked.

“I can’t feel your hand touching my hand, but I’m looking at it and I can see they are touching. Brian?” The last part was almost choked out. 

Brian smiled, it was a bitter one. Here it goes, he thought to himself.

“Well, first I want to say welcome back. That’s the most you’ve said since you woke up. Glad to see your mouth still works well.” While it was meant to be a cheeky comment, Justin’s look continue to worry Brian so he went on quickly. “Justin, we have a lot to talk about.” As Brian spoke he moved his hand from Justin’s and began to touch his face. He finally rested his hand just over the curve of Justin’s neck. He seemed to respond instantly, moving his head ever so slightly towards Brian’s hand. “Are you up for this right now?”

Justin nodded slowly. “I don’t know why I’m here. I only remember calling you and finishing lunch with Mikey. What the fuck happened?”

“Justin you were hit by a car. You’re right, you had lunch with Mikey, and you called me - do you remember me being away on business?” 

Justin nodded his head slowly.

“Well you packed up from lunch and headed out to the car. You crossed the street and a car hit you. Mikey was there, ask him about when he comes, he’s told me everything, but it would be good for you to hear from him. He was there for you. He called 911, he talked you through all of it, he stayed with you on the ride here.” Brian looked him over and since Justin still had a wide eyed look of curiosity, he continued. “You’ve been here at Memorial for four days now. You hit your head, but don’t panic, from the looks of you that concern has righted itself without much medical help.” He stopped again. This was a whole lot harder than Brian thought it would be. He expected Justin to be more agitated or angry. It seemed that Justin was taking it all in stride, Brian was not sure if he should be proud of him or worried about when it would all come crashing down later. 

“Both of your legs were broken on impact. That’s why there are metal halos all around the both of them now. Each leg has some new metal in it. You have titanium rods, one new knee, another new knee cap, and two stabilizing pins in one leg, three in the other. When the bones set the pins come out.

Justin stopped him at this point. “How long?” he asked.

“Maybe a week, maybe 10 days, it depends on that hyper-allergic system of yours. So far they are doing really well. Do you want to see them?”

Other than looking at their hands, Justin had not looked at his own body. He quietly said yes, and Brian carefully folded down the sheet. With his bed slightly elevated, he had a perfect view of both legs. Even so, Brian helped him lift his head just a bit more so he could see. His legs were swollen, there were round metal frames encasing both of them. But that was not the worst, the worst was looking at the angry spots where the titanium pins seemed to burst out of his flesh to be bolted to the frames. In the silence Justin’s breath came in ragged gulps. 

“Hang on there Justin, don’t do this. I’ll stop, it’s enough for right now. We can talk more later. Take it easy, take it easy.” He was rubbing his neck and shoulder, he did not even realize he was doing it, it seemed to come naturally. He needed to comfort Justin. It was so overwhelming. He was giving him too much at one time. ‘Dammit’, he thought to himself ‘I should have waited longer.’ It was quiet again which made it easy to hear his whisper, “Keep going.”

“Justin, I don’t think so. Christ, I hate this! Are you sure, we can stop. Oh fuck, who am I kidding, you need to hear it all now. The legs will work again, the battle to get you there will suck, but you will walk again.”

His explanation was stopped abruptly when Justin practically shouted, “Brian, what the fuck does a broken leg have to do with not feeling your hands on me?” Justin’s eyes flared with anger, he wanted everything now, no more coddling, no more tender words. Brian was relieved, this was a more typical Justin, one he was used to dealing with.

“Okay, your back was injured in the accident. It was a toss up in the beginning if you broke your back or, to put it simply, just ‘bruised’ it. Well, it’s not broken, JUSTIN DO YOU HEAR ME?! It’s not.” Brian yelled this last part, it needed to penetrate the fog. He couldn’t let him lay there and think his back was broken. That immediately conjures images of wheelchairs, Christopher Reeves, permanent assisted life. Brian did not want this image to take hold in Justin’s mind. He had to keep him out of that deep, deep well of misinformed panic. 

“It’s called a central chord injury. The severity of the symptoms varies for every person who suffers it. Your spine was jarred and taken for a huge shake at impact, it came as close to breaking as it can. Right now, it’s like the nerves and impulses are out of sync. We don’t know how long they will take to relax and realign. It may take weeks, months, years. Everyone is different. The most common issues are finger, hand, and arm paralysis. Sometimes there’s some leg paralysis, but you don’t seem to have any numbness that any staff have noticed. And that’s good, Justin, if you don’t have it now, it won’t come later. You’re at your worst now. It will only improve from here. There’s already been some improvement, you sometimes involuntarily squeeze my hand, that’s a great sign. 

“What else, Brian, don’t stop.”

“Jesus, you look so wiped out, let it go for a bit, we can talk after you sleep.”

“No Brian, I want to hear it all now. Please.” As Justin spoke, the night nurse walked in. 

“Look who’s up and coherent. This is great. Let me check a few things. Justin I heard Brian from my desk just outside, and everything he’s said is true. You are at your lowest right now, things are getting a bit better every day. You have a huge job in front of you for awhile, making yourself better.”

“Brian seems reluctant to tell me the rest, would you be so kind?” Justin looked over at Brian, there were tears in both sets of eyes, but Justin smiled a bit, “We have to get it all out now Brian, I don’t want to waste any time waiting to hear what the hell is going on.”

“Well Justin,” the nurse continued, “There are several more bothersome issues with central chord injuries. They are extremely temperamental, there is the paralysis that Brian spoke of, it can be temporary or permanent. There is no way to know with each individual case, a person continues to recover until they are complete or they hit a wall. The stopping point is different for everyone. 

“There is a lot of pain involved in recovery. Right now you are on a pretty steady drip to keep it at bay. When you’re stronger, you’ll be able to control your own pain management. It’s not a matter of the harder you try the more you’ll recover, your spine has sustained some damage and it will either recover from it over time or it won’t. 

“Brian was also right when he said you will walk again. Nothing anyone has seen with your case indicates paralysis in your legs. You’re battered, but you aren’t down permanently. 

“That’s it in a nutshell. In ICU, if the patient can take it, we tell them everything they want to hear, we don’t pull any punches. Brian didn’t either. I can also tell you that your doctor will make rounds sometime this evening, and I’m sure when he checks in and finds out you’ve regained this level of consciousness, he’ll be here to examine you further. 

“So settle down for now, you’ve just been given a whole bunch of information to digest. Rest. I can’t emphasize that enough. Rest is the best work you can do for you body right now. So let Brian watch his highbrow intellectual shows on TV and rest. We are all here if you need anything.

Justin looked from Brian to the nurse and back again. A small smile played across his lips and he said to both of them, “How long do you think I’ll be able to get this full service until he gets really sick of me? Could I possible get something to drink?”

Brian laughed, gave Justin’s shoulder a bit of a squeeze, and leaned in with a heartfelt kiss on the forehead followed by a bit more passionate one to the lips. He offered Justin tepid water from his bedside pitcher, and after a small but eager drink, both men settled in for some rest.

Tonight they would tackle the exam by the doctor. Tomorrow they would probably get more family visits, but for now it was quiet and they could rest. It was what they both needed.


	4. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

Dr. Lebowitz arrived without much fanfare. Both men were awake and watching TV when he entered the room.

“I hear you are wide awake and conversing with the rest of the world Mr. Taylor. How are you feeling?” He looked briefly at the chart before sitting down on the chair next to Justin’s bed.

“Everything is a bit surreal right now Dr. I’m tired, I hurt - but not much - it’s like a far away hurt, and it’s all over my body. Things make sense but they don’t. Shit, I don’t know how I feel.”

Brian smiled at that last part. Justin was really sounding like the old Justin. It was good to hear. He had lots to ask the doctor, but he held off for the moment. 

Dr. Lebowitz continued, “Justin I want to do some quick tests to see what’s going on with your central nervous system’s signals. Now, I know the nurses and probably Brian here have shared some information with you about your injury. I want to share this with you: regardless of what I see during our test today, your condition will be in a constant state of flux. And while your mobility and sense of feeling will never get permanently worse it will move around a lot. Some days things will feel right, others you’ll ache all day. Some days you’ll be able to move freely, others you’ll need the assistance of canes, braces, etc, and on the worst days you won’t want to move at all. There is a lot of pain involved with this injury. It’s typical, don’t fight it. Let us give you something to help. The pain in daunting at first, but it will diminish with time. Again, every day will be different, so don’t get your hopes pinned on today’s outcome.”

With that said the doctor listened to Justin’s air way for a moment. “Sounds good. You’re pushing air in and out with normal force, that’s a good thing.” 

Then he moved on to check for sensation at each level of Justin’s arms from the shoulder all the way down to the tips of his fingers. Sometimes Justin’s body flinched from the tongue depressor’s ticklish touch, sometimes it didn’t. “Okay, at this point it seems the insides of both arms are a bit dulled to sensitivity. You have the inner fingers dull but outer two on both hands with good sensation. Another good sign, since some finger sensation usually means most or all will come back with therapy and rest.”

 

Justin smiled when he heard this. Brian made an audible sigh of relief. The potential of Justin losing all chances of traditional painting or drawing abilities weighed heavily on both of their minds. In the brief time Justin had been cognizant of his condition they hadn’t talked about the issue of complete hand paralysis, it was good to hear this particular bridge would not have to be crossed.

Next the doctor palpitated Justin’s abdomen and listened to it with his stethoscope. “I hear a lot of movement inside, another good sign, your digestive track is working and sounds hungry.”

Brian finally interrupted, “When can he eat real food? He’s been on a liquid diet for five days now.”

Dr. Lebowitz smiled and said, “I don’t see why you can’t start on soft food at your next meal. Just take it slow.”

It was Justin’s turn to smile, “I don’t know if I want to eat anything, I really feel like shit all of a sudden. Is this what you’re talking about ‘a state of flux’?” The doctor nodded his head in agreement with Justin’s observation.

“I want to finish this exam on the legs.” He pulled back the sheets and looked over all the metal rod exit points on Justin’s legs. “These look great. I know they may not to you, but there is no redness or swelling. I would think if they stay this way thru the weekend you’ll be able to get the pins out on Monday and get rid of the halos. After that’s done, you can start physical therapy.”

Brian moved in closer to Justin and gave his shoulder a quick squeeze while the doctor made some notes on his chart.

“Okay here’s what I’m thinking, if the legs continue and you start PT on Monday you could possible get moved to a step down facility by late next week. I can recommend a few that are close by or find out what’s in your local area. With all progress consistently good, you would be at that facility for another two to three weeks, then home. And honestly, even when you go home, I may suggest a live in or all day care provider at first. Remember, it’s not about working harder to recover faster, it is working hard to recover well. There’s a big difference. The typical time period for recovery from your type of spine injury alone is usually six to eight weeks. Couple that with the profound work that will need to be done with your legs, I would add another four to six weeks to the recovery.” 

Brian stood up and thanked the doctor, he spoke to them with an ease that Brian appreciated. Justin thanked the doctor as well, although his was through a slightly tear filled facial expression. 

Dr. Lebowitz left to check in at the nurses station, and let them know that Justin could be moved out of the ICU tomorrow. 

Brian sat on the bottom corner of his partner’s bed. He ran his fingers through his head and waited. The bed trembled a bit and when he looked up Justin was crying. Before Brian could say anything Justin was yelling, “Why the fuck does it always have to be me? What is this, I don’t wish bad karma on anyone, but I’m sick of this.” Brian moved up the bed until he was sitting next to Justin. He pulled him into a hug, but instead of calming Justin it had the opposite effect, he got angry.

“I can’t even hug you if I want to, Christ this is the worst.” To which Brian responded, “Yea it is, but there’s only improvements from here. Cry Justin, it does suck. But get as much of this out of you as you can right now. You’ve just been handed the biggest challenge of your life and you will take it on and do great. But for now, just cry, because it really does suck.


	5. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

The day Justin found every detail of his accident from Brian, the nurses, and his doctor was by far his worst day emotionally. This was not a surprise to anyone. And even though he was also moved out of ICU that day and he was able to begin eating more normally again he was distraught. Brian was so happy to see him talking and participating in the conversations that had taken place, only to have it turn to sadness when Justin shut himself off. 

The next day brought a ‘real’ breakfast. Justin ate. Brian fed him. They made small talk and little jokes, but there was sadness and stress just under the surface.

“Justin if you don’t eat this yummy oatmeal, I may just have to. I think it has some sort of fruit re-hydrated in it. See the little snotty looking things there? That’s them. Must be apple or maybe a peach.” Brian was smiling the whole time while he stirred. Justin smiled too, but it was a bit strained. His eyes, the brightest they had been in days, had tears welling in them. 

“Fuck Brian. Don’t. I can’t do this. How long will this go on?” He turned away and was quiet again. 

“What did we say yesterday Justin? We can’t do this. Not everyday, it’s counter productive. This sucks, it does, there is no denying it. But the more you sink, the worse it is. I can feed you a whole bunch of ‘happy thoughts’, hell I’ll go buy you an inspirational booklet from the gift shop if that’s what you want. But we’ve never done things that way, at least not recently. You want to come home, you want to be whole and independent, you want to be well, you want to create again? That’s what I want for you too. Let’s start here at zero and begin. We’ll do stuff that works for us, and when all the experts tell us what else to do, we’ll do that too. Okay?”

Justin looked back at Brian, and while the pained look was still on his face, he managed a smile, “Yea, it’s what we have to do, what I have to do. Just keep me on the straight path here Brian. And I don’t mean that straight! You know me, you always say I’m so brave. I’m not, I get a lot of my strength from you. I’d never admit to it in public, but I do. So when I get low, smack me out of it. I don’t want to waste time. Shit! I have a commission to do, 4 paintings for that client in Sedona and I don’t want to give it up.” 

By this point both men had watery eyes, but no one was crying. Brian smiled and pointed at the rapidly cooling oatmeal, “So is it peaches or apples?”

Justin laughed, “I don’t give a shit, just give me some I’m hungry.”

“How about we try this?” Brian put his hand over Justin’s and braced him to hold his own spoon. It was awkward, so he moved closer to Justin. They tried the next spoonful. This worked better and they continued in silence. It was broken after several bites by Justin, “Thanks. I can actually feel the spoon on some of my fingers, but when I try to close them they get all ‘pin and needley’ on me.”

The rest of breakfast was done the same way. Just before they finished, Mikey knocked at the door. 

“Come in.” Justin said.

“Hey look who’s alive and eating even! How great Justin! Brian I brought you some breakfast from the diner. Mom sends both of you rib crushing hugs, which I had to endure before I left to come here. She wants to come by after her shift is done if that’s okay. Brian, can you call the diner and let her know? She’s done at 2:30.” Mikey moved into the room with ease, and while he still had a slightly pinched look when he saw Justin’s bruised face and body, he did an adequate job of hiding it. “You really do look great Justin.”

“Michael could you stay a bit?” Justin’s question had Michael and Brian confused. “I was wondering if you had time to tell me what the hell happened? I’m starting to see images in my mind of that day and Brian’s told me that you are the best person to talk to about it.”

Mikey glanced at Brian, who only nodded his approval silently before answering, “Sure, the shop doesn’t open until 10AM today and I don’t have anywhere else to go before then. Brian why don’t you take a break and go get some coffee to go with the food I brought, and I’ll help Justin finish up his breakfast.”

Brian rubbed Mikey’s shoulders as he walked by. All that was left of Justin’s tray was juice and he knew neither one would have trouble finishing that off. He was secretly thankful to Mikey for the break. He loved his partner and wanted to be with him through all of this, but the small mental breaks were appreciated. He stayed in the cafeteria for about an hour, reading a discarded two day old paper, checking in with the office, and eating breakfast. When he finally did return to Justin’s room, he could hear laughter from three doors down. It was real music to his ears. He hesitated outside the door to eavesdrop. 

“Yea, the jackass almost caught his whole face on fire when he did it! As it was he only burned three of the fingers on his right hand, but you know as well as I do, he’s right handed. He had so much trouble doing so many things. For three weeks his hand was bandaged and useless. I did a lot for him, he actually stayed over at my house, it was just easier. Of course, his ego wouldn’t lessen for an accident of this sort, his biggest complaint was that jerking off with his left hand was not as smooth as his right!”

Both men laughed again, and Brian figured it was a good time to come back into the room.

“How did it go?” He asked as he walked in and casually stuck his tongue out at Mikey.

“Michael was able to piece together a lot of the images I’ve had floating around in my mind. He also did a great job lifting my spirits a bit. Thanks, Michael.”

“No problem Justin, but I gotta get going.” He looked at Brian, “Don’t forget to call my mom.”

Brian nodded and pulled Michael into a hug. Michael grabbed his jacket and leaned over to give Justin a hug and peck on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow night. Ben and I want to stop over after school. We’ll bring Hunter.”

“Great.” Brian and Justin said at the same time. 

Michael left and the two were alone for a brief moment before the were interrupted again. There was another knock on the door. 

“I’m looking for a Justin Taylor. Is he here by chance?” said a voice from outside.

“Yea, I’m here. Come on in.”

He walked in. Brian recognized him from the recovery meeting. He was built like Ben, but with a classic Greek face, and both Brian and Justin immediately perked up. “I’m Brad Cabo, I’m your physical therapist Mr. Taylor. I wanted to stop by for introductions and to let you know I wanted to do our first session here in your room later today. ” As he talked he pulled the chair close to Justin’s bed. When he introduced himself, he used both hands to scoop up Justin’s partially paralyzed hand to shake. 

Smooth Brian thought to himself. Very normal looking hand shake, with a guy who feels anything but normal right now. It worked like a charm on Justin, he immediately tried to put his shoulder into the motion of the shake, trying to participate. Brad seemed to take in the effort. 

“I see you have some feeling in your arms and fingers, that’s great. We’ll start with that today. I’m not going to do anything with your lower body until after the pins come out and we get confirmation from Dr. Lebowitz that you are good to go with gross motor therapy. I’m going to stick to the upper body gross motor stuff for now. O.T. will be here tomorrow for introductions and to start work on the fine motor stuff. For now, I can already see you have some good upper body strength and you can control your upper arm and shoulder area pretty well. Brad did some more poking and prodding for the next 15 minutes before releasing Justin.

“Okay, these are all really great signs. When I come back this afternoon, I’m going to bring some props to help strengthen your upper arms and we’ll work a bit on back strength. That will come in handy later when we are working on full body movement stuff. I can tell from your eyes you’re getting tired, so I’m done for now. Like I said, I’ll be back around 3 this afternoon to really get started. You have a lot to work with Justin, and I don’t know who you’ve already seen on the team, but from my perspective I think the outlook of recovery looks great. See you later.” Brad made a few quick notes on Justin’s chart and left.

Brian had spent the entire time standing near the window watching the exam. He looked outside one more time before turning to Justin, “How about you get some sleep and I’ll run out to stretch my legs and check in at the office? I’ll be back by lunch time. What do you say?”

“Sounds fine to me, I’m zonked. Brian, before you go, could you stop at the nurses desk and tell them I’m starting to get some really painful jabs in my fingers and shoulders.”

“Yea, maybe this is what they’re all talking about when they say the pain will only increase? You okay with me leaving, maybe I should stay with you. ”

“No, if this is the worst it gets, it’s not too bad, but it is relentless right now, and I really want to get some rest.”

“You got it Sunshine, I’ll be back in a few hours. Here, let me put the nurses page button just under your finger, think you’ll be able to squeeze that if you need help?”

“Yea, I can feel it there, thanks.”

“Love ya, sleep well.” Brian leaned over Justin again and gently kissed all the bruises on his face before settling for a heart stopper at his lips.

Justin’s eyes were closed before Brian had picked up his keys.


	6. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

The pain was not at its worst, but Brian did not know anything about it until he returned to the hospital three hours later. As it happened he accomplished a lot in the small period of time at the office.

Kinnetic had grown as a business over the past ten years. He had satellite offices in Raleigh, Dayton, Harrisburg, and Philly. Raleigh was the newest addition, so he was spending most of his time there getting things set up to his standards. He knew he had staff for that, the day to day operations of his advertising business had long ago gone out of his hands, but he liked to do it. Liked to be in on the nitty gritty of picking just the right location and staff because after all, image is everything. 

That was why he stopped briefly at the loft. He wanted to shower, change, and check in before moving on to the office. In less than forty five minutes he was pushing open the doors at his main office. 

It felt like home, it was familiar and everything was as it should be. Cynthia, tried and true, was at her desk. She greeted him with a warm smile and asked after Justin. Brian caught her up to speed and went into his office. After ten minutes, Ted was knocking with a cup of coffee and some paperwork. He sat and went over some trivial bits of business with Brian. He had been to the hospital twice, and knew about Justin. But Ted also knew what Brian needed. If Brian was at the office, he needed to get away from the life that had become constant, he needed business to get a break. Ted was right, and Brian was grateful to complain about costs with him for a few moments. When he left Brian thought he should tackle his incoming e-mail list. 

Just as he figured, it was over 240 messages long. He lost himself in quick responses, deletes, and forwards to Cynthia. It felt good to stretch his brain. Life goes on. ‘Everyone here knows nothing about our life’ Brian thought to himself. He preferred it that way, but right now it laid heavy on his mind. ‘The world goes on without a thought to us stuck in this horrid cycle. We lose ourselves in the life that is the hospital. When we’re there time is stopped, we watch out the windows and on TV, but it’s as if it has stopped for us. I have to get Justin out, even if it’s just for a stroll/push through the hospital grounds. The longer he’s out of all of this, the more isolated he’ll feel. God, he’s so isolated already. Helpless in a bed. Fighting to feel his damn fingers and arms. Staring at legs that look like they’re out of a horror movie. I have to get him out, if I can’t physically get him out, I have to mentally get him out. I have to bring the world to him since I can’t bring him to the world right now.’ Brian thought of several ways to do this while he sat staring at the computer screen. 

He snapped out of his thoughts when he remembered to call Deb. She picked up on the third ring with typical Deb brashness.

“Whata ya want?”

“Deb, it’s Brian. Listen, Mikey said you wanted to come over this afternoon. You know you are always welcome, and Justin would love to see you. He has therapy at 3, but it’s in the room, so if you want to visit afterwards, he may be tired but it should be okay.”

“Hey Brian, I’m glad you called baby. So it won’t be a problem? I wanted to bring some food, you know simple stuff. Nothing too spicy, but he’s got to start eating, and that hospital stuff is really bland.”

“Fine Deb, whatever you bring, if Justin is up to it, I know he’ll eat it. See you around 4, and thanks.”

“No problem hon. Hey while I have you on the line, can we count on your company to do the ad set up for Vic’s fund raiser this year? The hospice has some high hopes and last year the work your people did really helped.”

“Deb, you don’t even have to ask, of course. I’ll have Cynthia put it on the agenda here. Talk to you later.”

“Bye baby.”

Brian hung up and immediately called in Cynthia to remind her about the hospice advertising. The pro bono work was well worth it, and they had done this particular job for many years. After that he started packing up to go. His phone rang as he was about to walk out, but something told him to answer. He did. It was Justin’s Sedona client, a Mrs. Claremont. She knew both of them through connections in Pittsburgh, and had heard about Justin. 

“Brian, I never expected to catch you in person, but when your assistant said you were in I was so happy. Brian, you take good care of our artist. He has work to do for me. You tell him I can wait as long as he needs, but I still want my four murals. Brian, how is he?”

The woman was an acquaintance, not extremely close with the family, so Brian gave her the filtered story and line. She seemed happy with that, and with more wishes for Justin’s speady recovery the conversation quickly came to an end.

Brian checked in with Cynthia and Ted on his way out, then went straight to the hospital, without bothering to change. 

By now, he was a familiar face on the 5th floor. Most of the staff had seen him in jeans and a shirt. Today he walked in weary Armani and Prada, his business comfort clothes. Heads turned as he walked quickly and quietly down the hall towards the nurse’s station and then the room. He was stopped by the nurse at the desk.

“Brian, something’s happened. After you left, Justin’s pain level spiked. He complained of burning in his fingers and hands. It became unbearable, and we’ve had to up his pain meds significantly as well as restrain him. He was shifting and throwing his arms around trying to get rid of the pain. With partial paralysis, he could hurt himself and never know it. Pam is in with him right now. He’s really out of it at the moment. ”

Brian fumed, “Why didn’t anyone call me?”

“Justin forbid it. He wanted you to get something done that didn’t have anything to do with him. He wanted to give you a real break. Brian, he’s really hurting, even with the level of medicine we’ve given him, he’s in a lot of pain. While he won’t admit it, he needs you.” She paused for a split second before she continued, “We can’t give him any more medication until after 3. For right now he just has to endure it. It’s what we talked about, this horrid level of pain. This is it. Help him. Comfort him. Try to ease his suffering a little in any way you know how. He really needs that.”

Brian nodded as he ran the last few paces to Justin’s room. He never expected the scene he saw when he turned the corner. Justin was in his bed, both hands strapped to the side rails with velcro bands. His arms strained at the restraints, but in uncontrolled motions, like he didn’t know what to do, but wanted to do something. Pam was sitting on the edge of his bed, slowly wiping his forehead. His hair and face were covered in a sheen of sweat and his teeth were set in a grimace. He was looking out the window and seemed to almost be growling.

“Breathe in and out Justin, like I showed you. Again, just in and out. Slowly, that’s it.” Pam continued to encourage him as both of them caught site of Brian.

Justin let out a loud and painfully full, “Brian!”

“Yea, I’m here. You ass, you should have had someone call me.” He took off his tie, unbuttoned the top button of his shirt, and sat next to Justin in one smooth movement. He took the cloth from Pam and turned to Justin again.

“Don’t ever fuckin’ do that to me again. I know I can’t do shit to help you, but let me be here for you. It’s all I can do, and I need to do it for you, okay? Not again, Justin, you don’t do this alone again, got it?”

Justin nodded and blurted out a feeble, “Yea” before he went back to gritting his teeth and flailing his almost useless arms in the restraints.

Brian wiped him down. He spoke in the calm voice he had so much practice speaking to Gus with lately. Justin continued to grit his teeth and moan with pain. He complained that his hands and fingers felt as if they were burning. It was brutal to watch. 

The tense situation stayed the same for the next several hours. His therapy session was cancelled. When Deb came, she was horrified to be thrown into this painfully simple scene of wiping Justin’s sweat soaked body and comforting him with whatever words she could. It was as if his muscles were in a constant state of hyper strained effort, trying to stop the pain. He was exhausted, and kept telling them he needed it to stop. 

“Please Brian, tell them to give me something, it has to stop. I can’t take it, it’s burning, I can feel my fingers burning. Ahhhh!” His cries and sobs were slowly diminishing, he was simply running out of energy.

At three Brian walked out to the nurses desk. There were four nurses all talking at once, catching up on patients etc. since it was shift change. “Justin needs pain meds. He had to wait until three. It’s three, don’t make him wait any longer. He needs it now.” Brian’s voice grew louder and angrier as he spoke. All the nurses looked at him. He smashed his hand on the counter and yelled, “Justin Taylor, falling apart in room 534, right there. He had to wait until three for more meds, it’s after three, for Christ’s sake bring him something. He needs some relief.” With that he jogged back to the room.

Sarah, the new shift nurse was in the room in less than five minutes with something for Justin. Through tear stained eyes Deb smiled and said to the group in the room,  
“ Honey, if you have to do the best fag impersonation of Shirley McLaine in Terms of Endearment to get Justin what he needs, he’s in great hands.” Everyone smiled a little bit, even if it was for just a split second, Justin managed a smile through clenched teeth and weary eyes.

After another hour of fighting phantom burns, Justin fell asleep. Brian was not sure if it was from exhaustion or the pain medication finally kicking in enough to comfort him. He was just glad Justin finally got some relief. This was more than he had bargained for. This was what they meant by intense prolonged pain, phantom burning? For how long would this go on? How would it affect his recovery? Here they were less than three weeks into recovery and yet another almost insurmountable obstacle was thrown in their laps. After Deb left, exhausted from her effort to comfort Justin, Brian began to think. He came to the conclusion that if this phantom pain was to continue and plague Justin for long, they would need additional help in dealing with it.


	7. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

The drama and pain of the previous day led to a mellow followup. Justin slept on and off all the way through to the next day. He finally had a chance to do some work with the physical therapist in the morning and the occupational therapist was scheduled for the afternoon. 

Brad commented that a lot of the strength he had noted the day before was still there, but with the workout his pain had caused him, Justin was unable to perform even minimal exercises. He left with words of encouragement to Justin, but it did not help, Justin was already down on himself with his poor effort before Brad was ten steps out of the room.

“You know Justin, you can’t expect to have a full range of motion with typical strength when you spent all day yesterday straining every muscle you can control. Go easy on yourself.” Brian spoke as he stood by the window looking outside into a small courtyard. “You know the leaves are really changing, I need to drag your ass out of here to get a look at them.”

“I don’t want to go.” was the only thing Justin said.

“Well, I don’t give a fuck what you want at this point. You aren’t sitting here wallowing in this for too much longer. You are cleared for small rides at this point. We can even go outside if the weather permits, and today it is permitting. So with Brad gone and lunch about an hour and a half away, we’re going outside. No arguing. I’m going to get Pam to help put you in a chair.” With the last sentence Brian was moving towards the door. He came back pushing a chair that was more bizarre looking than a regular wheelchair. It had more padding all around, with hard support for both arms and legs. The seat was elongated, almost as if the occupant would recline rather than sit for the ride.

“I don’t want to ride in that fucking thing.”

“Like I said Justin, I don’t really give a fuck what you want. You’re going out.” 

Pam entered the room, followed by two candy strippers. They made quick work of rolling/sliding Justin into the chair. There was only one point when he barked obscenities at them for the way they handled him. His legs and arms were secured in place, and he was strapped at the chest and waist. His cath bag was attached to the back of the unit. Pam sent one of the girls out to get a blanket, which she then tucked in around all of Justin’s lower body. Brian produced a flannel shirt that slipped easily around Justin.

“Where the fuck did you get flannel? Brian Kinney does not do flannel.” Justin almost had a smile on his face with the comment.

“It’s amazing what a store will bring to you when you buy all of Armani’s winter line from them. It was delivered to the house a few days ago with the rest, I picked it up at the house yesterday. I knew I wanted you out of here as soon as possible and I knew your delicate frame would get cold.” Brian smiled and buttoned the shirt. He gently touched Justin’s outer fingers, knowing these were the ones with the most feeling, and gave him a kiss.

“Oh hell, I can’t bother with arguing anymore, let’s go out.” Justin’s mood immediately improved/ 

Pam spoke to both of them, “Brian, don’t keep him out too long, he’ll get tired quickly and he has OT this afternoon. Justin, breathe out there, get some real air.”

“Here we go, Sunshine.” Brian had not used the term of endearment for a long time, but it seemed to fit. 

It was hard to ignore the stares and sympathetic looks everyone gave as they made their way to the courtyard. They had to ask for help getting in and out of the elevator, and Justin yelped when they bumped over uneven sidewalk segments. When they reached the quiet courtyard, Brian found a small niche over near the south side of the building that was bathed in light. He parked Justin by a bench, locked the brakes, and sat down next to him. He quickly noticed Justin squinting from the bright October sun. He took his own sunglasses off his face and put them on Justin. 

“I forgot your glasses, just use mine.” He smiled as he closed his eyes and raised his face to the sun. Justin smiled and banged his fingers on the support boards until Brian reached up and held on to them.

“It feels good to feel you and the sun, to breathe in the crisp air. And the colors on that tree alone makes it worth all the work to get out here.” 

“Damn artists, they bitch so much about change at times...but then become inspired when they finally arrive in their new surroundings.” Brian smirked and Justin rolled his head again, to face the sun and the view. 

They stayed in the park for about forty five minutes, Justin drifted off to sleep, but kept the small smile on his face the entire time. Brian secretly thought to himself ‘This is what he needed, we have to keep him out and alive.’

Lunch and Occupational Therapy went over without a hitch. Justin was pleased with himself when he was able to grasp small things at therapy. He could almost feel his middle fingers, and he did not seem to have the pins and needles he complained about in prior days. 

The day ended quietly and for the first time since the accident, they both agreed that Brian would go home to the loft to sleep. Saturday would bring more visitors, and most importantly, Gus and Jenny were coming from Toronto with Mel and Lindsey, so they wanted to be well rested and prepared for their invasion.


	8. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

With the weekend came their family. Brian and Justin had lots of positive information to share with everyone. By this time Justin had seen his occupational and physical therapist. They had both commented that Justin would make great improvements in the coming weeks. He was moving along faster than anyone expected, even Dr. Lebowitz spoke to them about possibly moving up his release date, if he continued to improve at the rate he was going. Justin would have the pins and leg halos removed from both legs on Monday. The procedure would take place with Justin sedated, so the excitement of family was tempered with the anxiety of Monday’s return to surgery.

A psychiatrist, Dr. Cox, had stopped in twice over the past week. His main goal was to evaluate Justin’s mental stability and help as needed. His second meeting with Justin only confirmed what he had noted on his first - Justin had a significant support group, he was handling all the changes as well as could be expected, and he didn’t seem to be showing any of the tell tale signs of severe depression. He noted Brian’s eagerness to keep Justin in the world, and not let him slip into the “pseudo-world” of hospital life that so many patients fall into. He left a card, and said he would do another pass through with them before Justin moved to the step down unit. He assured both men that he would be available to them whenever they needed him. Brian wanted to share the fact that someone had actually found Justin mentally stable with everyone that visited, but Justin said no. Both had tears in their eyes as they laughed about their past instances of instability. Brian agreed to honor Justin’s wishes and not share the ‘shrink findings’, as he referred to them, with anyone. They would stick to physical findings, and let Justin’s behavior speak to his saneness on its own. 

Michael, Ben and Hunter arrived Friday evening. Hunter was in town from Philadelphia. He had wanted to come as soon as he found out about Justin’s accident, but he had been convinced by the family to tie up any loose ends on his project at work before coming. Justin was just now recovered enough to benefit from family visits, so why waste good time sitting with him while he slept when he could come now and really talk with him. Hunter knew his dads were right, but his instinct told him to rush home. He was glad he waited, by doing so, he was able to free up his work calendar a bit, and was now going to stay here at home for several days, not just the weekend. 

All of this led to the happy mood of all three of them when they arrived. Justin and Brian were finishing dinner. Michael immediately noticed the improvement with Justin. Unlike a few days ago, he was able to hold his own fork and spoon to eat. Ben noticed how difficult it was for Justin to eat, he was slow and dropped things from time to time. But his mental state was so positive, the physical handicaps were soon overlooked. Hunter was the first to lean over and hug Justin. His accident had really shaken the man, it had something to do with the fact that they were so close in age, and it was such a random accident. Hunter realized it could have just as easily have been him laying here in a hospital. The men exchanged chit chat, Hunter caught them up on the happenings in Philly, Ben talked about the inept class he was teaching this semester. Michael had very little to say, and it was only at Justin’s prodding that he started talking about the next issue of RAGE. They both agreed that with eighty percent of the art work completed, they could cut the current issue short, and publish with what they had. If the next issue waited awhile, that was okay with both of them. Brian sat back and quietly watched. It was nice to have other people to play cheerleader for Justin. He had to do it, and that was fine with him, but any breaks were well appreciated. 

It was not long before Ted and Emmett arrived. The banter grew louder, and at one point the duty nurse, Pam, had to remind them to keep it down. However, when Mel and Lindsey arrived with Gus and Jenny, it was hopeless trying to keep the chatter in 534 down. The room exploded with an excitement only family can create. Mel and Lindsey had also followed Jennifer’s advice, and had stayed home to tie up loose ends before coming to see Justin. It worked in their favor too, they would be staying with Michael and Ben for the week. It gave everyone time to really visit and catch up, as well as help Brian and Justin if they needed anything. There was a lot of hugging, kissing, crying, and laughing. It lasted for the remainder of visiting hours. Plans were made for the next two days. Brian and Lindsey planned to have a quiet breakfast the following morning, while Gus showed Justin some of the work he was doing in his fine arts program. Jenny wanted to stay with Michael and catch up with him. Her Grandma Deb had promised a big breakfast for her family followed by a family dinner relocated to room 534 if Justin was up to it. So far he seemed to be fairing the visits well. Between hugs goodbye and wishes for a good night’s sleep, Brian caught him yawning more and more. When the last of the well wishers had gone, he sat on the edge of the bed and tried to spoon up to Justin as much as his unforgiving machinery would allow. 

“How’s it going sleepy?”

Justin smiled and leaned back slightly into Brian’s form, “Um hum, I am really tired. This family tired me out when I had all my bones set properly, now they exhaust me.”

“How do you feel Justin? Honestly. I don’t want to leave here tonight only to come in tomorrow and find out you lied to me right now.”

“No no, I’m okay. I want to go to sleep. When Pam gets here I’m going to ask her for something to help me sleep. I don’t want to be unsettled tonight. I’m really weary.”

“Justin, do you want me to call off this crazy family dinner idea Deb has? I don’t want you over doing it before Monday.” Brian put his arms around Justin and nuzzled his neck. It felt good to be close, he had been with Justin all this time, but this is the closest he had been to him since the accident.

“No, really Brian, it’s okay. I’m just tired. No tingling, no itchy burning feelings. Nothing. Just tired. I have to admit, if I say I’m in pain, would you keep doing that? God I’ve missed your intimate touches. Say what you want, but when you hit forty, you found romance.”

“On that note, I’ll take it that you are doing just fine. And one more mention of what I found at forty, and I’ll start talking about all the things you found at thirty!” He smiled and kissed Justin on the neck, then his ear, then his healing bruised cheek, and finally his lips. “Good night sir, please get good sleep. Tomorrow we face a family dinner. And Justin, promise me one thing, if it’s too much, please warn me, so that I can end it before it becomes overload for you. Okay?”

“You got it, Bri. Now go home and get some good sleep. Tell Lindsey all the things you are still too afraid to share with me. Have good coffee, talk about Gus, confide in her about us and our future. That’s what she’s here for. That’s why she suggested a small breakfast for just the two of you. She knows you well. Let her have it, it will make you feel better.”

With another smile and a few more kisses, Brian left for the night.

True to his word, Justin took some sleeping medication and slept through the night like a baby. It was the best sleep he’d had since the accident. Pam even commented to the incoming nurse the next morning that he would be raring to go after such a restful night.

 

Brian picked up Lindsey and Gus at 8:30 Saturday morning. Gus was full of smiles as he carried his large art portfolio with him. He had so much to share with Justin, and he was eager to have the artist all to himself for a few hours. Brian marveled at how much of Gus was molded from all the people in his family. He had his Mom’s and Justin’s artistic flare. He had a fire for success that came from his Dad and his Mam’. Brian missed having him nearby. But when he thought of living with his father and how awful that was, he remembered that location did not dictate success in a father - son relationship. Gus was 14 now and he didn’t have any of the issues Brian had at that age. He had ample loving parents, more opportunities, and a large support system, even if he did happen to live in Toronto. The three made small talk until they dropped off Gus at the hospital. He promised to call if Justin seemed “off” to him, in exchange for not having his parents accompany him to his room. 

Once he was gone, Lindsey struck right at the heart, before they even left the parking lot. “Brian, you have a cool front on around everyone, but you forget I know your soul. You’re petrified of what this will do to your life with Justin, and what it will do to his life, aren’t you?”

He responded with a quiet, “Yes.”

“Well start talking, that’s what this time is for. Be selfish, be honest, let it out. You are great in a crisis Kinney, but you have to give yourself some time. You have to grieve a little bit. The Justin we all knew before is not here right now. His spirit is still here, and I’m not a bit worried about that, but his body is another story. I saw how he spasms, his winces, his journey is just starting.”

“Christ Linds, how do you get all that in a two hour visit, and with eight other people in the room?”

“I just do, so tell me ‘Peter’ are you worried that Neverland is finally lost to you?”

Brian pulled into the parking lot of a small, out of the way, café. They had agreed on a quiet place close to the hospital, they did not want to run into people they knew, and they wanted to stay close to Gus and Justin. 

“I don’t think Neverland is lost. I created it for myself and later on, I created room for Justin. It’s ours, we own it. With all that’s happened, I know it’s going to be a little different now. But it’s still alive and well.”

 

Lindsey smiled, “That’s good to hear.”

“But I gotta tell you Linds, I’m so fuckin’ scared for Justin right now. How will he create? What if he won’t walk or draw again? What will he do? How long can I be this supportive caring partner before the bottom drops out and I need to step away. He needs so much right now. He can’t piss on his own, he can barely eat and sleep on his own. Every movement hurts. If you had been here a few days ago when he had a horrid pain seizure, you’d understand. I’m just so worried. I don’t want to even spend time telling you how pissed I am. I’m so God damn pissed at the driver of the car, at Mikey for not walking out with him, Christ I’m even pissed at Justin for not paying attention. That’s the one that kills me, I’m angry at Justin for something he had no control over. How fucked is that?”

Lindsey laid her hand on Brian’s head, “It’s not fucked at all, it’s life. I’m not going to tell you about a similar experience I’ve had - to show my solidarity - I don’t have any experiences that come close to this. But I hear you talking Brian, and that’s what you need to do. Keep talking. Hell, you’ve probably been telling Justin these same things. It’s the right thing to do. Talk to him about whatever you need to. But if there are things you just don’t want to burden him with, I’ll listen. Then I’ll tell you to talk to Justin, don’t keep him out of any loop. He probably already feels some guilt over having you care for him because of an accident he blames himself for. And for God’s sake, don’t worry about his ability to create. We artists thrive in strife. We do are best work when we are under duress mentally or physically. You watch, before too long, he’s going to want you to help him hold a pen, or ask you to tape it to his hand so he can draw. It’s in his soul, and no handicap in the world will take it away. 

The rest of the breakfast was done with chit chat and more moments of connection. Lindsey had always been Brian’s sounding board. This day proved that her position was still firmly in place. They returned to the hospital to find Justin critiquing Gus’s latest work. He had a pencil taped to his right hand with surgical tape. Lindsey elbowed Brian in the ribs when she saw it, he smiled a quirky little smile and started to cry. Lindsey hugged him while Gus and Justin looked at him like he had lost his mind. 

“You know Gus, you would think he would be happy to see me drawing again, but I guess my continued improvements defy all logic to make my partner sad.” Justin winked at Brian, knowing that whatever Brian was seeing in Justin at that very moment hit a chord very close to his heart.

The rest of the weekend went off without a hitch. The family dinner was a huge success and Justin was not plagued by phantom pain or burning the entire time. Everyone held their breath and wished him the best for the surgery on Monday.


	9. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

Monday morning brought preparations for surgery. Justin was all smiles when the nurses sedated him. Brian smiled back, and continued to keep the mood optimistically light, but he was worried. He could not put his finger on why he was worried, something did not sit well in his mind. Everyone involved in the morning’s procedure seemed to be approaching it with the same outlook Justin had. He did not want to quell their enthusiasm or hope for what was to come. So he sat on Justin’s bedside until he was completely asleep. They held hands and Brian felt panic. Justin would never suspect any of it though, he kept it well hidden.   
He came to the conclusion that the fear of losing his partner drove his panic. He almost lost Justin two other times. Everyone seemed to take today’s procedure as incidental, just a small step towards recovery. Brian only saw another opportunity to lose Justin. But he smiled, he remained light, he lied, he did it all for Justin. 

Justin spoke of ‘getting out of Dodge’ and going home. He wanted to try his hand at the first of the four murals he had been commissioned to do. He had several ideas brewing, powerful ones just formed in his mind now that he could devote time to their creation. He was rattling off a list of supplies to Brian when he fell asleep.

When he woke up he felt refreshed. His mind went back to the list he was telling Brian about as he mentally added more items he would need. He looked around the room and was confused by what he saw. Brian was not there. He had told Justin he would see him when he woke up, but here he was awake, and Brian was nowhere around. Justin thought that maybe Brian had stepped out to have a smoke or call some family. 

The next curious thing he noticed was that the room was very different. It seemed to be almost an apartment with carpeting and furniture, nothing like the room he was in at Memorial. ‘This can’t be recovery’ Justin thought to himself. It was this last bit that got him worrying. With tremendous effort he lifted the blanket to take a look at his ‘halo-less’ legs. He quickly noticed that not only were the halos gone, but all signs of pin marks and halo brackets on his legs were healed over. 

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Justin said out loud. He began to panic and his voice got louder as he said again, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

He looked at the room more intensely now. The only medical equipment he could see was the IV attached to his arm and the catheter sticking out of him connected to what he assumed was a bag on the side of the bed. There was a couch and recliner in the room as well as a table with four chairs. 

“What the fuck is going on? What happened?” Justin was screaming now. Within seconds a woman he did not recognize came running into the room.

“Whoa, Mr. Taylor, take it easy, slow down. Everything is okay.” She approached the bed slowly while she spoke. She was not dressed like a nurse, more like a teacher with comfortable shoes, a turtleneck sweater, and khaki pants. She opened the top drawer of the bedside table and produced several medically related items. She checked his heart rate and pupils while she spoke.

“Mr. Taylor, my name is Amy Weimer. I’m a therapist here. You are at Memorial’s step down unit. Can you talk to me a little? What’s the last thing you remember? Can you tell me how you’re feeling right now Mr. Taylor?”

Justin tried to speak but let out a dry cough instead. After several botched attempts he was able to begin. His throat was dry and sore, his voice sounded unfamiliar to him, now that he was not screaming. “Can I have a drink, my throat really hurts.”

Amy produced a glass of water with a straw, Justin drank it all and started again.

“How the hell did I get here? The last thing I remember is telling Brian about the art supplies I needed. Where the hell is he? I don’t recognize this place at all. Why am I here? What’s wrong?”

“Mr. Taylor, there was an incident with your halo removal. You had a reaction to the anesthesia and did not regain consciousness when the procedure was complete. Dr. Lebowitz had you moved here when the unit became available to secure your placement for long term therapy when you woke up.”

“How long,” was all Justin said. He looked at this new face with a mixture of panic and anger. He’d fucked up his recovery, made it worse on everyone again, caused them more worry, delayed life getting back to normal. He practically yelled the question again, “How long?”

“Mr. Taylor, you’ve been unresponsive for 28 days. It’s now November 15th.” 

Justin’s eyes began to roll up into his head, he was passing out, it was too much.

“Mr. Taylor, Mr. Taylor” Amy yelled as she shook his shoulder. “Justin, Justin, don’t you dare go back to sleep. Brian’s been waiting on you. Stay awake Justin, stay awake to talk with him.” It did the trick. Justin’s eyes came back into focus and he blinked.

His voice was small when he asked, “Where is he?”

“He said something about having to get the WV house ready for Thanksgiving. He left this morning. He’s been by your side every day. He goes to work or works from here.” Justin now noticed the work space Brian created at a small desk in the far corner of the apartment. “Someone from your rather large family is here everyday with you. In fact I expect your Mom to be here any moment. Stay with us Justin, everyone will be so happy to see that you’ve decided to join us again.”

Justin was quiet as the woman wrote a few things down on the chart she produced from the same drawer as the medical tools. She finished and sat down in the chair near his bed. “Would you like to call him? I know he would love to hear you, not me, tell him this good news.”

Justin only nodded. Amy produced a phone and punched in the numbers she read from the chart. She handed the phone to Justin, and with her hand cradling his, helped him hold the phone to his ear.

Brian picked up on the fourth ring, “What is it, what happened?” 

“Brian, could you come back here? I need you.”

Brian cut him off with an angry retort, “Holy shit, this is not funny, who the fuck is doing this?”

“Brian, it’s me, Justin.” he had to stop momentarily to cough but then continued, “Really, it’s me, it’s all fucked here. Get here.” Justin moved the phone away from his ear and towards Amy. He looked towards the window as tears slipped down his cheeks. She took it from him and spoke briefly to Brian. When she hung up she turned to Justin with a smile.

“Justin, he’ll be here in about an hour. He was running down to the car as we spoke.” 

Justin smiled and closed his eyes. 

“Justin, stay awake for awhile, okay?” Amy moved to open the curtains more and let is the strong afternoon sun. “Your Mom should be here any time. Until then, I can answer any questions you have or just sit with you.”

“Amy, is it? Tell me, how does this step down facility work? I expected to be awake before I moved here. I’m at a real loss as to what goes on here. And can I get something more to drink, my throat is so dry and I’m really thirsty?”

“There’s some ginger ale, that’s the strongest thing I can give you right now.” She pulled a can from the refrigerator and poured some in a cup. She held it to his lips, and took notice of the slight tremor in his hands. “The facility is meant to feel something like a home. Each unit is its own apartment, family can stay if needed, and patients can practice life skills right here. You are assigned two therapists full time, I’m one, the other is Ken Redding. We alternate days with you while duty nurses cover nights. You will still have OT and PT with the therapists you saw at the hospital, but you will also have sessions with us. Most patients stay here an average of four to six weeks. You’ve already been here three weeks, but other than range of motion exercises, your program has not really begun.” 

While she spoke, Justin looked around the room. Only now did he see the bits of his life and Brian’s in the room. His IPOD was on the bedside stand. Brian’s x-box (an obsession he would never admit he had) was hooked up to the TV. There was a bowl of green apples on the table in the kitchen area, and pieces of Brian’s clothes were in various spots throughout the entire space. Brian really was living here with him. Living with him the whole time he had been sleeping. He realized that the bed he was on was larger than the hospital bed, and it was his own bed pillows and Brian’s Egyptian cotton sheets on it. He smiled. 

“OH MY GOD, JUSTIN!” His mother had arrived. 

She ran to his bed with tears in her eyes and a smile on her lips. She slowed down her movements as she came near, laying a hand on his arm and kissing his forehead. For a moment, Justin was a child again, being comforted by this woman with her never ending supply of affection and concern for him. 

He started to cry, large body heaving sobs, “What have I done Mom? I fucked it all up again. Christ, can I get a break? I’m so sick of all of this, this institutional life, this broken body, this hyper-allergic system of mine. It has to stop soon Mom, I can’t keep doing this. Shit! And I can’t keep expecting all of you to drop your lives to help me limp along with mine. Fuck!” The last two obscenities were emphasized by Justin’s effort to slam his hands on the bed. He was not successful in his attempt, but he did draw attention to them. They were both shaking now, and not from any controlled effort on his part.

“Justin, settle down. Don’t make any of this worse than it already is. You’ve had a setback, but move on. Honey, you can’t keep knocking yourself, it’s not you.” Jennifer had to stop to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. She smiled a tight smile and did the same for Justin. She held his shaking hands and rubbed his arms as she continued, “Blame me, isn’t that how it should work? They always blame the mother. I smoked pot when I was pregnant with you. I drank wine too. Hell it’s incredible the only big issue you have in life is being gay, with all the damage I could have caused you.” She was smiling through her tears, as was Justin. She leaned over to embrace him. She held on for a long time. She did not want to let go. 

This was her son hurting. The man who had fought ever obstacle that was laid at his feet, the one with all the strength of will and character. The child who amazed her with every twist his life took. He had floored her and Craig when he came out in high school. Taken on an older partner, who didn’t even realize he wanted Justin as a partner at the time, and stuck with him. He had recovered from a near fatal blow to the head only to amaze everyone with his determination to succeed as an independent artist. He had made a successful life doing what he loves, he could easily support himself with the few choice projects he took on every year. As it was, he and Brian had created a comfortable life together. And their life included not only themselves, but all of this extended family as well. He amazed her everyday, and she did not want to see him stay in this frame of mind for long.

She pulled back from the embrace and smiled down at him. He sniffed and smiled back, it was small, but it would do. “I’ll take that lame smile for now Justin, but don’t worry too much, you’re back and things will only get better.”

“Yea okay Mom, thanks, I needed to fall apart for a minute. This is so overwhelming. I have to put all the aspects of this Greek tragedy into little boxes, so I don’t get flooded with the whole picture at one time. Thanks for listening.”

Jennifer continued to rub his arms, “Well, if you put it that way, it is a whole lot easier: first box - start real PT and get your strength back, second box - concentrate on OT to get some fine control, third box - eat to get your physical strength and strength of mind back, fourth box - start creating again, and fifth box - get home and go on living. It’s that simple Justin, tackle this like everything else, only this time you don’t have to tackle other people’s ignorance you just have to improve your already fantastic spirit. Don’t mind me, I’m a little bias, I’m your mother.”

The two of them stayed connected on Justin’s bed. Jennifer slipped off her shoes to sit beside him on the bed, and Justin moved towards her, so he could feel her hands on him. Throughout the entire conversation Amy stayed quiet in her chair. She had stayed in case Justin’s outburst ended with aggression, but now that she could see it wouldn’t so she got up to leave.

“Amy, thank you. Thank you for being here for Justin when he woke up. Thank you for keeping him awake and calm for us. Thank you.” Jennifer smiled and looked from her son to the therapist. Justin nodded his agreement.

“No problem Jennifer, I’m glad he’s with us in spirit as well as body now. But now, I have to get back to my other patient. Please continue to give him drinks and ice. When Dr. Lebowitz checks on you later I assume he’ll get rid of the IV and catheter then order solid food for your dinner, Justin. Don’t forget, we are only outside the units a few feet, so call if you need anything. Again, glad to have you back Justin.” Amy put all the instruments and charts back in the drawer and left.

The two were alone for another thirty minutes before Brian arrived. Part of Jennifer was glad that she had Justin all to herself. He was a grown 30 year old man, with a family and life of his own, but even so she wanted to comfort him. He seemed to need it right now, and she was more than happy to accommodate his wishes. They sat quietly, with Jennifer rubbing his head, much the same as she had when he was a child. And Justin allowed it to happen, deep down, his psyche needed to feel comfort. He needed to feel like he could do this, make himself better, tackle this like everything else, and grow stronger from it. But for now, he wanted to feel safe, and until Brian arrived, his Mom was the one person who could make him feel that way.


	10. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

Brian was in his typical Wednesday morning spot. The west corner of the occupational therapy wing of Memorial Hospital on the outskirts of sunny Pittsburgh. He was talking with Ted via his new blackberry. Justin had joked that if Brian had known he could get so much work done with the tiny instrument and never have to set foot in the office, he would have gotten one years ago. In the past he had relied on his phone, his laptop, and Cynthia to keep him posted. About a month before the accident, during the ‘Raleigh interlude’ as Justin liked to call the period, Ted had introduced the hand held to Brian and other key staff. Now, it was a priceless asset, it enabled Brian to be a completely cohesive part of work at the office and only have to carry around one tiny tool. It also allowed him the freedom to stay most days with Justin. He still made face time at the office on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, but could do practically any other work from here. The budgetary spending in Raleigh was more than Ted had predicted, so he and Brian were discussing options for the next quarter. When he sent his final comments, he shut down the work option and opened up the gaming site. While it was loading he looked over at Justin. 

How could five days make such a difference? It was only five short days ago that he got Justin’s call, the one he thought was a sick joke. Justin was awake. He was awake and whole. All the morose visions of the future, Brian thought were materializing, vanished in an instant. There was great rejoicing when he got back to the unit. They talked for as long as they could that first day, it was as if they were afraid to go to sleep. Fear that Justin would not wake up weighed heavily on both of them. But, after Will’s all clear, Justin ate and they tried to sleep. Justin laughed at some point in the evening, when he realized they were now on a first name basis with his doctor. 

That first night, Brian slipped into bed next to Justin. It was like coming home. And while nothing more intense than heavy kissing took place, both men felt more alive than they had in over a month. Both of them joked about the fact that even with pajamas and gimpy limbs, being together was being alive. 

The following days flew by in a series of therapy sessions sandwiched together with rest and eating. A nutritionist, Susan Frisk, spoke with the both of them that second day, encouraging Justin to make smart choices. He had lost a significant amount of weight, from both the accident and the 28 days of unconsciousness. 

Neither man liked to refer to the time as ‘being in a coma’, it was a painful reminder of how much the man had endured. They joked that “the 28 days of sleep” sounded more dramatic and also linked Justin with the hottie from the cult classic British film they both loved, 28 Days Later. 

Aside from all of that Ms. Frisk encouraged Justin to eat up to six small meals a day, with lots of carbohydrates and protein. She continued with her speech about good diet until Justin stopped her. He pointed out that Brian’s near obsession with good diet and health made everything she was telling him redundant. He recognized all the points she made, and assured her he would do his best. 

What he did not tell her was that morning he had asked Brian for a mirror to look at himself, and what he saw shocked him. His face was drawn and his cheeks hollow. He had dark circles under his eyes and even his hair seemed thinner. He knew he needed to eat. He had to get energy to work on recovery and get rid of the zombie like appearance he had. What Ms. Frisk said made sense to him, more than she would ever recognize.

So here they were five days into the real ‘nuts and bolts’ of his therapy. Today was OT, fine motor stuff. This was the stuff Justin struggled with the most. The uncontrolled shaking and tremors infuriated him. It was post - bashing behavior all over again, only worse. Both hands and arms were unpredictable, some days he had great sensation and control, other days nothing worked right. Today seemed to be somewhere in the middle. He had been complaining of painful cramps and tingling in his right hand since yesterday, but it was not overwhelming him, medication was keeping it at bay. Brian worried about how long the medication would work, and if this would turn into another seizure, as it had in the past. So far, it had not. Another difference was this time it was not both hands, his left was doing remarkably well today. 

Today’s task was picking up goldfish and eating them successfully. ‘It sounds so elementary,’ Brian thought to himself, “a grown man struggling to eat a kids snack.’ And struggle he did, his left hand was more successful at picking up individual crackers and moving them to his mouth. His right had a habit of crushing the crackers, or dropping them once he began moving his arm and hand towards his mouth. He had a bowl of about 50 fish in front of him at the beginning of the session, now there was less than a dozen left. Brian could tell Justin was losing patience. 

He shut off the blackberry, closed up his files and walked over to Justin and his therapist. “Hey Zoe, how’s it going today? Do you think I could get some of those crackers? You know, when my son was little, he ate these things all the time. Justin was kind enough to introduce him to the pizza flavored ones. Sadly, my son is 14 now, eating regular pizza a lot more than little fish, and I never get them. I would never admit it in public, but I think I like them more now than I did then.” 

Zoe Stoner, Justin’s occupational therapist laughed. “I don’t know, those were the last of the bag Justin had. Hey Justin, are you going to share with Brian?” Zoe thought to herself, ‘He’s slick. He chats with me to give Justin a break. Then he coyly smiles at Justin so he will feed him the damn things, keeping up the therapy. He’s across the room doing work, but never misses a beat of what Justin’s going through.’ 

Justin interrupted her thoughts, “You’re not fooling anyone dick head, I know what you’re doing. I’m tired. I’m sick of crushing little defenseless crackers and I don’t want to feed you like some god ‘wanna be’, okay?” 

Brian smiled, “Come on Justin, either they go in your mouth - and you are the one that needs the calories, or they go in mine. You put them there. Finish the task, then we can move on. You can go back to the unit and get some rest before lunch. It’s up to you, be a bitch about it, or humor me and we all leave this session smiling.” 

Justin considered his options, “You suck” was his only reply as he gathered four of the fish in his hand and swooped them into his mouth.

“If you eat all your fish, I just might.” Brian answered.

Zoe blushed slightly, it was not that she was embarrassed by their sexually charged and typically obscene chatter, it was that she felt she was privy to a private part of the relationship not typically meant for public consumption. “Okay guys, keep it up, the next thing you know, the old people in here will be complaining about the ‘dirty-gay show’ you’re putting on.” 

“No they won’t Zoe, between Brian’s professional public persona, and my boyish good looks, no one would dare complain.” Justin ate more crackers to drive his point home.

All three laughed.

“You’re right, I just can’t get over you two. And would you look at that. Brian’s nagging persistence and Justin’s pigheadedness completed the task. How do the fingers feel Justin?”

“They’re okay, it’s not my fingers, it feels like my right wrist is cramping and the lower arm won’t stop jumping.”

“I can see that. When are you do for meds?”

Brian’s face darkened, he knew Justin had taken something right before the session. 

“I’m not due for anything until this afternoon. It’s not too bad, really.” Justin was optimistic. It was an optimism Brian did not share. He knew Justin would have more seizures like he had in the past. Endure pain that was hard to imagine. He wondered if this was the beginning of another episode. Both men looked at each other with tight smiles, not sure what to say. Zoe broke the silence.

“Well Justin, monitor the pain closely when you get back, if it does increase let Ken know right away. Don’t wait until it hits you like the last time okay? Let us, and Brian, help you through it, okay?”

“Yea, I got it.” Justin was quickly becoming sick of these speeches. No one felt the pain but him, how exactly would they be able to help? But he didn’t say anything. He was tired, he had given it his all here at therapy, and he wanted to get back and lay down.

Brian read his cues flawlessly, and walked over to his previous chair to retrieve Justin’s wheelchair. Within minutes Justin was transferred to the chair and the two of them were off for the 15 minute walk from the hospital grounds to the nearby step down unit grounds. They left Zoe making notes on her chart about the following day’s session. She watched them make their way along the path outside. Both bundled up in coats, Justin with a hat he proudly put on himself and mittens that Brian had to put on for him. Bittersweet she thought, being an adult and having to rely on your partner to put on your mittens, not gloves, because your hands were too unsteady to put them on successfully yourself. Zoe put a star next to the item she wanted to work on with Justin in the near future. She closed the file on a list that held many tasks that Justin had to relearn, with ‘putting on his own gloves’ starred and circled in red.


	11. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

Ken Redding was a super soul. He would have to be to work with the likes of Justin Taylor. Brian had sat in on two sessions before Ken asked him to be an active part of the therapy. It was Ken who ignored Justin’s whines and got him standing for the first time. 

He supported one side of Justin’s shaky frame as Brian held the other. Brian was nervous, worried about Justin’s frailty. He did not think Justin was ready to be on his feet. Ken assured both of them that Justin was behind on this part of recovery, he had a lot of ground to make up, and he needed to literally plunge in with ‘both feet.’ And just like that, he had swung Justin’s legs to the side of the bed, shifted his body forward, and told Brian where to stand and how to offer support. 

Justin had moved from bed to chair before. Moving from one to the other was relatively easy. Justin did not need to stay upright for long, basically he was helped to stand and immediately helped to sit. He did not need to support himself for long. This was different, this time he was supporting himself. And even with the 25 lost pounds, it would be difficult to stay standing for any length of time. He started complaining before he was even out of the bed.

“I don’t think I can do this right now, I’m really tired. Let’s wait until tomorrow.”

Ken let out a huff, “That’s what you said yesterday. I bought it them. I don’t buy it today. This is what’s going to happen. Brian will be on one side, me on the other. We’ll help with the push upwards to standing, but once you’re up, we will only offer balance support. You keep yourself upright. If you feel done in, say so, and we’ll sit back down.” Ken pointed to the chairs at the table, “Brian, bring one of them over here, Justin when you want to stop standing, you’re going to sit in that chair. It’s high enough you should be able to sit without any strain on your knees. Are you both ready?”

“Justin?” Brian asked, “Let’s start this, the sooner we do this the sooner you move on to bigger and better things.” Brian raised his eyebrows and winked with a little smile.

“Yea, okay. The sooner I can stand the sooner I can do other more devious things, right?” Justin could only smile back at the inviting comment.

Ken shook his head. All of their banter was new to his completely heterosexual ears. He had been married to the same woman for the last 16 years. He had two kids, and never in his wildest dreams would he have thought he would be listening in on a husband and husband pep talk. None of it offended him, ‘Hell it’s probably making me a better person” he thought to himself. Without so much as another word, but with a little chuckle, he leaned over Justin.

“Let’s go then, on the count of three.” Brian leaned over and held on to Justin the way Ken had showed him. “One, two, three and up.”

Justin came up easily. Then Brian followed Ken’s lead and moved a fraction of an inch away from Justin, so that he was supporting his own weight. It was a shaky start. Justin’s arms and hands were still slightly unpredictable so his upper body had a shake. His legs were weak and they gave their own shake. But today was a good day, and neither movement stopped the exercise. Justin raised his head after watching his legs in the initial moments and cast a smile on Brian. 

“Hey, it’s a genuine Sunshine smile. It only took six weeks to get here. Nicely done, Justin, nicely done.” Brian’s compliment was heartfelt. This one thing, standing independently, seemed to be a massive step forward. ‘Too long coming’ Brian thought to himself.

“Next step running with you two in the morning.” Justin laughed, recognizing that the men beside him had bonded over their early morning runs through the grounds three times a week. 

“How did you know that was next?” Ken smiled. It was then that Justin faltered. His left leg, the more heavily damaged in the accident gave out on him. “Whoa, whoa, Brian grab his elbow there. Justin you okay? Okay, lets get you to the chair.” And just like that the exercise was over, he was positioned over the chair with Brian and Ken’s help, and sat down.

“Justin? Justin, here have a something to drink. You okay?” Now it was Brian’s turn to fret over him. 

“Yea, I’m fine. Knock it off, really. Christ, I’m not dying here. Just a little wobbly on my legs. I’m okay.” Justin looked at Brian with anger, but then it softened when he saw the concern on his face. “Honestly Brian, it’s okay, stay happy would you? I was standing, all by my little self, standing. Don’t worry now, be happy it worked.”

That day Justin was reluctant to work, but in the end he was truly happy at his success. Today was a different story. Today was a totally new ball game. Today they had...water sports.

That’s what Justin referred to aqua therapy as. ‘Great, another day of water sports.’ he would say. Ken had decided that walking in the pool would be the best way to simultaneously accomplish several goals. Justin could work on balance with the support the water provided, sessions could be longer because his knees would not feel the same impact in the water that they would if he walked in the therapy room, the small amount of resistance the water did offer would strengthen his already weakened leg muscles, and finally, the water would also diminish the impact of his unpredictable arm spasms. So water sports they did. Practically every day. For a solid sixty minutes in the water. And by sixty minutes in the water, that’s what Ken meant, not twenty minutes prep for forty minutes in the water. He didn’t start the clock on therapy until Justin was in the pool. If Justin was too tired to walk the entire time, they did arm circles and other upper body control exercises until time was up. 

The therapy pool was an Olympic size pool. The only difference was that the first three lanes of its ten lanes were just four feet deep. They had aluminum rails between them so someone could hold onto one or both sides for support while they walked the entire length of the pool. The rest of the lanes were deeper with no rails. This came in handy after several sessions, when Brian joined in the fray. Justin really hated walking in the water, he thought it was boring and after several times up and down the length of the pool he was done. Brian asked if he could replace Ken on the walks, giving Justin someone else to abuse, and possibly offering other distractions while he exercised. Ken was only to happy to comply. He took the time to catch up on paper work pool side while the two men walked up and down the length of the pool. 

The days had their routine. Brian and Justin arrived at the pool. They got changed and met Ken pool side. After some warm ups , Brian rolled the pool’s transport wheelchair right into the water with Justin in it. Once on level ground in the pool Justin could pull himself up and start walking. The first time he tried this particular exercise he made it half the length of the pool. These days he could make it up and back four times before he was worn out. Ken had commented to Brian that you could see the benefit the pool was having. Justin’s legs were beginning to fill out again, and a lot of the wobbling on his feet was gone. Brian agreed and secretly thanked the maker that all the abuse he received was not in vain. 

Justin usually walked in the third lane of the pool so Brian could walk or swim in the fourth. Brian would walk an entire course up and back with Justin, then leave his side to swim laps. Every time their paths crossed, one of them would reach out and physically touch the other. It was a small gesture, but both fed off of it. Brian did not want Justin to feel as if he was ‘showboating’ his whole body and its abilities by swimming laps. And Justin did not want Brian to feel trapped by his slow moving frame. The tap or tickle or caress kept them on the same page. When the third lane was occupied by ‘another one of us gimps’ as Justin called them, Brian would walk with him the whole time in whatever lane was available. These were the days that Justin complained the most. He felt like he was holding Brian up, he should have better things to do, not plod along like a Romero zombie back and forth. 

In truth, Brian did not mind the pool at all, even if he only walked with Justin. It was a relief to see Justin on his feet for such long periods of time. Brian had looked down on Justin for so long in his recovery, it was beginning to take its toll. It was as if he was on the cusp of forgetting this man was whole and upright, and an equal. The time in the pool reminded him that he was. Justin was not a weakling in need of constant care. He was a vital man who was on his way to coming home. A man who deserved his respect for all he had been through and all he was going through. He was not someone who needed his pity at his shortcomings. The pool helped him see all of this. It was a great internal ‘mind check’ for Brian. So he smiled and took every bit of abuse Justin offered on their wet walks, knowing that with every step Justin was closer to coming home.

That was how it happened today. The third lane was open when they arrived and Justin commenced walking. Brian was swimming his laps, and had just tagged Justin’s groin playfully when he passed him. He swam a few more strokes when he felt the flow of the water change. He stopped short and turned under water to look back at Justin. All he saw was arms and legs flying in the water. Then he saw blond and realized Justin’s head was submerged. Brian swam back with a burst of energy. At the side of the pool, Ken heard the loud yelp and looked up to see Justin fall. He dove into the pool and swam towards his patient. Brian got to him first. He grabbed Justin under his arms and stood up with him. Justin sputtered and coughed.

“Justin, Justin, what the hell happened? Are you okay? Justin, say something.” Brian’s questions came out rapidly, he was panicked. 

Now Ken was there too, supporting Justin at his trunk, feeling his pulse and looking into his face, “Justin, look at me. Justin, what happened?”

He waved his hands and shook his head. “I’m okay, I’m okay. It was my own stupidity. My hand slipped and I lost my balance. Then when I fell I couldn’t reach the rails and I panicked. It’s okay, really.” He turned away from Ken to look over his shoulder at Brian, who was still holding him up. “It’s okay, really. Don’t overreact like you do. Okay, Brian, okay. I’m no worse for wear.” 

Brian nodded his head and then turned Justin in his arms to hug him. Ken took a step away, and when he knew all danger was passed, he walked to the end of the pool to retrieve the wheelchair. The two men kept their embrace the whole time. Brian stroked Justin’s head, and told him, “You twat, you scared the shit out of me. Tell me, seriously, this had nothing to do with me grabbing your dick, did it? He leaned back and looked all over Justin’s face with a nervous smile.

“Hell no, you’ve been grabbing my dick in this pool for days now, this is the first time I fell. I have to admit, it does make me stop just a minute, but in a good way, not in a ‘I’m gonna fall down now way.’” Justin smiled up at Brian and gave him a kiss. Brian leaned into the kiss and offered another of his own when Justin broke away.

“Okay okay, you’re both overwhelming the geriatrics in the pool. Break it up.” Ken was back with the wheelchair. With regained confidence Justin sat himself down and let Ken wheel him out of the pool. Brian held his head higher than normal as he passed several other patients working out in the pool. 

Once out of the pool, he knelt down in front of Justin, “Are you sure you’re okay now? Ready to shower and head out? But before you answer, let me suck your face a bit more, because I don’t really care what these other people have to say, and you just scared the shit out of me.” He kissed Justin with more passion than he had allowed himself to show his partner recently. He felt Justin’s shaky arm slide around his waist and pull him in, and even with its slight tremor he held on tightly to Brian’s mid section. Brian let his hands roam over Justin’s neck and head as if making sure all really was well. 

Justin whispered in his ear, “I’m really okay. Let’s get out of here for today. I’m cold, I’m hungry, and I think I need you to keep doing what you are doing when we get back to the unit.” 

“God you two are hopeless. I thought my wife was the only person who got this worked up over PDA’s” Ken smiled at both of them, “Get a room will ya?”


	12. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

After using the locker room to shower and change they returned to the unit. Lunch was a simple salad, prepared by Brian and tossed by Justin. In addition to the salad, Justin had a turkey club with bacon and tomato. He was “getting some meat on his bones” as Deb pointed out every time she and Carl visited. A large part of that was thanks to her and the rest of the family who consistently arrived with food. While the facility itself did offer a food service, the units all had full kitchens and encouraged the patients to live as they would at home whenever possible. 

For Brian and Justin this meant that they prepared parts of their meals together and supplemented with take-out or things family brought in for them. Justin would always be the primary cook for their family, and with his abilities limited at the present time, everyone else took up the slack. The facility was cutting edge, at least that is what Brian said on several occasions. And Justin would follow up with a comment that perhaps he was a little bias, since this was the only unit of its kind in western Pennsylvania. 

In many ways this unit was cutting edge. Justin had to admit that he was more relaxed with Brian right here with him through the majority of his therapy and recovery. Since there was room for Brian, there were many institutional things that Justin could do with the help of his partner and not a nurse or therapist. It was Brian that dragged his ass out of bed at night to console Justin when he was restless and could not sleep, Brian who picked up the food when his uncontrolled movements sent it flying off the plate, Brian who helped get him dressed and undressed everyday, as well as countless other tasks. 

In fact the day after Justin first woke up here Brian had to go to the office for a few hours. He wanted to cancel the meeting, but Justin assured him that he would be alright for a few hours without him. It turned out to be a little more traumatic than Justin would ever admit later. He was a thirty year old man, but that did nothing to soften the experience of having a catheter removed. It had been attached to him during his entire stay. It was not a painful attachment, more of a bother, in that anytime he tried to move he felt it brush along his leg. It got to be that he really did not think about it at all, other than when they emptied the bag or examined it to make sure everything was still well set. When Amy removed it that afternoon Brian was gone, Justin was surprised at how painful it was. Again he thought, ‘I am a grown man, this is not a big deal,’ then with her gloved hands she pulled gently but firmly and, ‘Ouch!’ She gave him some generic words of comfort, asked him if he wanted to try and stand up to use the ‘hand held urinal’, smiled her generic smile, and left. 

Justin stayed in the same position until Brian returned. He was curled up on his side in the bed, both unsteady hands holding on to his penis. His was torn between laughing at himself over how silly he was and crying at how belittled he felt. Brian walked in the room and knew instantly something was not right. He dropped his work at the desk and joined Justin on the bed.

“What’s wrong? Why are you curled up like that, why are you....hey, are you jerking off without me? How dare you! I wanted to be here for this momentous point in your recovery.” He was smiling up until the point when he saw Justin’s face. “What the hell happened?”

Justin barked out a bitter laugh, “It was really nothing, I’m making a big deal out of nothing.”

Brian raised his eyebrows, “Keep going.”

“Amy took the catheter out while you were gone.”

“Shit, did she hurt you? Let me look. Is there a rip on your dick? What is it.”

“Brian, it’s really nothing my dick is fine, see.” Justin tossed down the covers with one hand and slowly removed his hand from his penis.

“Yea, it looks okay to me. Does it hurt now?”

“No, not at all, I just felt, I don’t know uncomfortable with her doing it, she was so clinical, like she was here but not really here. The whole time she did it she kept that same persona. I wished you were here, but then I thought I was being an ass, you know?”

“Um, I still don’t really get you after more than a dozen years together. I can tie you up, fuck you, shove things in you that were never meant to go into the human body, hell early on we would even do these things with strangers. Never once did you react like you are right now, and all over a cath removal? You are an enigma wrapped in a riddle Justin Taylor, a fucking enigma.” Brian laughed at this last part.

And just like that, any weirdness Justin felt was gone. Brian was good for that. He was also good at pointing out the absolute stupidity of the event after the fact many times over, just to drive the point home. They would be eating a meal and Brian would give a little laugh and say, “...just a cath tube.” Or while playing Land of the Dead on the x-box he would suddenly pause the game, look over at Justin and say, “Like I haven’t done worse things to your dick?” and laugh. The worst was when he let something slip while other people were around. Granted Brian was always discreet, no one knew what he was referring to, except Justin. Emmett was over for breakfast one morning. Brian was holding a glass of juice with a straw for Justin to drink from when he said to no one in particular, “Yea, just something this size, not a big deal, this was about the right size.” Justin knew immediately what Brian was talking about and kicked him under the table. Emmett questioned Brian about his statement, but Brian quickly covered up by telling Emmett he was referring to the amount of food each had eaten for breakfast.

Brian did a great job taking what could be a depression building moment and turning it into the latest running joke. Justin loved him for it. Having him this close and doing just this type of thing for him was the best motivation for recovery that Justin could have. 

Another boost to the recovering victim was how intimate the two were becoming again. In any other unit, in any other part of the state, in any other hospital they never would be able to be this close. Today, after his fall in the pool, Brian held Justin so tightly. It was a grip he had not used since Justin had woken up in the hospital. It came close to the passionate grips he used when they made love at home. It was also the same grip he used when they fucked fast and furious at home or anywhere else. The hug immediately made Justin’s dick twitch and his skin prickle. He was eager to get home and eat lunch so he could have some time to reacquaint himself with his partner. After lunch, it was their routine to let Brian work while Justin napped. Today after lunch, Justin called Brain to the bed.

“Come and lay with me awhile.”

“What’s wrong?” Brian’s smile turned down at the ends when he heard Justin’s request.

“Christ, here we go again, nothing is wrong. Okay Brian, nothing new is wrong. I just wanted to lay with you for awhile.”

“Okay” and with that Brian took off his shoes and joined Justin under the covers. 

“This is nice, we haven’t done this in awhile.” Brian pushed himself closer to Justin with a sense of urgency. He smiled at his partner and groaned in his ear.

“Yea, I like that. I’ve missed you too.” Justin put his arm behind him and grabbed Brian. His hand had a slight tremor, but was in control enough to rub up and down Brian’s lower back. 

“That’s what I’m talking about, you feel... your touch feels so good. God I’ve missed it.” Brian groaned again.

Neither one could miss the physical changes of their intimate embrace. “Brian, I think you have something I could take care of if you just rolled over a bit.” Justin’s head was turned back at Brian’s, placing small kisses wherever he could reach. 

With a devilish smile and silence, Brian repositioned himself so that he was facing Justin, no longer spooned behind him. “How’s that?”

“It would be better if you didn’t have any clothes on.” Justin smiled as he continued to kiss his partner. 

“Okay, but the same goes for you.” Brian sat up abruptly and took off his shirt. Standing he took off the rest of his clothes. He walked to the bathroom to retrieve a towel and washcloth. Then he returned and helped Justin disrobe. 

“You know we have the whole afternoon to ourselves, this could go on for hours.”

“I know, or at least until we tire each other out, whichever comes first.”

Both men smiled again and picked up where they had left off. Brian’s touch was more tender than usual. He still felt the need to treat Justin as if he were glass. This feeling was confirmed when he felt Justin’s touch on him. His partner’s touch was unsteady and shaky. There was nothing controlled about it. 

“Justin?”

“I’m okay, let’s not ruin this with reminders of my physical limitations. Ignore them Brian. I don’t want to stop. You feel so good. I can actually feel you with all my fingers. They may be jumpy, but they have great sensation today.” Justin closed his eyes and hummed with a lust filled voice.

“You got it. I can do this all day.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth he felt the almost painful jerk on his back. Justin’s hand had hit him right around his kidney. He looked at Justin with a surprised look, but Justin’s eye’s were closed and he was still humming. He did not even realize he had done it. Brian chose to ignore it. 

Neither man had much to say, more was said with low hums, grunts, and moans than could ever be said with words. That was the benefit of a long term partnership, you could communicate in ways that did not involve words. They held each other, touched each other, and thoroughly aroused each other for over an hour. Justin was the first to climax. Brian never revealed this to anyone, but Justin was always the first to climax. Brian came shortly after. They held hands together encasing his dick stroking it as one. Brian’s hand tempered Justin’s. His hand was really jumping now. Both men ignored it, knowing that their intimacy was near its end, and they did not want to bring reality into this blissful unreality. 

They kissed after Brian caught his breath and released his hold on Justin’s ever strengthening frame. Then Brian looked at Justin face with different eyes and realized that what he saw as passion earlier was really an expression of pain. 

“Justin? What is it? I’m sorry, I thought this felt good to you, shit, I’m so ignorant.”

“Brian, don’t, I wanted this to happen. I wanted to be this close to you. I could have told you to stop, but I wanted us both to finish. Thanks, and for God’s sake don’t be sorry.”

“Tell me now Justin, what do you need?” Brian was quickly cleaning them up. Justin’s hands continued to jump, maybe more than he noticed before. He tossed the towels in the bathroom and got dressed. He pulled the covers up over Justin’s torso, after he put on his underwear. He leaned over into Justin’s face, “Now is not the time to be so fucking brave. What do you need?”

“Call Amy, I need some pain meds. My hands are killing me.”

“Killing you how? What do they feel like, she’ll want to know, so she knows what to bring you. Is it pins and needles or burning?” Brian’s questions were short and fast, his tell tale signal to Justin that he was panicked.

“Brian, don’t.” Justin took a ragged breath. “Go and tell her their burning. All of my fingers, both hands. They feel like they are on fire. And Brian, don’t say a fucking word. Just go.”

Brian sprinted out of the room calling for Amy. Justin was having his second pain induced seizure.


	13. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

Brian and Justin had a whole lot of regrets about how they carried out their first intimacies since Justin’s accident. Every step in this process was a learning opportunity for both, and from this last one they both learned quite a bit.

Justin learned to not hide his pain from anyone. Yes, it was his burden and he did not want to inconvenience anyone, but he could not allow what happened in the past to happen again. Brian was beginning to see the warning signs of his seizures, and Justin needed to respect that his partner was helping, not nagging, when he pointed them out.

Brian learned that Justin was far from having his individual, independent life back. During this past seizure, it took Brian and Amy to keep Justin is a good place while he rode it out. While Justin prided himself on internalizing everything so he was not a bigger bother, Brian knew he could not do this anymore. So he had to ask Justin more often about his pain, without infuriating his partner. It was a difficult task. 

Some people believed that drugging the afflicted was the best way to live through these seizures. It they were unconscious they would sleep through all the pain. After countless hours on the internet and talking with Will, both men agreed this was not the option for Justin. The drugs needed to do this had severe side effects. Some affected cognitive function long after the patient woke up. Some were known to negatively affect internal organs. Both knew that with Justin’s system, they did not want to risk any of these or an allergic reaction. So they looked for alternative ways to relieve pain. Acupuncture, meditation, and lower risk drugs were all options they wanted to try. Brian had also read about a primitive method still used in many eastern hospitals today. It was very much like swaddling, and was called comfort binding. It was a simple procedure, a blanket is wrapped around the victim tightly. Then they are held in a secure embrace until the pain passes. 

Brian had used this method to combat Justin’s last pain seizure. It worked well. It was an intensive, relentless practice. Both men were exhausted when it was over. Justin stayed relatively drug free during the episode, taking nothing stronger than typical migraine medication. Amy talked with them throughout their trials. She offered them both drinks, and coached Brian on how to multi-task. It was difficult to do anything other than hold on to Justin when the pain was at its worst. Justin wanted to thrash and throw his hands, but he could not. Brian held them in place under the light cotton blanket Justin had wrapped around most of his torso. Brian sat behind him, cradling him. On one or two occasions, Justin’s torment made itself known when he threw his head back, hitting Brian’s shoulder or his head. Mostly Brian just held on, and tried to distract Justin with TV or conversation. It lasted three hours. Significantly less time than the last. They both came out of it optimistic that this new method was one to add to their bag of tricks. A method that drastically decreased Justin’s dependence on pain medication. There were still several other methods they wanted to try in the future, but neither one of them really felt like talking about it.

Days progressed, and everyone settled into the grind of recovery. Justin was improving everyday. Ken assured him that after Thanksgiving they would tackle forward locomotion, Justin was ready for it. Brian was spending more time away during the day, he did not sit in on every therapy session anymore. He was beginning to slide back into his work life. Justin was unaware that Brian was using his time away to make needed changes to their world. He had several small construction projects under works at the West Virginia house and the loft. While no real handicapped alterations were needed, some modifications would help improve quality of life. 

All of this came about after Brian had a private session with Judy Goldberg. She had once again called together several of the people involved in Justin’s care. By now, the group knew each other well: Will his doctor, Ken and Brad his therapists, and Dr. Cox the psychologist. They talked candidly about Justin’s long term abilities and options for improvement after leaving the unit. The doctor and therapists both felt that Justin would probably always have a slight limp on the left side. His days of running marathons were probably over. And while not necessary, things like an elevator, a sauna, a hot tub, a gym or gym membership would all be beneficial. Justin would feel the weather more, and climbing the three flights of stairs at the house in the cold of winter could prove difficult. A sauna and hot tub could also aid aching joints as well as help with minor pain management. Using weight training equipment daily would also make moving less painful and keep him fit. 

So, all these changes were being made to the house in West Virginia. The elevator was already installed. Two upstairs bedrooms with a bath had been converted to a gym with equipment arriving within the week. While the house already had a large indoor pool, the pool house now had a hot tub and sauna wing enclosed in glass. There was only one change to make at the loft, the bedroom was lowered to be level with the flooring in the rest of the loft. Nothing to trip on if joints are stiff in the morning. That too, was under way. Brian wanted all the modifications done before Justin came home. The group at the meeting felt it was well within expectations to see Justin discharged before Christmas. 

Dr. Cox emphasized that just because Justin comes home, he may not be ready for everything at once. He would be overwhelmed. The holidays would only exacerbate the pressure and tension he would feel to make everything ‘normal’ again. He reminded Brian to be attentive to changes, however small, in physical and mental behavior so Justin would not stop his great strides in recovery. It was difficult to find the balance between supporting the patient and smothering them. Too much attention could lead to dependence or aggravation, too little attention could lead to depression or physical harm. 

Brian’s main concern at the meeting was continuity of care. It made sense to spend their time at the country house where Justin’s primary studio was. Justin was eager to work again, even if the work would be done differently, he wanted to get started. He had already begun drawing again here at the unit. Nothing more than basic stick sketches, but it was a start. Brian did not like the idea of the forty five minute commute to come to the city for continued physical therapy. He had verbalized this concern to Ken on one of their morning runs. Ken had listened, and said he may have some leads on good PT’s willing to make a commute like that. He would look into it and get back to Brian. So at this meeting when Brian brought up the point again, Ken waved at him immediately.

“Hey, I found someone I think you’re really going to like. The circumstances are perfect for your situation. I had asked them to join us today so you could chat with them in person. I expect them any minute.”

Will took the remaining time to summarize his concerns and goals that would be the group’s main focus in the upcoming weeks. Dr. Cox reminded Brian to keep him posted, and he would check in on Justin’s progress at the weekly staff meeting. The three men and Ms. Goldberg gathered their things to leave. 

Just then Amy, Justin’s other primary therapist at the unit, came into the room. Brian was collecting his notes and looked up, “What is it, has something happened to Justin?”

Amy smiled and shook her head back and forth. She sat down next to Brian and then said goodbye to the departing members of the meeting. Turning to Brian she said, “No, nothing’s wrong. He was sketching when I left. I’m here for another reason. Brian, I would like to apply for the job of “Justin’s personal therapist.” She smiled and giggled a little bit at Ken’s smile and Brian’s look of surprise.

“I don’t understand, could one of you fill me in?”

Amy spoke first, “Well, Ken told me about your needs. You are looking for someone to be available to go to your house in West Virginia to continue work with Justin. I live just this side of the Pennsylvania and West Virginia border. I also have some life changes coming up that will make it impossible to continue working here. Your need, while long term, is very flexible. Would you consider it?”

“Shhhya, um yes. But I’m still a little confused. Why would you leave such a great place? I thought you really liked it here.”

“I do, and it will be hard to go, but you see” Amy paused and continued with a wide smile, “I want to go back to school. I want to get my doctorate in sports medicine. There’s a great program at IUP. I can do most of it online, only traveling to the school sporadically. But I need to stop this full time, intense job to concentrate on my studies. Your home is just ten minutes from mine, I know you will be flexible with scheduling, and I know you and would be willing to continue to work with Justin. So what do you think?”

“I think - yes, this is just the kind of answer to my problem I was hoping for. Justin can have the continued exemplary care he receives here at home. We don’t have to break someone else in, there won’t be any misunderstandings about Justin’s moods or episodes, and if you can put up with us....yes, the answer is yes. Now you need to tell me what kind of a salary you want.”

“Well, I could never expect to receive the same salary as here, but I know several ‘free lance’ therapists who charge anywhere between $275 to $500 dollars per hour for service. I figure $300 a session is sufficient. We’ll start with 5 sessions a week and cut them off as Justin’s need for me decreases. I won’t hold the sessions to a specific time period. There’s more room for flexibility that way. Sound good?”

Brian held his hand out to shake Amy’s, “Sounds great! You want to tell Justin, or do you want me to?” Brian looked over at Ken who was sitting at the table, arms crossed, smile on his face. “And you? You were holding out on me, I thought you were pulling resources from somewhere else.”

“Brian, you tell Justin. You have a lot to fill him in on. He’ll want to hear about his discharge from you, not us. But you can temper his enthusiasm with this: I do water sports too!” Ken blurted out a laugh at Amy’s comment and all three packed up to leave.


	14. Life is just fine and then a hiccup

Justin was truly happy to hear all the good news Brian had to share. He was glad it would be Amy doing his outpatient therapy, he liked her and she respected him, even when he was being a nelly queen. He was even more excited to hear about going home. While the time here was significantly less brutal with Brian close by, he really wanted to get home. He wanted to get messy in the studio, sit on the back deck and sketch for Rage all morning while drinking way too much coffee, he wanted to be in his own house.

“Justin, Justin, are you in there?” Brian was snapping his fingers in front of Justin’s face. His look was a combination of frustration and weariness.

“Yea yea, I’m just thinking about all the stuff I want to get started when I get home. I’m sick of being here. I want to get out. I want to be home. I want to have us home.”

“While I’m with you on all of that, there are still a few things we need to consider before you leave here. Thanksgiving is in two days. What are your feelings on that? I know you have to stay here, I know that won’t make most of our family happy. But making them happy is bullshit, I’m more concerned about you. Had you considered what you would like. And don’t waste my time telling me what I want to hear, this time I want, no scratch that, I need you to be really selfish. Think about what you would really like to do.”

“I hadn’t thought of Thanksgiving much. When I do it just pisses me off that I’m here.” Justin began to clench and unclench his hands while he talked. Brian took notice of it right away. The repetitiveness of the movement could trigger cramping or pain. He wanted to stop him without dousing his spirit. Justin was angry and talking about it, that was a good thing. He didn’t want Justin to stop because he called attention to his hands. Luckily, he did not have to, at that moment Amy walked in to check on him and take him to therapy. 

“Hey Justin, ready to go?”

All conversation about Thanksgiving and Justin’s pissy attitude concerning it were shut down. Justin’s face lit up and he cleaned up his pens. 

“Yea, let’s go.”

“Great, do me a favor, if I wheel your chair over to the bed, can you get yourself into it while I update your log here.” Amy brought Justin’s chair to the side of the bed and locked the wheels in place, then she reached into the bedside stand  
and took out his chart to look it over. The whole time she did her little bits of checking and updating, she was stealing looks at Justin while he made the transfer.

He did a super job, he stood briefly and then sat down with ease in the wheel chair. He even rolled himself to the door, calling over his shoulder, “I’ll just get started and meet you there.”

Amy immediately closed the chart and turned to Brian. “How would you like to take Justin on a little field trip for Thanksgiving?”

Brian’s face lit up, “I thought the whole ‘get yourself into the chair’ was a bit too obvious, but he didn’t suspect a thing. Are you serious?”

“Yes, Ken and I had a separate meeting with Will earlier this morning. While we don’t think Justin’s ready to be home permanently, we don’t think a few hours with family will hurt. In fact we all agreed that it would help. Do you have somewhere close you can go? Family in town here having a gathering? I don’t want him in the car for more than twenty minutes max.”

“Shit yea, I know about ten family members who would host for this. Let me make some calls.”

And that was how the year of Justin’s accident Thanksgiving was held for all by a very happy and thankful Novotny/Bruckner household. 

Brian and Justin did not have to do anything accept arrive, eat, and chatter with family. That is just what they did. They arrived around noon. Justin’s face was set to crack with the smile he had on it since they left the unit. Truth be told, so was Brian’s. While he had done all he could to bring the real world to Justin, the man had become somewhat isolated after so many weeks in his controlled world. It was as if even the air felt better to Justin.

Everyone who could come, did. Jennifer and Molly, Deb and Carl, Emmett and Boyd, Ted and Blake, Hunter and his newest girlfriend Glora, Daphne stopped in later in the day for a short squeeze and cry with Justin, even Justin’s Dad showed up. The two were still estranged, but a truce had been reached years ago, and while Craig still did not understood his son, he did make the effort. Brian held more against Craig than Justin ever would, but he kept it to himself. It was enough that they still talked civilly to each other. More than enough. Brian was a bit disappointed that no one from the Canadian contingency could make it, so was Michael, but they had promised to try to work something out for Christmas or January. Brian would never let on he was disappointed he couldn’t be with Gus, usually the two of them would fly up to join the Marcus/Peterson family for the Canadian Thanksgiving, which fell earlier on the calendar than the US version. This year, that didn’t happen. But there were no regrets about it. 

This Thanksgiving was not a day for being sad, it was a day for laughing. For silly jokes about dressing turkeys, and eating too much. A day to be with family, your real family, not always the one you were born into. A day for warm wine, warm houses, and cool whip on Deb’s killer pie. Today, above all else was a day to be thankful. And both men knew they had more than they could possibly imagine to be thankful for. Justin was doted on by every member of the family all day, but he accepted everyone’s attention graciously. Everyone wanted to be near him, to make sure he was comfortable, to verify he had enough to eat to drink. Both mothers cried quietly while they sat with him at separate times during the day. He smiled and told them to stop, the worst was behind him now. But both of them said the same thing, ‘These aren’t tears of sadness, they’re tears of joy. Happy to have you here and whole.’ Ben seemed particularly interested in Justin’s physical well being. He helped prop his legs when they got stiff. He even did a little easy PT to help loosen them up as the day went on and he noticed Justin shift uneasily several times.   
While the day ended earlier than expected, it was a super day. Brian could see Justin’s fatigue and wanted to get him back before the little tremors he had been watching all day could intensify. So they said there goodbyes around five and returned to the unit. They ate leftovers later and took a quick shower. They settled in bed early to watch Brian’s favorite cheesy classic, Dirty Dancing. Justin barely noticed the way his hands twitched, but Brian did. He wrapped a blanket around him, and sat behind him for the entire movie. Justin did not notice how Brian smoothed over his hands, settling them. He continued his ministrations until they stopped twitching. Justin yawned and fell asleep before Baby ever got put in the corner. Brian smiled and thought to himself that this had been the best Thanksgiving he could remember, bar none.


	15. Chapter 16

Justin did not come home on the day Will had originally announced at their meeting. He came home one day later, on Friday December 15th. The delay was unavoidable after Justin’s last three days of therapy. He was not putting his heart into the sessions as much as before. He was not slacking, just not as energized as he was in the beginning. Will had to agree with Amy when she suggested that they had pushed their window as far as possible. Justin needed the positive energy of being home to help him take the next steps in his recovery.

At a prior session with Ken he stumbled and fell. This was not unusual, he was still not completely steady on his feet, but he had never taken a full fall before. It shook him. The rest of the session was lost to reassuring him that he could continue and calming him down. It took a lot for Ken to convince him that he could make the walk back to the unit, and not take the chair. Justin had done the short walk with a walker or cane before. It was a relatively level path, no steps until they arrived at the unit, and it was completely free of any ice or snow. But that day, he was resistant. Ken knew he was scared, but would not let him give in to his fear. If he wanted to go home, he had to continue to push himself on the days he was pain free. So Ken talked him through it, walking at Justin’s pace, and before Justin could complain too much, they were back at the unit.

Amy noticed the next day at therapy he was aggressive, almost angry with his body’s limitations. That day he left covered in sweat, having pushed himself to walk farther unaided and climb more steps than normal. It was as if he needed to prove something to himself. It seemed to work, but Amy still felt that he was on the verge of sinking into depression. He was not his usual chatting self. He gritted his teeth and furrowed his brow as he fought the equipment to finish his session. This same day the weather turned sour again. There was several inches of new snow on the ground by early afternoon and it was covered in a slushy rain - snow mix that froze before nightfall. 

Brian got caught in the storm, trying to make it back to the unit. He had been overseeing the last of the changes to the house when the storm started. Their housekeeper, a great local lady named, Mrs. Kelly, had agreed to take on the cooking for the house as well as the cleaning. In exchange for the added responsibilities she had asked Brian to hire another housekeeper to help out. She was getting up there in age, and didn’t mind light housekeeping and cooking for the two men, but the heavier jobs were becoming too much for her. The day had been spent making the final selections for who she wanted as her assistant. They had agreed upon a younger woman who was new to the community. Her husband worked in the city, and she just wanted something to fill the time while he was gone. Her name was Donna Dytang, and she was just learning English. Her enthusiasm and positive attitude worked both of them over instantly, she was hired, and her wage agreed upon before she left. 

When if began as snow, Brian figured he was fine, he grew up driving in snow. Much later, after he lost track of time with preparations, he noticed the ground was icing over. He started out, but did not make it ten miles into Pennsylvania before he had to turn around and go home. He was on the phone with Justin most of the time, and could tell by his partner’s demeanor that something was off. Justin would not elaborate, just point out his accomplishments at therapy with Amy. Brian called the direct line to the unit, after hanging up with Justin.

"Hey Amy, what’s going on with the queen today? I just got off the phone with him, and he’s not right in the head. I can’t get into town, I’m stuck out here, and I’m a bit worried."

"Well, I was going to call you later Brian. Justin is off today. He was fine when the day started, but at therapy he was really worked up, almost angry. Now he’s playing the x-box. Honestly, his fine motor and gross motor were spot on perfect today. His hands are steady, and I haven’t seen any signs of pain, but something’s off. I was going to go and spend some time with him later, to see if I could get a fix on it."

Brian was getting a drink while he listened. He sat down at the kitchen table and continued, "Amy, what’s he playing on the x-box?"

"Last I checked it was Land of the Dead, why?"

"Was he a person or a zombie?"

"Brian, are you serious? How the hell would I know? What difference does it make, what are you thinking?"

Brian put his head in his hand, "If he’s a person, I would say he’s okay, just keep an eye on him. If he’ s a zombie, I would say he’s not. I would suggest you stay close to him. He usually picks to be the zombie when he feels like shit, but doesn’t want to talk about it. Don’t ask, it’s our own private psychology, I don’t have a really good explanation. But when we hang up, could you check, and if he’s a zombie, stay really close, because something’s up. Christ, I wish I had paid more attention to the storm, sorry to leave this with you. I’ll get out as early as I can tomorrow, and I’ll be checking in. Hey, what night nurse is on tonight? "

Amy checked the chart, "It’s Aggie. She’s alright, Justin gets along with her fine. And Brian, it’s not like I have super powers to drive from here, I’ll be here later too, and if Justin needs me, I’ll stay. Don’t worry. "

"That is easier said than done, Amy. Call me back when you have something."

Brian hung up and cursed out loud in the empty kitchen. Mrs. Kelly chose the same moment to walk into the room with her coat. 

"That doesn’t sound very good. Brian are you okay, is Justin?"

"Yes, Abigail he’s okay, so am I. I’m just pissed I missed my opportunity to get back to him."

"Well, I always found the absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe a night apart, would do the two of you good." 

"Maybe. Abigail, how are you getting home? Do you need me to take you?"

"No, no Brian, my son is coming to get me. He should be here any minute. I just wanted to say goodnight for the evening. And I assume you’ll want me to do some shopping for you before Justin comes home? There’s really nothing here anymore. You two have been gone so long, most of what you had went bad weeks ago."

"Yes, please do Abigail. Have them charge the bill to my account, get whatever you need."

"Well, more importantly, what does Justin need? Is there anything in particular he wants or needs in the house?" Mrs. Kelly pulled a pad and pen out of the drawer at the in kitchen desk area, her ‘office’.

"Yes, make sure we have ice cream, chocolate chip’s his favorite. And ensure shakes, vanilla he’ll eat - he won’t eat the chocolate. He’s been eating a lot of sandwiches lately, so stuff for those. Lot’s of raw veggies. Oh hell, you know what to get, you feed your family."

Mrs. Kelly moved around the island and put her hands on Brian’s shoulders. "It will all be okay Brian, when Justin gets home and starts spending some time in his studio. You’ll see, just give it time."

Brian’s shoulders slumped. This woman who had kept their house here since they bought it, knew more than some of the people who called them friends. "Yea, he just needs time. Time we have. We just have to get him here." Brian turned to look at her, "Thanks Abigail. Don’t bother coming here tomorrow for anything. Just take your time at the store. Over buy, I want him to have lots of choices here, he still needs to put on about 15 pounds. He looks good, but still has a way to go."

"Alright Brian, I hope I’ll see both of you on Thursday."

Brian spent the evening on the phone with Justin. It turned out he was a human for his Land of the Dead play. After showing Amy how to play, they spent their evening killing zombies. And as more died, Justin’s mood improved. Brian felt better going to sleep later, knowing that Justin was getting out of his funk and that Amy was going to stay overnight. 

Thursday the 14th dawned clear and Brian was able to get to the unit by 10AM, expecting to find Justin bursting to get home. What he found was Justin in bed, blinds drawn, warm towel over his face. His face was hurting, his hands were hurting, his body ached. He assured Brian that it was not mind melting pain, just achy. He hurt to move, to open his eyes, even his teeth hurt. Everyone agreed to delay release by one day. The ride home, while on a good day would only take about an hour, with the snow would take longer. The cold would make Justin’s aches worse. So plans were delayed by one day. 

It did not affect anything greatly, no one was planning any homecoming, the two had wanted a quiet return home. No one would be coming out until closer to the holiday. They wanted a little time to get used to home again. So with most of their personal items already at home, Brian settled in to spend the day comforting Justin. He would never admit to being a comforter, it was his own gruff version of comfort, but it was what Justin had come to expect and need at times like this. So the two did fine. Justin’s pain ebbed and flowed. It never got really bad, just persistent enough to stop him for the day. Ken and Amy gathered with some of the staff who had gotten close to the two to give them a little send off. They joined them for an impromptu early dinner, it was relatively quiet, and well appreciated by both Brian and Justin. 

Justin napped on and off for the entire evening, finally agreeing to take some pain medication to get some good sleep so he would be well rested for the next day. Both did get good sleep, and as the next day began, they were ready to go. Justin’s aches had all but subsided, and that coupled with his anticipation to get home made up for any residual pain he was having. 

 

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 17

‘Going . Going home. Going home today. I’m finally going home today.’

Justin sat next to Brian thinking. Today he felt good. He was honest with Brian and Ken when he told them that he was achy, but not like yesterday. He was ready to go. Really ready to go. Every detail at the unit went well. Brian had brought the jeep to get him. It was not the little ‘fuck mobile’ of his youth, but rather, the larger Grand Cherokee version. It was black, like the old one, but this one was Justin’s. He used it to haul supplies, and it was great in bad weather. Today they had both. Justin was leaving with more supplies than he thought he needed. He had the wheelchair, which he refused to call ‘his’ wheelchair, even though Brian had showed up with it about a week ago, and the unit’s chair was sent back to supply. There were several different types of canes along with his luggage. It started snowing before the car was packed. Light snow falling at a steady rate, Brian told him it looked like the sky was going to ‘shit snow’ on them all day long.

Will walked out with them. Brian had the car running and warm under the carport. Justin’s doctor had become much more than just ‘Dr. Lebowitz’ to them. It was as if he was becoming a friend. This was solidified by his acceptance of an invitation to a post Christmas gathering for friends at the West Virginia house. But as Justin’s doctor, he had last minute advise.

"Don’t forget to check in at the Medical Center. I spoke with the program director at their pain management center, a Dr. Jonathan Daly. He’s expecting to hear from you and see you sometime before Christmas. Don’t delay getting that set up. He will be important to you. And use the Lofstrand crutches. Ken says they suit you. Don’t be afraid to use both if you have to, whatever you need to keep moving Justin, you know that. I’m rambling, sorry, but it’s part of my job. You’re going home with many aids to help you get around, so don’t just be lazy. Amy will be there for you, we will really miss her here, so take good care of her out there in Weirton. Do your therapy, take it slow and steady. Good luck and I’ll see you in about three weeks."

He shook hands with both men, and held the door while Brian helped Justin slide into his seat. Brian shut the door and holding the forearm crutch out to Will said, "These are making a big difference. He really seems steady on them, and he doesn’t lose the use of his hands when he needs them. This was a great inclusion. Thanks. Thanks for everything." 

Will clapped Brian on the shoulder. "Of course. He’s still got a long road in front of him. The Lofstrand crutches seemed a good match after the FMS diagnosis. His leg issues are never going to go away, and being an artist, he needs the freedom to use his hands and be upright as much as possible. They are good for that. Take care Brian, take care of Justin and take care of yourself. Drive safe."

So with Will’s few words of encouragement they were on their way. The drive to Weirton, West Virginia took about an hour. Their home was actually outside the small town. Best known for its large steel factory, the town was originally started by a Pittsburgh tycoon who bought land out here and developed it. The town was close to the Ohio river, and most people who lived there were blue collar locals. Brian and Justin made their home on the far outskirts of town. Their house was old, built by some other Pittsburgh tycoon who wanted a country retreat for hunting, and sat on fifteen acres of primarily wooded land. Until now they spent very little time in the town itself, except to go to the grocery store and play racquet ball at the community center. Now it seemed they would be there more often. The town had a relatively large medical facility with its own pain management center. Most small towns like Weirton did not have such things, but with Pittsburgh close by, these types of services were more available to residents. Brian was pleased it was close by, and was hopeful that Dr. Daly would be able to help Justin when he needed it. 

The snow continued as they drew closer to their destination. Justin seemed wide awake and curious to watch everything out the window when they left, Brian spent the time letting him watch everything while he filled him in on the last minute changes their house had gone through. However, by the time they crossed the Pennsylvania border Justin was asleep. 

When they pulled off the road into the drive, he woke up. He yawned and looked at the house coming into view. Not much had changed from the outside, but he was so eager to drink it all in with his eyes. He was finally home. As they pulled under the covered carport, Justin was surprised to see Amy walk out of the house. It was then that he looked at the garage and saw not only Abigail’s car but a car he did not recognize that must be Amy’s. He had a smile waiting for her when she met him at his door.

"Hey stranger, fancy meeting you here."

"Man Brian, I can’t seem to get away from these people. You would think they are moving in here or something."

"Well, it’s the ‘or something’ for me. I’m here for a bit of getting reacquainted with your house. Brian thought it would be a good idea to have us all go through the house and see what works well, and what may need modified. So here I am."

Justin took the proffered crutch from Brian and slid out of the car. He walked around the vehicle to look into the back yard. Snow was falling, and it was hard to see the stable building and pool house. He took a few steps forward, wanting to get into the falling snow. He took a tentative step out from under roof. He looked up and let the snow fall in his face. It felt good. When Brian came up behind him and wrapped his arms around him, it felt even better.

"What’s up, you afraid I’m going to take a nose dive before I even make it in the door?"

"No, I’m just glad we’re home. And come to think of it, it would be our stupid luck to have you slip and bust up one of your bionic knees, so why don’t we go in now?" Brian kissed the back of Justin’s neck and nuzzled into his hair. "Shit, you don’t even have a hat on, don’t tell your Mom or Deb, they’ll kill me. Come on, all your stuff is in the house, let’s go."

They turned and went inside where Justin was immediately greeted by Abigail.

"Oh Justin, it’s so good to see you." She hugged him lightly, then held him at arms length to look him over. "You need to eat, you’ve lost weight. But you look good. The trip home must have gone well, you do look just fine." She had nothing but smiles for him. Secretly, she thought how lucky she was that she never had to watch any of her children go through what Justin was going though. He looked pale, more than usual, he was unsteady on his feet, and she thought she felt his hands shaking slightly when she hugged him. A wave of pity hit her hard. But she let it wash out of her mind quickly, this was a man who did not do pity. He was strong and would be fine. "What can I fix you for lunch?"

"Actually a sandwich would be good. Thanks Abigail."

Brian had filled Justin in on Mrs. Kelly’s new role and the addition of Mrs. Dytang on the ride home. 

"Justin, you want to walk through the house with me, and I’ll show you what I’ve been telling you about for the last month?"

"Yea, I want to see this gym you put in. And I want to see my studio."

"Come on let’s go."

So the three of them left the kitchen. They made their way through the house. Justin refused the elevator and took the steps. He spent some time in the gym looking at the equipment Brian had purchased. He nodded at the modifications to their bathroom that included grip rails in the shower and by the toilet. He also nodded blankly when he saw that their walk in closet was now arranged so that everything that was Justin’s was at arm’s height, nothing higher or lower. He thought to himself that it would make it easier to get his clothes, but it was still a little depressing. They left the bedroom and there it was, the steps to the third floor. The entire floor dedicated to his art. His space. He could see the newly installed elevator to the left of the stairs, but again, he refused them and took the steps. He was getting tired, but refused to use it just yet. After thirteen steps, he was there. He was in his studio. The space was large, all white with dormer windows on both sides. "This space gets sun every hour of the day" Brian had told him so many years ago when he showed him this space. There was the chipped tiles, from when they dropped the large easel when Justin insisted it be moved. There was the section with wooden floors and comfy couches where he paced back and forth for hours while trying to clarify a difficult spot in any one piece of work. He walked to the canvas that was still on his large easel. He had some pencil marks on it where he had made some preliminary strokes, what seemed like years ago. He held his hand out to rest on the canvas surface. His eyes closed as he envisioned himself painting here. It was as if he had never been away. He wanted to begin, he had ideas, it was time to start. 

While Justin did this Brian and Amy watched with silent reverence. To Amy, it was a new experience, seeing Justin with such confidence, so strong and driven. To Brian it was an experience he had been eager to see again. Once more Brian came up behind him, but did not touch him. Long ago in their relationship he had learned to respect Justin’s work environment by giving value to the process Justin went through when he created.

After about ten minutes, Justin turned to Brian, "I want to paint right now. Please don’t argue with me. I’ll eat here if I need to eat. But I know that I also need to paint, so don’t make me argue with you about it."

"I wouldn’t, I knew if you got in here, you wouldn’t want to leave. Amy and I can entertain ourselves. And I will bring you food, because you do have to eat. Use the intercom if you need anything. And while I know you won’t listen to me, please don’t overdo it today. You have all day, every day, from now on."

The two of them left Justin. He was mixing paint and picking brushes. They walked to the kitchen in silence. Mrs. Kelly had Justin’s lunch prepared. She had left the components of his lunch out, so Brian and Amy could eat. After Brian returned from taking Justin his, they each made a sandwich, Brian poured drinks, and they sat at the small kitchen table to eat.

"So I took the liberty of setting up the meeting with Dr. Daly. I hope you don’t mind. I figured we could use that meeting as his first session. It will streamline the meeting and his exam if I’m there to help."

"Great, when is it for?"

"Tuesday morning 9AM. That gives Justin all weekend to be at home getting re-acquainted with life here before going in on Tuesday."

"Sounds good, thanks. I told Ted that I’m semi-permanently working from here. I just don’t know if I’m ready to leave him alone for the whole day by himself."

"The house seems just fine Brian, I spent a few minutes before you got home looking around. The gym has everything I need, and if there’s anything else I would use, I’ll bring it myself. I don’t think we will be doing any great new things with Justin for awhile. It will all be about maintaining and dealing with tension and pain when he has it. I want the transition from unit to home to be as stress free as possible, so our sessions in the beginning may seem easy to you, don’t say anything. We’ll work on the harder stuff a bit later, but for now, it’s all about maintaining where he is, so he can concentrate on his new life routines. So if there’s nothing more, I’m going to cut out Brian. The snow doesn’t seem to be letting up, and I want to get home before it gets much worse. I will see you Monday afternoon." Amy cleaned up her dishes and gathered her things. Then she headed out into the storm to make her way home. 

As Brian was putting the last of the lunch items away he heard the elevator. It stopped at the second floor. Brian finished cleaning, found Mrs. Kelly and told her to go home for the day. He shut everything up on the main level then walked up the stairs to see what had happened in the last few hours. Justin was laying in bed. He had taken off his shoes, socks, and pants. He was curled up in the middle of their large bed. Brian removed his own shoes, socks, and pants and joined him under the covers. Both men looked at each other.

Justin smiled as he put his arms around Brian. Brian leaned into the embrace. Then he started to cry. "Shit, I’m sorry. You don’t need this."

"No this is exactly what I need. I need to comfort someone."

"Justin, this all sucks. I hate that you need those crutches, and that sometimes you’ll need the wheelchair, or even that we have to have an elevator. I hate that you are always in pain. I hate what this has done to you, to us. I just hate it. And don’t get any stupid ideas in your head. I hate this situation, I do not hate you, I do not pity you. It’s just this is so fucking hard." Brian tried to move in closer to Justin.

Justin responded by holding on to Brian tighter. He began to stroke Brian’s hair. He looked at the gray at the temples and loved that Brian refused to color it. Brian would always be a ‘good looks’ queen, but he was aging like a god. He leaned over and kissed the spot on Brian’s neck where it joined his collarbone. The hollow spot was sensitive and Brian responded with a mixed moan of lust and sadness. Brian wrapped his hands around Justin’s small waist, thinking about how he could still feel his ribs way too easily. 

But the thought was pushed out of his mind as Justin continued to seduce him in their bed. He ran his tongue over all of Brian’s exposed neck, collar, and shoulders. Brian’s breath came in short bursts. Justin moved his leg slightly, right against Brian’s erection, almost causing him an instant climax. This all felt so right. Justin was in control, conducting this encounter with all his great skills, it was not some crippled, half assed attempt. Justin was Justin. Whole and empowered, able to bring Brian to a climax in less than five minutes. And that’s just what happened. Justin’s leg was replaced by his hand which slowly pulsed and petted. He increased the friction and movement until Brian was withering. When he climaxed he came all over Justin’s hand, which only added to the lubrication and Brian momentarily lost touch with reality as Justin continued to stroke the head of his cock. 

Justin thought to himself, ‘This is what I need, to be the strong one. To let Brian be comforted by me. Thank you God, for letting me comfort him. I have the strength to be the strong one and not complain. Thank you." Justin smiled and kissed Brian. The kiss was deep and long, tongues searching for and playing with each other. He nuzzled Brian’s head some more, before stopping his slow stroke, and smiled at him.

Brian got up to clean them both up and then returned to his spot right next to Justin.

They fell asleep like that, Justin beaming at the idea of being able to help someone else and not be the one accepting all the help all the time.

 

 


	17. Chapter 18

The weekend went well. Time passed slowly for both men. It was probably the best time they had spent alone together in a long time. Most of the weekend was spent in Justin’s studio. He was inspired by his return home and did not want to waste any time. Brian was content to sit, or lay, on the couch reading and watching. In the past when he would watch Justin work he would either get called away or sent away by Justin. This time he had no interruptions and Justin seemed to be oblivious to his presence. Brian brought him food when it was time to eat. That was the only purpose he served for both Saturday and Sunday. He insisted that Justin sit down and take a break to eat. Saturday he logged ten hours in the studio, Sunday was six hours. True, in previous sessions Justin could go for fifteen or sixteen hours when the inspiration hit him, but now he was just getting back into it. The past two days were longer than any he had during his stay in the unit. By Sunday afternoon, it was starting to show. He was getting tired.

“Justin, why don’t you call it quits after dinner? You’ve been at it for over five hours already.”

“Um, yea, maybe.” Justin answered, but did not hear anything Brian had said.

Brian knew he was being ignored, so he closed his book, got up, and walked over to stand between Justin and his easel. “I said, maybe you should consider being done soon. You’re hand is shaking, you’ve been using your gimp rail heavily since lunch. Listen to your body Justin.”

“I am, I’m painting and I want to finish. So back off.” With the last comment, Justin painted Brian’s hand with his brush. 

Brian did not want to fight. The weekend had been so great. They had finally had sex. Two times over the past forty eight hours, Brian had been able to fuck Justin within an inch of his life. Both men were feeling more alive and more normal than they had in months. But now, real life was intruding again. Justin was waning. Brian sat back down after cleaning his hands at the sink. He could see Justin losing the battle to keep painting. His work was superb, powerful and focused, but now he was struggling. 

He was leaning heavily on the gimp rail, a title he gave to the forearm crutches he used the most. He had told Brian that the word crutch was impersonal, and when a piece of metal would be a companion to you for the rest of your life, you should give it a catchy nickname. Hence ‘gimp rail’ and the shortened ‘gimpy’ were born.

Now it was the gimp rail that was supporting Justin. His hand was unsteady and the brush stokes showed it. He would stand in front of the easel for periods of time trying to see what he wanted to do next as well as to take a break. The breaks were getting longer. When he staggered getting paint, Brian stood up again.

“That’s it, I don’t care if you throw the paint can at me, you have to finish for today. You’re done in Justin, come on, don’t be stupid about it.”

“Bring me the stool, I can sit to finish. I’ve got about an hour left, I will not stop. But I will ‘listen to my body’ as you put it. So bring me the chair, I’ll sit down before I fall.”

Brian brought him the chair. Justin pulled his supply table closer to the chair and sat down. He instructed Brian how to adjust the easel so that when he sat down it would be at the correct height. Then Brian went back to the couch. He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes for a minute.

“Brian, hey Brian, wake up.” Justin was standing in front of Brian, poking him with gimpy. Brian ran his hands over his face, momentarily confused about where he was. Then he looked around and it dawned on him. He was in Justin’s studio, he had been watching Justin, Justin was getting tired. ‘Shit,’ he realized, ‘I fell asleep and left Justin, what if something happened?’ All these thoughts were running through his head when he looked up at Justin.

Justin was laughing, “You are such a type A. I’m fine, nothing happened, I finished for today. You were sleeping, so I left you there while I cleaned up. Don’t panic, it’s all good.” By the last comment, Justin’s face had the happiest expression. It was mixed with a little lust as well. 

“I know that look. I’ve seen it many times before. What are you thinking artist Taylor?” Brian knew what the look meant, it meant Justin was feeling seductive. 

“Huh, huh, huh” Justin practically growled at him. Then with significant effort he tossed a pillow on the floor in front of Brian. He stood up straight, “Stand up Brian.”

Brian obeyed. Justin used one hand to undo his button and zipper. “Take them off and sit back down.”

Again, Brian obeyed. 

Justin moved to kneel in front of Brian, it was a little harder than he thought. Brian sat up on the couch and supported him as he moved down. At the last minute, Justin decided kneeling would be a bad idea, so he sat on the pillow instead. Luckily the couch was high off the floor, and he was able to swing his legs under it. When he finished, Brian moved so that he was straddling his partner, sitting on the edge of the sofa. He was fully aroused, and the anticipation was killing him.

Justin smiled up at him from his seat on the floor. With little more than a lusty giggle he took the entire head of Brian’s cock in his mouth. His tongue worked over the slit and the tip. Brian sucked in his breath and leaned back on the couch. He put his hands on Justin’s head and ran his fingers through his hair. His moans increased as Justin took his entire length into his mouth. He licked, sucked, and hummed Brian to orgasm. After a moments silence, Brian sat up and looked at Justin. He had his head against Brian’s leg and he looked satisfied, with a twinge of fatigue. Brian held his head in his hands.

“Let me return the favor.” 

Brian moved off the couch to join Justin on the floor. He pushed the coffee table out of the way and grabbed several more cushions and pillows from the couch. Justin still had his clothes on, so Brian first took off his shirt then Justin’s. He laid him down and took off his pants and boxers as well. He hovered over Justin’s prone body, smelling him, kissing him, licking him. He spent time kissing each rib that seemed to stick out painfully when Justin laid down. He bypassed his groin and gently kissed the large scars that ran down the middle of both knees. He found and kissed each pin scar that lined both legs. In the middle of massaging Justin’s feet he had the fleeting thought that at one point in his life he would have called himself an ‘emotional dyke’ for showing such tenderness. Those days were over, this man on the floor under him was his life. He was priceless. He deserved all the tenderness Brian’s psyche could give him. He was a gift that fate, or God, had given to Brian to make him a better person. It worked, he hated to admit it, but it worked. 

His thoughts were quickly pushed out of his head when Justin used a shaky hand to guide his head to his groin. Brian wasted no time taking all of Justin into his mouth. He sucked hard and fast, making Justin call out his name when he came. 

When he was done he laid his head on Justin’s pelvis. They were quiet for a few minutes. Justin lightly stroked Brian’s hair. Brian could feel the tremors. He was just about to say something when Justin beat him to it.

“I worked too hard the past two days. I know that now. I feel it too. They’re shaking pretty good. I don’t think I could hold on to gimpy at all right now. Shit.” Justin pulled his hand from Brian’s and let it fall over his face. 

Brian stayed where he was. He thought it would not do Justin any good to have him say ‘I told you so.’ so he just stayed still. He idling stroked Justin’s pelvic bone, thinking that he really needed to eat more. Then he heard and felt Justin. He was crying.

“Hey, hey, what’s this? Come on Justin, don’t do this. It’s okay. You’re just getting home. Don’t.” Brian moved so that he was sitting over Justin. He grabbed both of his hands at the wrists and encouraged him to sit up as well. Justin sat up and looked at him.

“I didn’t remember what Dr. Holt said about reevaluating what is important and what isn’t. I know it’s important to paint, but I should have known that it’s just as important to rest my hands. Their shot for now Brian. They hurt so bad I couldn’t hold a brush if I tried. I’m so sorry. Fuck! I’m sorry.”

Brian was angry when he responded, “Don’t tell me you’re sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. It’s your second full day at home, did you think it was going to go perfectly? Don’t beat yourself up Justin. Move past this moment, what do you need to make the evening liveable? Tell me. We’ll make it happen.”

Justin smiled at Brian. He held out his shaky hands to try to put them on either side of Brian’s face. “I think I need the fucking wheelchair. I don’t think I can stand too well. I don’t think I could even make it over to the elevator with your help at this point. And I’m gonna need the fast acting meds, the injectable one. Okay, if we do that and I lay low for the rest of today, I think that should do it.”

“Okay, was that so awful? Now let’s move your hands before you poke my eyes out.” Brian smiled a snarky smile as he put his hands over Justin’s, kissed both of them, and put them in Justin’s lap. He hopped up and put on his pants. He opened up a throw and covered Justin. 

“I’m gonna leave you like this, because when we get downstairs we’ll do a hot shower, okay?”

“Yea.”

Brian jogged out of the studio and down the steps. Moments later Justin heard the elevator make its way up to the third floor. Brian pushed out the wheelchair and brought it over to where Justin was still sitting on the floor. 

“I brought the meds, and a drink. Let’s get you up and sitting, then we’ll do the shot.” With the ease of experience the two moved Justin to the wheelchair. Then Brian took the syringe and injected the pain medication into Justin’s hip. He did a quick clean up of the space: pillows back on the couch, coffee table back in place, he left the throw over Justin’s shoulders as he pushed him to the elevator. They rode down in silence, Brian standing behind Justin with his hand resting lightly on his shoulder.

After a quick shower, both men dressed in sweats and shirts. They moved to the living room where Justin got himself out of the chair and onto the couch. Brian rolled the chair to the back of the room, out of the way. They had ordered pizza for dinner, and while they waited for it to arrive, Brian started a fire in the fireplace. Justin was feeling nostalgic and asked if they could watch Rent. It was a favorite of his, he could listen along and not have to pay close attention. Brian liked it too, set in his ‘hey day’ he identified with the stock characters and the music was good. 

Justin was able to listen to his body well enough that his pain never got out of control. Brian confided in Justin his fear of letting him at home alone. He pointed out the example of today, and that if Justin had been alone, he would have ignored the warning signs and then been helpless to treat them by himself. Justin reluctantly agreed that his days of complete independence were not coming anytime soon. Neither man saw this as a horrible situation, just a fact of life. Their Sunday ended well, eating pizza and watching a musical.


	18. Chapter 19

Amy arrived early Monday afternoon. She wanted to get a sense of where Justin’s head was before they began. The day was beautiful with clear skies and a bright winter sun. The snow from the previous week was gone from all the roadways, making it all the prettier to see everywhere else. Amy liked winter a lot. She wasn’t sure how Justin felt about it, but after today, he may not care for it too much. Amy wanted to spend their session outside. She had noticed the last time she was at the house that its driveway would be a perfect area for walking. It was long and while curving through the trees that surrounded the property, it was level and paved. She wanted to spend the majority of today’s session evaluating Justin’s well being. How had he faired at home over the weekend, what was working, what was not, what did he need additionally and what would their focus be for tomorrow’s meeting with the local doctor. 

She was greeted by Mrs. Kelly at the door. The two had met last week.

“Hi Mrs. Kelly, I’m here for Justin’s appointment.” Amy smiled as she walked inside the large house. Even on her second time doing this, she still could not get over how beautiful this house was. It was dripping with Justin and Brian. She had known the two men for only about two months, but recognized that they were polar opposites. The house was similar, full of opposite elements, meshed together in a way that was eclectic, not tacky. She laughed inwardly thinking that Brian Kinney would never do tacky. It was beyond him. Justin might do kitsch, but that’s as close to tacky as he could get. Abigail brought her out of her thoughts.

“Ms. Weimer, please call me Abigail. I have a feeling we will be seeing a lot of each other here in the future. Mrs. Kelly seems so formal. And while I have you here, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

A little surprised Amy responded, “Of course Abigail, and please call me Amy. What is it?” 

“It’s about Justin. He seems so frail to me. Will he be alright? I worry about him. I would never say anything to Brian, he’s been so worried. But I just wonder, will he be alright?”

“Well, if you mean ‘running marathons and hiking through the Andes’ alright, then I would say no. He will never do things like that, but I don’t think he did things like that before. If you mean ‘painting, working, traveling, being with family, driving’ alright, then I would say yes. He will do all the things he did before the accident, maybe not in the same way, but he will be able to do all of these things again. I hope that puts your mind at ease.”

“Thank you, yes it does. Now if I could only get him to eat a little more, he’s lost so much weight.” Abigail moved back into the kitchen to continue cutting up vegetables for what looked to be beef stew simmering on the stove. 

“Abigail,” Amy called as she hung up her coat in the mud room, “Where is Justin?”

“Oh, he ate an early lunch about an hour ago and said he was going up to rest. Brian is in his office, why don’t you go talk to him, it’s just through here.” Abigail pointed the way out of the kitchen down the hall to Brian’s office.

“Thanks.” Amy made her way down the hall in the direction Abigail had pointed. She heard Brian before she saw him. He was talking business with someone. The door to his office was opened so Amy stopped in the doorway, just shy of walking in the room. She was surprised to see another person with Brian, she thought he was on the phone.

“Oh excuse me, Brian I’m sorry, I thought you were on the phone.”

“Hey Amy, no problem. Let me introduce you. Amy, this is Theodore Schmidt. He’s a colleague and more importantly, a friend. Theodore, this is Amy Weimer, Justin’s therapist. What can I do for you Amy?”

“Forgive me for interrupting your work, I was just checking in with you about the weekend, and then I wanted to get started with Justin. Sadly, Abigail tells me that he’s resting. Could you spare a moment to help me out?”

“Brian, let me get out of your way, we can continue this some other time. Thanks for lunch, it was good to see the two of you.”

Brian waved Ted off, “No, no don’t go Ted. I’d like to finish this with you while we are together in the same location for once. Give me twenty minutes to get Amy squared away, and I’ll be back.”

“Okay, fine with me. I’ll check in with central and see if they have those documents finished for us yet.” Ted nodded and pulled out his phone.

“Amy, let’s go. We can talk on the way.” Brian joined her in the hall and they started towards the kitchen and the back stairs to the second floor. 

“Brian, how was the weekend? Physically, mentally how did Justin do his first weekend at home?”

“Well, he over did it, but that should not surprise anyone. He spent the weekend painting. Did some great work, by the way. He was hurting some Sunday evening, but I think we caught it in time. Today he’s been pretty mellow, he slept in and then had a late breakfast/early lunch. Mostly just reading today, I don’t think he’s worked in the studio or gym today. I was with him for lunch, but so was Ted, so if he’s bad he probably would have hidden it from him. To me he looked good, no shaking, only using one gimp rail.” Brian finished and hesitated at the base of the steps.

“Um, what’s a ‘gimp rail’?”

“It’s the crutch, that would be Justin, if we’re going to be intimate with something it needs a name.”

“Oh.” Amy looked Brian up and down and started to giggle.

“And it will be a cold day in hell when I reveal those names to you!” Brian laughed back to her. “How about I run up and rouse the prince, let him know you’re here.”

“Thanks, and tell him to dress warmly and meet me in the kitchen for today’s session.” Amy turned to sit down at the kitchen table and wait for Justin.

Brian went up the stairs and down the hall to their bedroom. Justin was out cold in bed. He walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. He put his hands on Justin’s arm and squeezed it.

“Hey Justin, wake up, Amy’s here for you.” 

Justin opened him eyes, “Yea okay, I can’t believe I slept this well. That was super. Hi there.” Justin stretched his arms over his head, then sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Brian took the opportunity to run his hand over Justin’s backside while he kissed him.

“Glad you’re feeling good, Amy says to dress warmly and meet her in the kitchen. I gotta go, Ted’s waiting for me to finish up in the office.” 

After a few more gropes and kisses Brian made a quick departure. Justin made his way downstairs. He took the steps and greeted Amy pleasantly.

“Amy, what’s the plan? I’m feeling really good today. No tremors, no muscle twitches, all my aches are at bay today. I’m sure Brian already told you about the weekend, so what else do you want to hear?” Justin paused for a moment, then continued, “I’m really sure he wouldn’t share this with you. But I will, since we’ve been talking this talk since you started helping me, we had great sex this weekend, a couple times. Everything still works right and it didn’t cause any horrid after effects.” Justin smiled at this last bit of shared information.

Amy held up her hands in the universal ‘score’ symbol, got up from the table, and clapped Justin on the shoulder, “See moron, I told you all the parts would still work correctly. You just needed to calm down and get home. I’m glad. Hell, if I had known then I would be part mental health therapist as well as physical therapist I would have negotiated a higher fee!”

She kept her hand on Justin’s shoulder as she told him about today’s session, “I want to go slow today Justin, I thought we could just do a few laps on the driveway. It’s cold out, but the sun is really warm. The driveway is clean and safe. I just want to keep you limber, I figured we could talk about tomorrow’s appointment and maybe set some personal goals for you. It seems your two biggest goals from the unit have been met ‘get home, get fucked - in a life affirming way’ so we should make some new ones.”

“Yea okay, let’s go. I’ll grab my coat and stuff.”

The two walked up and down the driveway two complete times. Amy brought her pedometer and calculated that they had logged just under a mile. They stopped several times when Justin needed a break. Once to say good bye to Ted when he drove by on his way home, once to get the mail. Justin found great humor in telling Brian that things were really improving, he was able to help with the upkeep of their home by getting the mail. After the humor, he told Brian that he had made some goals with Amy that he wanted to share. It was his goal to be more attentive to self monitoring so that Brian would feel comfortable leaving him at home alone. He wanted to have that level of independence back. He also hoped to start driving soon. He didn’t want to feel any more dependant on Brian than he already did. Brian listened without comment. When Justin was done he told him that they were good goals for now. Not too crazy, but realistic. All three talked briefly about the next day’s meeting with Doctor Daly.

The evening passed uneventfully and Amy met them at the doctor’s office the next morning.

Dr. Daly was a gentleman in his early sixties. His area of expertise had been pain management for over twenty years. He had maintained this small office in Weirton for fifteen of those years. He was comfortable in this small town with its blue collar residents with their traditional values. He and his wife of thirty years hailed from Iowa originally. All of these elements played into the impressions both parties gave each other that first day.

Dr. Lebowitz had faxed Justin’s extensive file to Dr. Daly’s office late last week. He had also taken a call from the man’s physical therapist. He had looked over the paperwork, and could see that Mr. Taylor’s needs had thus far been well taken care of. It was always difficult for him to get a new patient who was so young. Thirty years old and saddled with pain typical of someone older than he was. What was a bit more difficult for him was the actual appointment. 

His first appointments with new patients were more about discussion than anything else. He wanted to hear what care they were already getting. Where they had come from. What pain they were having now, and how they were dealing with it. 

Mr. Taylor and Ms. Weimer were able to share this information with him. So was a Mr. Kinney. He was obviously Mr. Taylor’s partner. Long ago, Dr. Daly had learned to leave his private feelings at the door when it came to people’s decisions on who and how they lived their lives. But in the privacy of his home and his church, he was disgusted by it. 

On the surface their appointment went well. Everyone was able to contribute to the discussion of Justin’s needs. Dr. Daly was receptive to Amy’s plan and Justin’s goals. Brian got all his questions about specific pain management drugs answered. A followup appointment was scheduled for April. In the parking lot, Justin asked Amy to stay a moment.

“Amy, how do you think that went? Brian, you too?”

“I think Dr. Daly was fine Justin, he seemed knowledgeable about current practices and drugs. He was cordial, and well intentioned. Why?”

Justin turned to Brian, “Brian?”

“What the fuck does it matter what I think, he’s not my doctor.”

Justin pointed his finger at Brian, “That’s just what I thought too, he’s a homophobe. Don’t you think? I just got this vibe that he was uncomfortable with us. He didn’t do a damn thing to prove that, I just felt that way. Your comments confirm you felt the same way Brian. I don’t know if I want this guy to be my primary care provider if I keep getting this feeling.”

“Justin, I tell you what, keep the next appointment with him. If you get the same feeling next time, find someone else. Or take the trip to the city every four months to see Dr. Holt or Dr. Lebowitz. All you need is a doctor to call in scrips and see you when necessary. If you don’t like this guy and it’s gonna bug you, get another doctor. My only suggestion is that it should be someone who deals with chronic pain patients, that streamlines your needs a lot.”

Brian put his hand around the back of Justin’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss,   
“So I guess if I had grabbed your dick and stuck my tongue in your mouth to show my pride in your accomplishments thus far.....that would have done him in, huh?

“I knew you knew, I knew you felt it too.”

“Yea, I felt it, but most people over sixty make me feel that way. I agree with Amy, give the guy another shot. Who knows, maybe his son will come out to him this holiday and bring his lover to the Christmas dinner at Mom and Dad’s. Could change his whole perspective by April?”

Everyone had a good laugh. Then Amy warned Justin that they would be swimming tomorrow for therapy and said her goodbye’s.

Tomorrow, Jennifer and Debbie were coming to do some holiday decorating. It was meant to be time for the moms to get good face time with Justin. They both felt a little cheated, and now that he was home, they had cooked up this ‘decorating’ scam. Both knew perfectly well that Brian paid someone to decorate their house. They also knew that most years Justin was doing his gallery circuit in the southwest at this time, and would not be home. They wanted to shift the emphasis from what he was not doing to what potential there would be for this holiday season here at home. So before he was even released from the unit, Jennifer had approached Brian with the idea of spending time with her son. Brian never turned Jennifer away, and when he found out that Deb wanted a piece of the action too, he was not surprised. They respected Brian’s wish to have a very quiet holiday for the two of them and save all the family hullabaloo for when Gus and his family arrived. So they were coming, with some simple decorations, to spend the day. Brian was still paying someone to do the majority of the decorating, and they would begin their work tomorrow as well. Their first task would be to erect a 10 foot tree in the living room that would be the pallette for Justin, his mom, and Deb. A big day, even Brian was optimistic that it would go well.


	19. Chapter 20

Jennifer and Deb arrived by nine the next morning. Brian had been up for several hours, since the decoration team he hired wanted to begin by seven thirty. They had already placed the large tree in the living room and were making last minute adjustments to the garland and swags that they would place around the interior. Most of the crew was the same from the previous year, so Brian had very little to explain after their initial arrival conversation. He was now in the kitchen nursing his second cup of coffee. Justin was just finishing his morning swim with Amy when the doorbell rang. Brian answered the door and with a surprised look on his face took some of the many packages the women offered while greeting them both. Jen explained that she had picked up a few things for Justin, and had gone overboard a little. Once they moved into the kitchen they put all the packages down and Brian took their coats. Mrs. Kelly had laid out a variety of fruit and pastries as well as coffee and tea. Everyone sat down to have some breakfast and catch up.

“Brian, don’t you be mad. I saw the last time I was with Justin at the unit that his clothes were baggy, so I got him some smaller stuff. It’s mostly Diesel, I know he’ll wear that. And I also know that you can both buy your own clothes, so don’t lecture me, I just wanted to be motherly to him. Deal with it, okay?”

Brian held up one hand and shook his head, “I would never attempt to tell you what to do for your son. Although I wouldn’t tell him the way you just told me, he’s still sensitive about the lost weight.”

“That’s good to know, I’ll just tell him I came across a great sale.”

“Brian,” Deb interrupted, “How is he?”

“Well, since he’s been home things have been alarmingly fine. I’m worried our bottom is going to drop out soon. Right now he’s swimming with Amy. She wants him to do ten laps in the pool most days, to keep him limber. He had a great day yesterday. Today, his hands seemed pretty steady, and he was using both crutches, but used the stairs to come down this morning. All of these are good signs.”

Deb’s smile grew. Since she had retired from the diner full time she spent a lot of time at the Grassi house. Between duties there and watching the ups and downs of her son-in-law’s health, she was used to seeing suffering. Justin’s injuries had put her in a low place. She still worked the occasional shift at the diner, just to stay in touch with the local community and bolster her spirits. Even the diner work could not bring her out of the funk she had been in since Justin’s accident. Now, hearing Brian’s positive comments improved her state of mind greatly. 

“Thank God, I worry so much about him.”

Jen turned to Deb, “It’s like I said in the car, you have to stop that, Justin is a fighter, we’ve seen him handle this stuff before, and he’ll do it again. Plus he has Brian, let him do all our worrying.” She grabbed Deb and Brian by the elbow, “Today is not about any of that, today is about decorating a gorgeous tree, and listening to music, and being silly, and practically smothering Justin with waves of goodness. He needs it.” She let go of them and took a drink of her tea.

“While I was never one to get into the holiday spirit, and I still don’t get overly excited by it, Jen’s right. Have fun today. I don’t know that I want to join you, but I think it’s expected. So I’ll be there when I’m done with work.” Brian took his coffee cup and got up. He had moved through the kitchen to straighten things up when Amy and Justin came through the kitchen door.

“Mom, Deb you’re here already? How are you?” Justin smiled at them while he negotiated around the chairs to give them both quick kisses.

“Oh honey, we’re fine. How about you?” Jen was the first to respond.

“Yea, we’re just great, you look pretty damn good yourself. Swimming must agree with you.” Deb smiled up at him from her seat.

Justin sat down and took off his hat and coat. Brian took them from him and hung them up on the rack by the door. Amy made the motions of preparing to leave.

“Oh no, you don’t. Stay for something to eat Amy.” Justin pointed to the food and offered her the seat next to him.

“Not today. I have work to do for another client. Thanks for the invite, I’ll get you the next time around. So Justin, tomorrow I won’t be here, but if you do the same routine we did today that would be perfect. I’ll be here on the 22nd and we’ll talk about what to do over the holidays. It was nice to see both of you ladies again. Brian, Justin talk to you later.” Amy opened the door and with good bye’s from both men, she left.

Brian got Justin a plate full of food and some tea. He sat down with him while the Moms clucked. It was a warm scene, so different from scenes he remembered of his own mothering, but now very familiar to him. These two woman continued to show him what a loving, caring, devoted mother looks like. His mother was estranged from him now, they did not talk. That however, did not stop her from cashing the monthly checks he sent her to cover her expenses. He no longer saw the money as guilt money, but rather as compassion money. These two women showed him that regardless of what his mother had done in the past, she had done what she thought was best for him, and she deserved the help and support he could give. He had grown out of his foolhardy bravado of youth to agree with them. And so as his life with Justin improved and their fortune grew, he shared it with his mother and sister as well as Deb and Jennifer. No strings attached, no agenda, just to help. 

He was shaken out of his memories by Justin, “Hey daydreamer, could you get me some more pineapple?” There was that sunshine smile again. It would be a good morning.

Brian kissed Justin and grabbed his plate. He filled half of it with fruit, then topped off his tea. He embraced Justin and told everyone that if they wanted him to join them later, he had to go get some work done now.

At the table, Jen showed Justin the clothes she brought, explaining that the mall was having a super sale and she couldn’t pass them up. Justin smiled, but all three of them knew there was more to the story than just a sale. He thanked her and kept eating. After he finished they moved to the living room. 

The rest of the morning was spent listening to music, talking about everything possible, and decorating the tree with too many lights and ornaments. Most of the ones for this tree were made by Justin and Gus. Every year they created one or two ‘originals’ that they made in small numbers for family. Each had special memories and stories attached to their design. Justin dwelled a bit on the fact that this year there was no new ornament. He and Gus had not been together at Thanksgiving when they usually spent time designing it. But he did not dwell too long, his mom wouldn’t let him. When he grew too tired to string lights, Deb took over. When he could not stand to hang ornaments he sat down and his Mom took over. For the rest of the morning he sat on the couch unwrapping ornaments and passing them off to the other two women to place on the tree. While they worked and chatted, the rest of the house was transformed by the crew. Garland, lights, and other decorations were all placed perfectly to Brian’s specification, creating a beautiful effect in their home. 

Brian came into the living room around one asking if anyone had thought to feed ‘poor recovering Justin.’ He could barely get a word in edgewise, the three were debating and discussing every topic imaginable, right now it was the continued success of Michael’s store over so many years.

“Oh shit,” was Debbie’s comment, “Look at the time. It is after lunch.”

Brian went to the kitchen and pulled out the makings for sandwiches, Justin’s current food of choice, and salad. The other three joined him and everyone sat down to eat. 

While they ate the conversation lulled. Jennifer watched as her son struggled to get his food to his mouth, his hands were significantly more unsteady then they had been only a few hours ago. On several occasions her instincts took over and she practically reached out to feed him. She controlled herself. She also took notice to Brian, he was watching Justin closely. He was his partner, Jen reminded herself, he’s the one to care for him now. ‘I only offer support when asked’ she thought to herself. After most of their lunch was finished, Brian did end up reaching over to help Justin with the last of his salad. It seemed like a very normal situation, no one was put out about it, no one commented. This was the new Justin, who while 95% independent, still needed help from time to time every day. 

Jennifer thought of a topic she was not sure she would bring up, but since the day had been so wonderful, she took the chance.

“Brian and Justin, I have something to ask you. Deb and I talked about this on the ride out today. I know how you both feel about organized religion. And I know that Brian would probably never set foot in a Catholic church again if he had his choice. You also know that while I am not a grossly religious person, I do attend services every week at the same church Justin grew up in. I’ve attended the same church since before he was born. The people there are friends and I’m close to some of them. Many of them have been asking after both of you. They continue to pray for you every week, and offer to help.” 

At this point she turned to Justin, “You remember Mr. McNew, and the Kree family? They ask every week. Reverend Pierce also checks on you every time we talk.”

She took a deep breath and then looked at Brian, “I know going to an organized religious service is not your cup of tea. But these are people who watched Justin grow up, who follow his career, and who care about him. Do you think you could possibly stand to attend our midnight services on Christmas eve? I would be so honored and so pleased if you could show all these people how well you both are doing. They only ever hear me talk about you two, I would love for them to see you in the flesh, it’s asking a lot I know. Think about it.”

She looked briefly back at Justin, “Both of you.”

The room was silent. Brian looked down at his hands. Everything Jennifer said was true, he hated organized religion, he hated the hypocrisy of it. He had yet to be in a church that didn’t leave him with a bad taste in his mouth. But he also knew Justin had enjoyed his years of going to church. He talked about church camp with nothing but positive feelings, and he knew almost everyone at the church through some connection of groups or committees he had served on over the years. This one was totally up to Justin. He would not try to manipulate his hatred for the institution into a ‘no’ answer. 

When he looked up, everyone was staring at him. Justin had a little smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Debbie had a hand over hers, as if willing herself to keep quiet so she wouldn’t influence their answer. Jennifer looked pinched, as if she had overstepped some imaginary line.

“Well I guess this all falls on me, but I don’t think this is up to me. I will do what Justin wants. I will go enthusiastically if that is what he wants. I will not complain, make fun of the people there, or be a drama queen while in attendance. I will conduct myself with the utmost decorum as any mother would want their son-in-law to do. But it’s up to Justin.”

Brian gaze moved from the women to Justin, “And before you answer, think about this. You will be on display for these people. Yes, they are well meaning people you’ve known all your life, but right now you are an oddity to them. Something to stare at, someone to feel sorry for. You will be gushed at, stared at, prayed about while we are there. So before you go running off and saying ‘Yes, how great’ remember that.”

Again no one said anything.

“Oh Christ, let’s not sit here and watch Justin smile while his hands tremble....what about it Justin?” Debbie finally blurted out.

Justin reached over and put his shaky hand over Brian’s, “I want to go. I know our views are completely different. You still don’t know if you believe in God. I know that I do. That’s the least of this. I know the effort my mom has spent praying for me there, and doing good things for the community through the church. She does it all quiet like, she doesn’t have to advertise it to anyone, but I know. I also know all the people my mom is talking about, and I would like to see them. Show them that I’m not some complete handicap case. I know I’ll be on display, and that part will probably bite me in the ass, because it will get me down while we are there, but I want to go.”

Brian smiled back at Justin, “If you’re sure, then that’s what we’ll do. And I won’t give you any shit about any of it, I promise.” He smiled his patented snarky smile.

Deb clapped her hands, “This I have to see, are all of us welcome to attend Jen? I would like to come too.”

“Well I figured if Brian agreed most of our family would be there. Let’s hope the roof doesn’t get hit by lightening!”

The rest of the day was spent chatting about details and finishing the tree. Justin did not feel well for most of the afternoon. He shared this with Brian, and when the Mom’s moved into the living room, he took some of his stronger meds. They helped, and he dozed off and on for the rest of the day in relative peace.


	20. Chapter 21

Christmas eve dawned silently. Brian and Justin stayed in bed late that morning. It was just the two of them at home, no one was coming to clean or cook or decorate today. They had no schedule and no plans for the morning. The afternoon would be spent preparing for the trip to the city for services at Justin’s old church. They would eat something light at the loft, dress, and meet Jennifer around 10:30PM. The service was typically just under two hours long. They planned to come home afterwards, but if the weather turned or Justin was too tired they would stay at the loft. They needed to pack dress clothes and incidentals this afternoon before they left. But for now they were being lazy in bed.

“I should really get up and run on the treadmill. You could do some walking on the other one while I run.” Brian said into the back of Justin’s head.

Justin rolled over in Brian’s embrace, “Nah, I got the okay from Amy to lay off for a few days. I don’t think I want to go to the gym this morning.” He moved his hands from around Brian’s torso to caress his backside.

“Maybe I could get my cardio workout right here.” Brian smiled. “How do you feel, are you up to it?” Brian snickered at this last part. He could clearly feel that Justin was ‘up’ to it. Before Justin could respond with anything more than a smile, he took his hand from around his partner and brought it up in front of his face.

“I’m up to it,” was all Justin said. Then he took Brian’s hands and sucked on each finger. When he was done he moved his head slightly and they began to kiss. 

Brian took his wet fingers and without so much as a fondle, began to press one against Justin. Justin pushed back against his hand and exhaled as Brian’s finger tip entered him. Brian left it there, moving it back and forth in tiny increments, causing Justin to bite his lip and breathe even faster. 

“I need more than just your spit.” Brian removed his finger. It was quick and Justin was disappointed, but he knew better things were coming. Brian turned to the bedside table and got the proper equipment. Most of it was wrapped in a towel, and Justin did not see exactly what he got from the drawer when Brian placed it on the bed behind him. Both men stayed on their sides, Justin was now fondling Brian’s penis, licking his own fingers to use as lubricant.

“Here, use the good stuff, do it right.” Brian produced lube and squirted some on Justin’s hand. Then with some rearranging, both of Brian’s hands were free behind Justin, while Justin was caught in his embrace. Justin had a good idea what Brian was up to, but did not spend too much time thinking about it, he knew whatever he had planned would be good. So he continued his ministrations on Brian’s engorged member. Making the conscious effort to go slowly. 

Brian smiled and kissed his partner. This is what he missed. Free days with nothing but each other. Days to spend in bed, in the shower, in the pool, where ever, doing whatever they wanted. He put lube on his hand and rubbed his fingers together to warm them. All the while kissing Justin’s shoulder and upper arm. Since Justin had come to rely on crutches, his upper arms were getting a very attractive cut to them. It turned Brian on, and he wasn’t sure if that was sick or not, since the reason his partner’s arms were in such great shape was because his legs weren’t. That’s why he had yet to tell Justin about his secret turn on. It did not stop him from touching them and kissing them more often. Brian figured Justin already knew, but he still had not worked up the courage to say more.

His fingers were warm. He put the same tip back inside. It had a similar effect on his partner this second time. He slowly moved it in and out, working the one finger in all the way. After a moment he added another finger. With two inside of Justin he began to scissor them back and forth. Slowly, always slowly. He kissed Justin with hard deep kisses. His tongue matching the movement of his fingers. Justin was being fucked at both ends. Without saying a word Justin confirmed he loved this by increasing the tension and speed with which he stroked Brian. 

Having already planned out this sexual activity, Brian took the next step by removing both fingers to the tip. Justin cut off his kiss and moved his head back to look at Brian. It was as if he was questioning, ‘What now?’ Brian smiled all the while looking directly into Justin’s eyes. They did not kiss and they did not talk. They only looked at each other. Brian completely removed his fingers and Justin could here him working on something behind his back. Then he felt something. His eyes opened a little wider and his hand gripped a little tighter. And with a wink, Brian moved the long dildo into him. It was lubricated, but it was wide. Justin could feel instantly that this was the one that was thicker than Brian. Brian did not wait for his body to accept the intrusion, he moved it slowly but steadily deeper into Justin. Justin stopped, bit on his lower lip, and stared at Brian. No one moved as Brian finished sliding the entire length into Justin. They looked at each other. The mix of pain and pleasure was peaking for both. Justin’s hand was flexing harder and harder, squeezing Brian’s penis painfully. Justin was full, he felt as if he would tear apart. They both knew this could not last long. Justin leaned in and ran his tongue along Brian’s closed lips. This was the only signal Brian needed. He turned on the vibrator. With the additional facet added, they both came in a rush. The sensation pushing Justin over his edge, while the quick hard jerks of his hand brought Brian over with him. They were quiet for a few moments, eyes closed foreheads touching. Brian broke the spell.

“I guess you’ll want me to remove this now?” Brian whispered as he turned off the vibration.

“No,” Justin whispered, “I want you to walk arm and arm with me to the shower. I want you to hold it inside of me the whole time. Once the water is nice and hot, I want you to take it out and replace it with your cock. I want you to fuck me, not just plastic.”

Brian looked at Justin with surprise. “Holy shit, are you sure? I mean, can you stand that long in the shower? Well, it probably won’t be too long. Christ you’re turning me on right now. It’s almost a tease, are you really sure?”

“I don’t think I could stand the whole time you fuck me, but I know I can sit on you. Will that work for you?” Justin moaned a little and pushed his backside up against Brian’s hand holding the dildo firmly in place.

They ignored the mess on the bed. Brian stood and picked up Justin cradling him in his arms, but holding the dildo in place. He briefly thought to himself that Justin really did need to put on more weight. But Justin’s laugh and kiss brought him out of his thoughts. Once inside the shower both men stood for a moment letting the water wash over them. Justin was still impaled with the dildo when Brian sat down on the shower’s tile bench. He was hard again, the idea of Justin being up for more than one session at a time turned him on. He was recovering in leaps and bounds. This proved it. The days of endless fucking were coming back, and Brian did not need any other motivator. With his hand still on the base of the dildo, he turned it on again. Justin hissed and pitched forward to hold on to Brian’s shoulders.

“Sorry.”

“No, no, don’t be sorry.” Justin looked up with the most sexual look on his face Brian had seen in a long time. It made his dick jump. 

Justin grabbed the lube Brian had brought with them and poured an ample amount on his partner. Then for good measure he gave him several easy strokes. When he removed his hand Brian stopped the vibrator. He pulled it out slowly and discarded it on the shower floor. Justin was turned on by the empty feeling he was left with, knowing that he would soon be filled by something even better. 

Brian reached both hands between Justin’s legs as Justin bore down on his shoulders. Brian thanked himself for his continued work at the gym as he lifted the majority of Justin’s weight from his feet to Brian’s arms. In a smooth motion Justin opened his legs and Brian placed him on his lap. Justin put his chin on the top of Brian’s head.

“Do it.”

With Justin’s pull on his shoulders, Brian hoisted him up several inches. Then he made the calculated descent down on his cock. Justin was ready for him, having been stretched by the dildo until only a few minutes ago. They sat this way for what seemed like an eternity. Justin feeling the warm water on his back as he kissed Brian and smoothed his wet hair back. Brian with his hands splayed over Justin’s thighs, moving them slowly up and down his legs. And while he felt both scars on both knees, it was just part of Justin. The new Justin, he did not need to dwell on them. They were just part of who he was now. 

This time they were slow, their lovemaking lasted over twenty minutes. Both men tired by the time they were finished. 

Justin continued to have one of the best days of his recovery thus far as they prepared for what would be an eventful evening.


	21. Chapter 22

..And the Earth Shook

The luxury of a lazy morning gave way to a busy afternoon. Brian and Justin packed the few things they thought they would need and headed out to the city. Justin was feeling anxious and not a little angry with Brian.

“I can’t believe you packed that thing. I don’t need it, I don’t want it in this car.” Justin looked out the window, trembling hands crossed defiantly over his chest.

“Justin, we aren’t going to have this dance today. The day started way too good to go through all of this. I know you can’t possibly be queening out over me throwing your wheelchair in the back. You know as well as I do that we don’t know what tonight is going to throw at us, and we are going to be prepared.” Brian paused for a moment to let this sink in, “Now what is really wrong with you?”

Justin stared out the window. He refused to look at Brian for fear that his self pity would come pouring out of him in screaming gushes.

“So we’re going to leave it like this? Let whatever is pissing you off fester all day? Would you please think about how stupid that is? Whatever it is, I’m not going to get pissed at you. Just say it. I’m already on my best behavior, hell I’m going to a church on Christmas eve. My patience does have its limit.”

All his pleads were met with silence. 

Ten miles and what felt like ten hours of silence later Justin said flatly, “Nothing fits.”

“What?”

“Nothing fits.”

Brian was stunned, ‘where do I go with this?’ he thought to himself. “I need a little more information Justin.

“You know, every stitch of clothing I own is too big. I didn’t think a whole lot about it until my Mom showed up with clothes. Even those were baggy, she thinks I’m too skinny, but doesn’t even realize how skinny I really am.”

“Oh that’s all this is about? Christ I thought this was something more profound. And don’t ever refer to me as a label queen again. ‘Nothing fits’ man!” Brian smiled over at Justin. He took his hand from the wheel and grabbed at one of Justin’s, still folded on his chest. He intertwined their fingers and let them drop to Justin’s lap.

“I know nothing fits, you’ve been living in sweats for the past three months, they hide a lot. But I feel you everyday. I see you, just as you see yourself. I know you’re skinny. But I also know that when you first woke up at the unit, after 28 days, you looked like shit. Your cheeks were hollow, the skin fell on your fingers, you were ashen. But not anymore. Now you are filling out again. You have life back in your cheeks. You’ve put on a good ten pounds and it suits you. So yea, I know nothing fits, I see it too. You couldn’t see what you were like before, so trust me when I say, it’s much better now. Trust me, it will be okay.”

“But it’s like what you said before, I’m going to be on display tonight. I’m going to be watched by everyone there, and while I shouldn’t give a fuck, I’m not you. I don’t want to give the ‘poor crippled man’ image any more help than already exists. Now I have clothes that fall off my shoulders, making the impression all the worse. Fuck, why didn’t I think of this before now?”

Brian smiled as he watched the traffic outside. They quickly made their way through the city to the loft. He didn’t say anything, but thought to himself, ‘You didn’t have to, I thought of it, I thought of everything.’

They parked, unpacked the car and headed up to the loft. Brian was glad they had called ahead and picked up takeout, he was sure what was to come would take some time, and he did not want Justin to be rushed.

After dinner, Justin moved into the bedroom to change.

“I miss the steps.”

“I don’t, as long as there’s a bed here, I could care less what is in this loft.” He followed Justin into their room.

It was then that Justin noticed the bags and boxes on the bed.

“What’s all of this?”

“Consider it an early present. Sit down and open them.”

Justin sat on the bed and began with the shoe box next to him. Black Kenneth Cole loafers. Then he opened a large garment bag that held a new black Perry Elis coat. His smile was contagious as he opened the other garment bag, a Duckie Brown suit in slate gray with a complimentary pin stripe shirt. He searched the items to read the sizes, everything was two sizes smaller than what he was before the accident. 

“How did you... why...shoes? My feet didn’t get smaller.” Justin was beaming by this point. He searched Brian’s eyes to understand.

“You can’t get a new suit without new shoes, that’s a rule. And it pays to have the same tailor for 15 years. I told Gustavo about what happened, and he made alterations based on my descriptions and your past sizings with him. It won’t look as good as if you were there for the alterations in person, but it will look better than the suit you brought along, which is now two sizes too big. Merry Christmas.”

Justin was speechless, once again Brian proved to him that he was truly his soul mate, the man who could see every detail of his life and fill in the gaps and smooth over the rough patches. He leaned over and kissed him.

Brian pulled away and rose from the bed, “And what good would it be with you going into church with a hot new look, if your partner did not have one too?” And he opened the closet to reveal his own new ensemble. Black suit, white shirt, cream tie by Alessandro dell Aqua. Shoes by Zegna and a black Burberry coat. 

Justin’s mood improved exponentially and they prepared for services. His suit looked fabulous, not the crisp tight fit of Brian’s but better than anything he had at home. It must have been a good fit, since Brian seemed to have a difficult time keeping his hands off of him as they prepared to leave.

“Okay, okay.” Justin finally stopped him, “If you are going to keep feeling me up, let’s take ten minutes for some groping to get it out of your system. When he grab my ass it catches me off balance and the last thing I want is for you to grab it at church and send me flying down the aisle.”

“Fine by me,” Brian responded and commenced his all over grope and feel of Justin’s body in this new suit. “You look really hot, damn, no one will be able to see anything but how fucking sexy you are when we get there.” He kissed his neck.

“No hickeys. And you look damn fine yourself.” Justin held Brian out at arms length, “Thank you. Again.”

“No thank you, for being here. For dragging me kicking and screaming into a maturity. For making it easy to depend on you and others. Thank you, for not dying.”

The last part caught Justin off guard. He cocked his head to one side, brushed Brian’s hair back at the temple, and whispered in his ear, “You are still my hero. Merry Christmas.” 

They arrived at Saint Luke’s promptly at 10. Jennifer had encouraged them to come early, seating would be limited, and she wanted time for everyone to get settled. Brian circled the parking lot twice hoping to find a spot closer to the church, there were none. 

“I’m going to let you out here, but I want you to wait for me. Okay? Even if family comes, wait for me to go into the church. I counted ten steps into that thing, and there’s still snow on some parts of the sidewalk. No one walks with you into there but me, got it. I’ll park as quickly as I can, and come and meet you.”

“Yea, okay, don’t get all weird on me. I’ll wait.” Justin got out of the car, and with one unsure step up onto the snowy curb, he decided Brian was right. He would wait. Snow was drifting down lightly, a beautiful Christmas eve. 

“Glad to see you waited for me, damn snow is going to make the sidewalk slippy again.”

“I’ll be fine, just go slow and stay on the side opposite gimpy.” 

Brian moved around Justin as they made their way to the front of the church. Justin slipped his arm under Brian’s when his footing failed him for a second. The two walked slowly and deliberately up the steps and into the front doors. 

Justin had not been back to his church since high school. Before that time, he was here every week, in addition to times of special activities throughout the year. Nothing had changed inside. It was a large church able to seat a thousand people. Tonight it would be full. Seating was arranged around an alter at the front, five columns of rows, seats spread out like rays of the sun. The floor tilted slightly to the front, all flow in this building moved in the direction of the alter. As an adult Justin could see that, as a child he loved it simply because if he dropped a marble on the floor during the service, it would roll all the way to the front of the church before coming to rest at the foot of the alter steps. Tonight children were rushing up and down the long aisles, all wearing what looked to be new clothes bought especially for Christmas. People were in bunches, sitting and milling about, talking before the service officially started. 

Jennifer was near the back, speaking with a couple when Brian and Justin entered the main church. Brian held the door as Justin slowly moved though, then he joined him, and looked around for a familiar face in the crowds. The two of them made several heads turn. Some turned to look because they were unfamiliar faces, some because they recognized Justin and were surprised by his appearance, and still others were taken with how handsome the two looked. Brian helped Justin remove his coat. He put it over the pew in front of them, took off his own, and then draped both over his arm. Brian saw Jennifer walking towards them as Justin saw their extended family in a pew halfway down the aisle. Jennifer met them with a smile as genuine as they come.

“Justin, Brian, you made it. How did everything go today? You look wonderful. Justin, you look...I don’t know...something is different today, I can’t put my finger on it, but you look great.” She kissed them both, and easily wrapped her arm around Justin’s free one. 

“Brian, do you mind if I steal him, there are a lot of people who would love to see him.”

“No, I don’t mind, tonight it’s all about what Justin wants. I’ll stay close by, but by all means, Justin, go ahead.”

“Justin leaned over and kissed Brian, “Thanks, but stay close, my left leg wants to cramp for some reason, and I’ve been politely ignoring it, but I don’t want you to go too far, just in case.”

Brian nodded and smiled. Then he moved behind Jennifer and Justin as they began a tour of what seemed like everyone in the place.

People were genuinely pleased to see Justin. They greeted the two men and the mother with happiness. Many kisses and hugs were exchanged as well as introductions for Brian, who did not know anyone here. Justin took all the hugs, prayer praises, and comments with grace and a smile. Brian did an adequate job of keeping his comments to himself. 

After ten minutes of ‘meet and greet’ Justin turned to Brian, “I’m starting to get tired, let’s find a place to sit down.” Brian flawlessly replaced Jennifer on Justin’s arm and they began to walk down the aisle. Justin pointed them in the right direction and moved towards their extended family. Molly, Deb, Carl, Mikey, Ben, Hunter, Ted and Blake were all together, holding space in their pews for the three of them. Emmett was unable to attend, Christmas eve is a busy night for a party planner. 

As they slowly made their way to the rest of the group Jennifer could not pass up the opportunity to lean close and comment, “Never thought you’d be walking him down an aisle in a church, did you Brian?”

Brian smiled back at her, squeezed Justin’s arm a bit tighter, and Justin snorted out a laugh while they made their way to the rest of the family. 

When Justin was settled in the pew, Brian sat next to him, his mother on the other side. Their family was in a buzz, everyone had something good to say about Justin’s appearance, his returning healthy glow, his stronger steps, his obvious happiness. Brian’s presence here in a church also caused much discussion, but he played it down. He realized that tonight was about Justin, not him. He knew how to swallow his pride.

His concerns over a long preachy service were put to rest when Jennifer reminded Justin that there would be no traditional service tonight. The Christmas eve service had always been a Cantata, a celebration of the holiday with song. Yes, there would be prayers, but it would mostly be singing. 

The group rose at the beginning of the service. Justin wrapping his arm around Brian’s. Silent Night began on the pipe organ and the choir started. The congregation joined in, and Justin was completely taken aback when Brian sang with a strong voice. He did not hold any hymnal, and there was no way he could see the one Jennifer was holding for herself and Justin. His grip tightened on Brian’s arm. Brian leaned down during the chorus and reminded Justin, 

“Growing up in a Catholic church did teach me every Christmas song related to Christ’s birth, every verse. So don’t raise your eyebrows at me, I may not be a firm believer, but I know the dance steps.” 

The song finished and Away in the Manger began. Again, Brian’s voice was strong and clear. On the second verse Justin needed to sit down. Both men sat. Their family surrounded them as they all continued to sing. Brian noticed Justin’s hands tremble, and rubbed them absentmindedly while he sang. While the two of them did not even notice it, the rest of the family missed none of it. Jennifer and Deb silently cried with happiness over how good these two were together and how lucky they were to have each other. 

After the second song everyone sat and listened to the opening prayers. There was more singing, more communal prayers and requests, then the service closed with Joy to the World. The congregation was asked to stand, but Justin said he didn’t think he was up to it, so again, he and Brian were surrounded by their family. Michael put a hand on his shoulder and they sang. When the service was over and the crowds were making their way out of church, Brian turned to his family, “Are we done with our group hug and singing of ‘kumbaya’ for this year?” It let the group move out of their heavy emotional state and back into something lighter. 

Everyone hugged and gave warm wishes. Justin was once again smothered by attention. When the majority of the congregation had left, Brian helped Justin stand to get his coat on. He noticed right away that Justin’s balance was off, “Are you okay to make it to the car?”

“Yea, let’s walk to the vestibule and I’ll sit there while you bring the car around.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m fine, just weary, it was a long service.”

Brian escorted Justin to the back of the church where he was accosted by more well wishers. He left him sitting on a bench with Jennifer on one side, Deb on the other, both in protective mode. They allowed everyone to talk with him, but did not let anyone bother him. He was yawning when Brian got back. The rest of the group was making plans as to who was car pooling with who for their party when once again, Brian helped Justin to his feet. Justin swayed a bit wide and sat down hard. All conversation stopped and everyone stared at him.

“I’m fine, don’t stare at me. This is the new me, get used to it. Sometimes I’m not so sure on my feet. This is one of those times. I’m not hurting, so don’t ask. I had a great night, I didn’t overdue it, I’m okay. Don’t overreact, things are still good. Brian knows what to do, as do I, so I don’t need anyone’s help or sympathy.” The family was still silent. “Someone talk, say something mundane, or I might pop, right here and right now. Don’t any of you dare walk away from this worried or feeling sad for me. I can’t. I just can’t do it. Don’t.” Justin was tired. Brian was quick to help.

“Here, use gimpy and hold on to me. Will you be okay to make it to the car, honestly?”

“Yea.”

“Okay, then ditto what he said. And for the record, there was no lightning, the roof did not fall in, there was no earthquake, although I do think they are ice skating in hell right now. Tonight was nice, thank you Jennifer for asking us to come. We’re going home to a quiet day tomorrow. Then we will get the Canadian contingency on the 26th. All of you are welcome in our home anytime after that. Until then, stay the fuck away, I want him for myself and I want some quiet.” He leaned in and took most of Justin’s weight to help him up. Once he was secure with gimpy and Brian, they kissed their moms goodbye and left. 

The family made some chatter as they walked to their cars about Christmas plans for the next day. However, Justin’s speech was clearly understood, he was different now. Monumentally different, but still Justin.


	22. Chapter 23

True to their word, Brian and Justin were fine. The phone rang off and on all through the afternoon, well wishers and family wanting to talk, but knowing they were not welcome to visit.

Brian stayed in jeans and a sweater all day. He purposely made the day empty of any commitments. He wanted to be available to Justin. He was not sure how the midnight services would affect him. He was relieved when Justin seemed unchanged by all the excitement of the evening. Aside from his speech after the service, his mood was bright and his physical pain was slight. They took the return trip in relative quiet, speaking briefly about upcoming plans for Gus and their own holiday party.

Brian was still a little mixed on whether the party was a good idea or not. He was still very much in protective mode. He did not want to see Justin have any setbacks. So far, life at home was going well, his pain was manageable, his therapy was making improvements, and his mood was good. Brian felt as if he was standing on the edge of a large precipice, waiting for the push. 

He had two main concerns about Justin’s recovery, and wanted to talk to Amy in private when they had their next session. He noticed since their return home that Justin was eating less and less. This was a sensitive subject with his partner, so he wanted to run it by Amy first. He wanted to see if she noticed Justin’s continued weight loss, or if it was just him. He already felt a little bit like a liar on this point. He had assured Justin when he got the new clothes that he looked healthier, was getting back to normal. That was mostly true. However, since being home, Justin seemed to have stalled, his cheeks were still slightly hollow, and he just looked like he had lost more weight. The other issue was more troubling. Brian had noticed in the past few days when Justin was not using his right arm he curled it up close to his chest. It looked wrong. Amy was not due back for three days, and Brian was debating calling her sooner. 

Justin was outfitted in sweats and a diesel shirt, compliments of his Mom. He was very stiff when he woke up Christmas morning, but now that the day was progressing, things were improving. He was not interested in painting today. He stayed close to Brian, not doing much of anything. They sat around talking, napping, and watching movies. It was nice to not have an agenda. However, by late afternoon, Justin was a little stir crazy and asked Brian to join him on a walk. He wanted to take a first hand look at the guest house and make sure it was ready for Mel and Lindsey’s arrival.

Their property was surrounded by woods, with wide paths cutting through them and some close to the house. The gardener made sure they were passable, even with all the snow. So the two set off towards the stables. They walked in silence, the only sound was the occasional bird and their own feet on the brick path. Once they reached the stables, Brian opened the large end door, sliding it all the way open to let in more light. 

Since their initial renovation, the stables had not changed much. One wing was repaired and preserved and presently used as the gardeners shed. It held the tractor, gardening supplies, etc. There was even a small greenhouse the size of two stalls at the near end. Brian liked to putter here. He would never admit it to anyone, but working the earth was very relaxing. He did not do it much, but he wanted everything available to him when he was interested in repotting or planting in their yard. This was the end they entered. There was also an entrance at the middle point of the stables, but they wanted to walk through the interior of the entire building. The middle was a sort of entry way it was the entry guests would use. It opened to a large living room. The room was big enough for some comfortable leather sofas and a huge working fireplace. Brian was aiming for this far wing. This wing had been converted to a small guest house. On one side all the stalls had been opened up to make a large sunroom. The original wood and brick were still intact, but the exterior walls had been transformed from wood and sliding doors to large glass windows. There were several rugs scattered around and large comfortable wicker furniture. On the other side the stalls had been completely removed to make way for living quarters. It was small, a bedroom and bath, with limited kitchen capabilities. Again, as much of the original woodwork was preserved, with heated tile replacing the original brick floors. Everything was sparkling clean. Ms. Dytang had spent the last few days before the holiday sprucing up the area for guests. This would be where Mel and Lindsey would stay. Both men wanted to make a final pass through to make sure everything was in order. 

While Brian took a closer look at the living area, Justin sat down in the sun room. He felt tired. They had done nothing strenuous today, but he felt as if he had spent hours in the gym. He did not want to share too much with Brian. Brian was in a good mood, eager for the arrival of Lindsey and Gus. He also enjoyed Mel and Jenny, but it was Gus and his mother he coveted. Justin did not want to dampen his spirits with talk of aches and pains. They would pick them up at the airport tomorrow. They had the day to visit, then the crew would help Emmett and his team with party preparations the following day. They would watch more than help, but it was always fun watching Emmett. The party was four days away. 

“A penny for your thoughts?” Brian sat down next to him. Justin involuntarily winced and drew his hands closer to his chest.

“Just eager to have them all here.” Justin answered as he looked out the window at the birds eating from all the suet feeders hung in the trees.

“Hey, what’s going on with this?” Brian reached over and untangled Justin’s hands. He began to rub them while looking at Justin, hoping he would be honest with his answer.

Justin turned to Brian and was quiet for a minute. “They hurt today. Nothing terrible, the all over body stiffness from this morning is gone, but not in my hands. You rubbing them makes it a little better. They’re just really stiff. I can’t seem to straighten out my fingers much. I hate to bring this into our holiday. I don’t want to call any undo attention to myself, and I really don’t want to take away from the fun of having Gus and the rest of his family here.” He smiled a pinched nervous smile and looked down at his hands. 

“You aren’t doing any of that shit. Knock it off.” Brian brought Justin’s hands to his lips and kissed them. “How about we walk back to the house. Maybe make a little dinner. Later I might let you beat me on the X-box, your game choice. The movements might do your hands some good, if it doesn’t hurt too much. What do you say?”

“Yea.”

They closed up behind them and made their way to the house. Brian made some pasta for dinner. They weren’t bothering with the traditional meal, it was just the two of them and they would have all of that plus more at the party. 

While they were eating Justin brought up the topic of weight. “You know when you told me I looked good yesterday, you weren’t being one hundred percent honest were you?”

“Actually, I was, you look a hell of a lot better than when you first woke up.”

“How about now?”

Brian had to couch this in just the right way, he had a great opportunity, and did not want to blow it. “You still look better than before. I have to admit, I don’t think you’re eating enough. It seems like you aren’t filling out anymore. I’m sure it has something to do with being home and being far more physically active here than you were at the unit.”

“That’s not really answering the question totally is it?” Justin looked down at his plate when he spoke.

“Shit, I know it isn’t Justin, but I don’t want to get you worked up. What do you think about your weight?”

Justin let out a large sigh, “I don’t know, I don’t think anything horrible is wrong, I’m just not as hungry. I guess I just have to be attentive to eating, not miss any meals. Blah, blah, blah. Where do you think I’m at right now?”

“Oh Christ no, I’m not playing that game. Shit, your Mom bought you shirts and you queened because she got them too big. So I won’t guess. Just fucking tell me, and we can talk.”

“I’ve lost almost 12 pounds since I’ve been home.”

A lead weight dropped. Neither one said anything. Brian secretly thought the number would be smaller than that, now he really wanted to talk with Amy, or someone else if necessary. Justin waited to see what Brian’s reaction would be. So they were quiet.

Brian broke the silence, “And what do you think about that?”

“I don’t know. Like I said before, I don’t think anything horrible is going on. But I probably shouldn’t lose much more.”

“Clinically, you were at your ideal weight before the accident, right?” Justin nodded and Brian went on, “You lost 25 pounds during the worst of it. Then you gained 15 during the time you were at the unit, and had 10 more to go when you came home. So that means if you’ve dropped 12 pounds so you’re almost back to where you started.” Brian put down his fork, pushed away from the table, turned to Justin. He pulled Justin’s chair so they were facing each other. “This is sort of important. Are you all here? Not queening Justin, just Justin. Are you going to hear this?”

Justin looked into Brian’s eyes, “Yea, I’m all here.”

“When I told you how you looked when you woke up, you weighed about the same as what you do now. The difference is you have color in your face, and your body is working a whole lot better now. But the hollow look in your face, I see traces of it again. Your fingers, while unsteady, should not be boney like they are now. You are below your ideal body weight by a good twenty pounds. I’ll give you a five pound cushion. But that’s twenty pounds. I don’t think that’s good and I don’t know how to help. Now what do you think?”

“I need to put this on the priority list, right up there with PT and painting. Even if I’m not hungry, I need to eat at regular meal times.”

Brian nodded, “Yea, another thing that is not too monumental. Don’t dwell, okay? And let me help, don’t internalize everything. No martyrs in this house, okay?”

“Yea, okay.” Justin leaned over to put his forehead on Brian’s, “Thanks.”

“Don’t fucking thank me, I read the fine print, it’s part of the job. I seem to recall someone forcing chicken noodle soup into me, even when I didn’t want it. I’m just glad you aren’t as shitty to me as I was to you.” Brian took hold of Justin’s hands, “It’s really okay. Now finishing eating so I can kick your ass on the X-box.”

The day ended well. Silent worries were addressed. Justin’s hands did fine while they played Tomb Raider. That night both slept well, in anticipation of a hectic following day.

Sadly, Justin had to agree with Brian that he should stay home from the airport. The stiffness was back and worse today. He wanted to spend some time in the hot tub, soaking his pain away. Brian agreed that going to airport would not improve his condition. So after some simple fun in bed, Brian reluctantly left to get everyone at the airport. 

The quiet of the house was smashed as soon as Gus opened the door.

“Hey Dad, can I have the room I always have? I don’t want to stay at the guest house with Mom and Mam. Is Justin up? Where would he be, in the studio? Did you get good food? Or is it just the healthy junk you always have?”

“Jesus Gus, shut up! Get out here and get some of this luggage. And keep your voice down. I don’t know where Justin is. If he’s awake, he’ll be here in a minute.” Melanie smiled as she answered Gus. While Brian was never her favorite person, she had a soft spot for Justin, and was just as eager to be with him and talk to him as her son was.

Jenny came in after Mel. At ten she had the shadow of Michael on her face. She was carrying luggage, and some gift bags. “Can I stay in the main house too? I don’t want to sleep on a couch when I can have a whole room to myself here. Please Brian?” 

Lindsey and Brian appeared in the doorway, luggage in tow. “How long do you think you’re staying? I think you brought enough for a year.”

“No Brian, but with a pre-teen, and a teen wanting to impress we had to pack many options. They are so excited to be here. Gus told everyone on the plane that would listen that his real holiday starts today. Be nice.” Lindsey had a twinkle in her eye, her son’s excitement matched his father’s. It was good to be together again. And knowing they had an extended two and a half week visit, they could relax and really connect with everyone. “Are you sure Justin is up to this? We don’t want to be a bother to anyone.”

“You’re kidding right? He’s looking forward to this as much as I am. Speaking of which, let me take your bags to the back door. Then I’ll go find him.”

Melanie joined them, “Everything okay? Where’s Justin?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you guys head into the kitchen and get some lunch. I think Gus is there digging around already. I’ll be back.” Brian grabbed Gus and Jenny’s bags and made his way up the steps to the second floor. He dropped their bags in the rooms they typically occupied. He saw that his bedroom door was closed and thought to himself that it was a bad sign. 

“Justin, what’s going on?” Brian looked around the bedroom but couldn’t find him. Then he jogged to the bathroom, nothing. The only place left to look was the closet. That’s where he found Justin, passed out on the floor. He was naked except for the towel wrapped around his torso. Gimpy was just out of reach near his hand. 

“What the fuck happened? What’s going on. Justin, Justin wake up.” Brian shook his shoulder while checking his pulse. 

Justin opened his eyes and looked around, “What?” He looked confused.

“Justin, why are you on the floor of our closet? What’s going on? Justin, here!” Brian snapped his fingers in front of Justin’s face.

“Um, I’m okay. I’m okay.”

“No, you are not. What the fuck happened?”

With Brian’s help, Justin sat up, “I was coming in here to get dressed after showering. I guess I passed out.”

“Did you fucking eat breakfast after I left? Do you remember this morning? You got up with me and took some pain meds. You said you were going to go right downstairs to get something to eat with them.” Brian paused a split second. Recognition dawned on his face and his expression changed from concern to anger. “You didn’t get anything to eat did you? What were you thinking? You know you can’t take all that shit and not eat anything. It says right on the fucking bottles that you have to eat with them.”

“I figured I had enough time to shower, so I wouldn’t have to come back up here after I ate. I didn’t want to take the steps again. Shit, they work fast.”

“‘Shit they work fast,’ you’re kidding right Justin? You showered. You must have been up here a good hour after you took those meds. That’s not so fast. And we have a fucking elevator, you don’t have to do the steps twice.” Brian’s anger melted quickly as he searched Justin’s eyes. His hands had been roaming his partner’s body, confirming everything was okay. “Are you okay? Can you walk? Everyone is here and they want to see you. They’re getting lunch, Gus couldn’t wait. Let’s get you dressed and get you fed too. Christ, don’t do this shit to me. We just talked yesterday. You said you would stick to meals.”

Brian helped Justin to the ottoman in the middle of the closet. He grabbed clothes and helped him dress. Justin was quiet.

“And before you say it, don’t. I don’t want to hear your ‘sorry’ shit. Just be more on the ball Justin. Christ, okay? Remember, not a big deal. Just be attentive and eat for Christ’s sake.”

“Okay. But, I am sorry. Sorry I’m not reassuring you I’m really ready to be alone. I guess I’m not being smart about this.”

Brian could see the beginnings of a bruise on Justin hip. “Don’t be sorry for me, be sorry for yourself, you’re gonna have to explain this to Amy tomorrow.” Brian gently touched the outline of the growing bruise. 

“Yea, she’s good at giving me shit. Enough, let’s go downstairs.”

Justin used both crutches and they took the elevator. Everyone was in the middle of eating when they came into the kitchen. Another ten minute greeting followed, complete with hugs, tears, and laughs. When the room quieted down, Brian put a plate of food in front of Justin. He smiled a small tight smile while running his hand over Justin’s shoulders and whispering in his ear, “You’ll need all your strength for this crew, eat.”


	23. Chapter 24

Having Mel and Lindsey in the house was a breath of fresh air. They brought a femininity to the house, and regardless of whether anyone would admit it or not, it was pleasant. Abigail saw less time in the kitchen, since Lindsey loved to cook and bake. Everyone was relaxed, and spent time talking and joking while she created some of her best dishes. At home, their schedules were hectic, and Mel often joked that Lindsey forgot how to cook when the entered Canada. 

Lindsey was now managing her own gallery. It had showcased Justin’s work on several occasions, but she favored local artists working in primitive styles. Brian and Justin had been there to help with start up money, but the gallery now did well for itself. Mel continued to practice law in the equivalent of the public defenders office. She also did a lot of gratis work when she had the time. Both women were aging gracefully. Lindsey kept her figure, but her hair already turned white. She let it grow out and often kept it braided. Justin joked that she would soon have the look of artist’s colony leader perfected. Melanie had weathered endometriosis throughout the years. Dealing with this ongoing condition left her more settled. Most of the anger she carried when she was younger was gone. It also left her heavier, her slim figure gave way to the much more solid body frame of middle age. The two woman had grown closer and more connected with each passing year. 

It was easy to see that raising their children meant the world to them both. They doted on Gus and Jenny without ever spoiling them. The two children were poised, polite, and smart. They were neither arrogant nor dolts. They were typical kids. Gus was the spitting image of Brian, everyone knew he would be. But his personality mirrored Lindsey’s, he was artistic, a real free spirit. Jenny was a good combination of Melanie and Michael. As she grew more of Michael’s features popped up on her face. She had his infectious smile and a love for comic books that her father fostered. She was also brilliant, at the top of her class, could speak fluent French and Spanish, and had high ideals to help the poor like everyone in her family did. When the two of them wanted to share secrets, Gus and Jenny would slip into French. Spanish was no good, Brian and Lindsey both spoke it, and Justin knew enough to figure out what they were saying. Melanie’s French was improving, but the kids spoke so quickly, she couldn’t keep up.

The two were conspiring in French at the end of dinner.

“Okay, I think it’s great that you speak French, but for God’s sake, speak English at the table with the rest of us huh?” Brian yelled at them. They were quietly exchanging something at the end of the table, but as their emotions got hot, their voices got louder. 

“Dad, don’t flip, we’re done.”

Brian held his wine glass a little higher, “Well done, what the fuck was that all about anyhow?”

Lindsey, Melanie, Gus and Jenny all gave little looks to each other. There was something being planned in their eyes.

“Okay, now I feel left out too. What’s going on?” This time it was Justin. His mood was light, and he was smiling. He reached under the table to squeeze Brian’s knee. A non verbal reminder to go easy on the kids, they were excited to be here and to have all of this time with the adults in their lives. 

Brian took Justin’s hand and threaded their fingers together. 

Lindsey broke the awkward silence, “Why don’t we go to the living room? I want a fire and I want to be near that gorgeous tree again before we head out to Ben and Michael’s.”

Brian and Lindsey exchanged looks. Lindsey’s eyes had a pleading in them. 

“Okay. Let’s go.” Gus bolted from the table. Everyone could hear him running down the hall.

“Let’s get all of this to the kitchen.” Melanie started to gather the remains of the meal as she looked to Jenny for help. Her daughter picked up some more dishes and made her way to the kitchen. Brian and Lindsey helped too, and Justin made his way to the living room. With all of them working together, the dishes and leftovers were packed away quickly. Brian poured another round of wine for the adults, and grabbed Gus’ preferred water and a soda for Jenny. Then they settled in to spend the evening in the living room.

“Hey Gus, good job starting the fire. It looks great.” Justin walked over to the hearth, letting go of his cane to hold his open hands to the warmth. Brian moved a chair up behind him, so he could stay close to the heat. 

“Hey Justin, who helped do the tree this year? I can’t imagine it was my Dad.”

“No, you’re right Gus, it wasn’t. It was my Mom and Debbie. We had a lot of fun putting on all the ornaments and remembering making them over the years.” Brian sat down on the floor next to Justin’s chair and gently rubbed his leg. Justin was still a little disappointed there was no original ornament for this year on the tree.

“Hey Justin, it looks like some of them fell off. Look back here, what’s this?” Gus smiled as he reached to the back of the tree to retrieve something on the ground. 

Melanie and Lindsey were all smiles, as was Jenny.

“Oh no it’s not an old ornament, it’s this year’s ornament.” With a huge smile Gus gingerly placed the ornament in Justin’s outstretched hands. They were not steady, so Brian quickly placed his own hand underneath to quiet them. 

“What is this? How did you? When did you? This is, this is....it’s just. Oh shit, I can’t get it out. It’s beautiful Gus. When did you do this?”

The ornament was blue clay, sculpted in the shape of a snowflake. Each arm of the flake molded from tiny letters. The main branches were names like Debbie, Carl, Brian, Lindsey, Melanie. The smaller branches on the outside held names like Emmett, Hunter, Gus, Jenny, Ben, Michael, Vic, Ted. In the center, while from a distance it appeared to be a solid core, upon closer inspection revealed the name Justin. The entire thing dusted with sparkle, making it glimmer and catch the light from the tree.

Gus was leaning over Justin describing all the details to him. Justin handed the ornament to Brian and pulled Gus into a huge hug. When he finally let go he told him, “Thank you.” 

Brian had stood up to take the tiny object closer to a light source for further inspection. “Gus, who helped with this? How did you do such tiny detail. If I hold this ornament at arms length, I don’t see any of the names, but up close, they are all there. This must have been really difficult to do.”

Gus moved over and plopped down between his Moms. “Well you see, it was Mom’s idea. When Justin had the accident I was holding out hope that he could still come up and make the ornament at Thanksgiving. But then things didn’t work out, and I told Mam I wanted to make the ornament on my own. I told her I wanted it to be centered around Justin, because he’s done so much for me. After several botched attempts, I came up with the design on my own. But, working at a size I’m comfortable with, they would have been twice the size they are. Well, at school Mom had arranged for a guest lecturer. His area of artistic expertise is miniature works. I was already attending the series, so when I had the idea I approached him for help. He showed me the technique to make the tiny letters, how to link them, work the clay, unite them into one unit. And that’s what I’ve been doing the last five weeks. I finished the last one two days before we came here.” 

Jenny moved to the back side of the tree and brought out the rest of the ornaments. They were made in a variety of colors. Justin and Brian had the only blue one.

Justin was overwhelmed. He asked Brian for the ornament back, and kept looking at it in the light of the fire. Brian could see his shaking hands, made worse by his emotional state. So once again, he took the ornament and held it for Justin. 

“Gus, I don’t know what to say. This completes Christmas. I was never expecting this. Thank you.” He still couldn’t say much, he was too emotional. As always, Brian came to his aid.

“Gus, they are beautiful, you have a good eye, and a good hand for this. Everyone is going to love them. Thanks.” Brian hung the ornament on the tree.

The rest of the early evening was spent in excited chatter about the surprise. Around seven Mel, Lindsey, and Jenny packed a small bag and left. They were going to spend some time with Michael and Ben. They would return the day of the party. Gus would be staying with Justin and Brian. It all seemed so calm and happy. Nothing prepared any of them for what happened the next day.


	24. Chapter 25

Amy arrived early, hoping to swim some laps with Justin and then do some work on his hands. She met Justin pool side, and was surprised to see Gus already swimming. 

“He wants to get some laps in before my feeble body gets going. Cute kid huh?” Justin scoffed in the direction of the pool, then turned back to Amy, “Is it a problem that he’s with us?”

“It’s okay, he can stay. Do you want to start with the laps or do the hand stuff first?”

“Let’s do the hand stuff. I like ending the work out in the pool.”

The two of them sat down at the nearby table and chairs. Amy had noticed Justin’s reluctance to over use his right hand. She, like Brian, was also worried about his tendency to draw the arm up to his chest. Today she had a bucket of paper clips. She dumped them on the table.

“You know what to do. Go ahead.” Then she pulled out her book and began reading. She also watched.

Justin immediately used his left hand and his right stayed curled on his lap. 

After a dozen or so clips, Amy interrupted him, “Now use your right for the rest.” Justin looked at her with a funny expression. Amy could not place whether it was anger or frustration. “Is there a problem?”

“No.” Justin started. His hand was fine, a small tremor, but nothing too bad. 

Amy risked his anger by pushing the issue. “What’s the problem Justin? Don’t you think for a minute I didn’t notice you’re coddling your right hand. Does it hurt, is it tired, what? And now is not the time to ignore your therapist.”

He looked up from the task with anguish on his face, “This stays between you and me right? You won’t go sharing this with everyone, right?”

“Well, yes and no Justin, it depends on what’s going on.”

“Okay, I’m worried. I’m worried that if I overuse my right hand it will just get worse and worse. I’m worried I won’t be able to paint with my dominant hand. I’m worried that the pain will get worse. That I will lose the one thing I need like I need air. I’ve painted a dozen times since I’ve been home, every time it’s the same. I start out fine but end up with intense pain in my fingers and my wrist on my right hand. I can’t afford to waste time and effort on other things with my right, if I can do them with my left I do, and save my right for painting.”

It was hard for Amy not to smile. Justin’s concern was legitimate, but his problem solving was flawed. “Okay, let’s look at this rationally. Your pain level will never be predictable. You have to read the environment and yourself to know what the day may hold. First fact is it’s winter, so every day is going to be a little painful, cold makes chronic pain worse. Secondly, you’ve been using your hands a lot because it’s also a busy time of the year, people in and out of the house, and you are doing things you don’t even realize to tax your hand. Third fact, not using your hand will make it worse not better. That’s probably the most important piece in this puzzle. While you thought you were helping, you are making it worse.”

They both turned when they heard Gus yell out, “Dad, come join me!” Brian had entered the pool house. 

“Hold on, I want to check in over here first.” He walked over and sat down with Amy and Justin. “Why does everyone look so depressed over here? Did I miss something?” He idly played with the paper clips on the table.

“Justin?”

“Oh fuck, go ahead, tell him. I’m such an ass.” Justin smiled and leaned in to bump shoulders with Brian.

“Ohhh kay? What is this all about? Should I be worried?”

“No, Justin was just telling me about his innate fear that he will lose the use of his hand if he over uses it.”

Brian smiled, “Did you tell her you’re jerking off too much? I could help out with that you know.” Brian bumped Justin back.

“No, just that he’s worried about his right hand so he’s been using it gingerly. I told him his thinking is flawed. I was giving him some insight, it would be good for you to hear this too. First fact: the winter cold makes pain worse. Second fact: he’s oblivious to how much he really is using his hand every day. Third fact: not using his hand will make it worse. Fourth fact: you need to use the hand everyday like you would normally, so the muscles don’t dance around atrophy and then really make problems. My suggestion is a wrist brace. It might give some relief when you feel the worst episodes coming on. You wouldn’t have to wear it all the time, just have it here when you need it. It might be a good idea to wear it whenever you paint, to extend your time before pain starts to hold you back on any given day.”

Brian was relieved this had come up. It addressed his second concern. Since this solution was addressed without any real trouble, Brian figured he would bring up his other main concern and see what Amy thought about it.

“Hey Amy, what do you think about Justin’s weight?” Brian immediately felt Justin kick him under the table. He simply looked at his partner with a solemn expression, “Don’t kick me, she can address this better than you or me.”

Amy could feel the tension mounting so she didn’t mince words, “I’ve noticed it too. I was going to give you another week before I said anything. Justin, is there more working in your head than we can address? Do you need to speak to someone about your eating? I can’t properly address any psychological issues. Do you think we need to get another person on board for that?”

“No, I’ve just been careless. I need to eat even if I don’t feel hungry.”

“Yes, and more importantly since you are probably underweight now, you need to eat meals religiously and snacks too, to try to get back up to your ideal weight.”

“Hey Justin,” Gus had left the pool and joined the group. “I can help, you know, while I’m here. I’m almost neurotic about eating and snacking. I’ll get you in the habit, so when I leave you’ll be good to go.”

Justin put his hand out to grab Gus and Brian’s forearms, “Thanks guys, I’m really okay. I’ll take Gus up on his offer. That’s two weeks, maybe that’s the jump start I need. How about that swim Gus?”

“You betcha!” Gus ran over and jumped into the deep end of the pool. Justin walked into the shallow end. Before too long they were swimming in perfect rhythm. 

Brian thanked Amy for talking to Justin about the two main issues he saw. He also filled her in about Justin passing out. She wondered where the bruise had come from. That one worried her, and she shared with Brian that there may be more to Justin’s weight loss than just not interested in eating. Many people who suffer from chronic conditions have depression in some shape or form. They needed to be attentive to Justin right now, watch to see if what he was saying was true, or if there was some subconscious issue that would need to be addressed. They also talked about Brian’s need to travel for business sometime in late January. He needed to make himself available to the people at the Raleigh office, for at least a week. He also knew he could not leave Justin alone, especially after these recent issues had popped up. Amy said to let Gus’ offer work its magic, it may be all that Justin needed. They would readdress the hand and weight when Gus and his family went home on January 14th. 

The rest of the day, after Amy left, passed in relative ease. The three men went into town and Justin watched as Gus slaughtered Brian at racquetball. They ate at a small local Italian place they all agreed they could live with. Back at home they spent the evening in the studio, this time with Brian watching Gus and Justin paint. The talked about all the things they couldn’t when the moms were around: Gus and his latest dates, grades, the job he was hoping to land for the summer and if his moms would let him take it since it was in Pittsburgh. It was past midnight when they all went to bed.

Justin stayed up reading late into the night. He was restless and couldn’t fall asleep. Even after Brian gave him incredible head, and he returned the favor, he was unable to find sleep. So with Brian sleeping next to him he read. 

“YEA. YEA. YEA.” Justin heard the loud call and wondered what the hell Gus was up to at 3:30 in the morning. He didn’t want Brian to get up, so he pulled on some pants and grabbed his trusty gimpy. The yelling did not stop, “YEA. YEA. YEA.” Over and over again. Justin was convinced it was some refrain from a song that Gus was belting out, forgetting how loud he was since he probably had his headphones on. Justin got out of bed and made his way to Gus’ room.

He opened the door and began, “Jesus Gus some of us are trying to sleep.” But when he saw Gus he stopped dead. Gus wasn’t listening to music, something was wrong. He was on the bed his arms and legs drawn up in a fetal position. His eyes were open and he had a panicked look on his face. Justin thought briefly how helpless he looked. He kept yelling, “YEA. YEA. YEA.” Over and over. 

Training from years ago kicked in, Justin ran to the bed. He searched the bedside stand and found Gus’ kit. Inside were his supplies but no sugar, no cake mate, nothing.

“Fuck. Gus, I’m here. Shit, where’s your sugar? BRIAN! BRIAN! Get over here now!” Justin yelled as loud as he could. He never took his eyes off of Gus, he was looking right in his eyes, there was recognition there. “I’ve got you, we’re here, you’re not alone. We’ll get you some sugar, it will stop soon. BRIAN!”

Brian ran in the room, pulling on underwear. “Where’s his kit? Where’s the sugar?” He pulled up short when Justin told him there was nothing in his kit. He turned and flew into the bathroom. In the medicine cabinet he grabbed the cake mate gel. Then he was pulling off the top and running to the bed all at once. He knelt down on the side Justin was sitting on. He called out Gus’ name while he squeezed the gel onto his fingers. When Gus’ eyes shifted slightly to see Brian, all the while still yelling, Brian jabbed his finger and the gel into Gus’ mouth. He rubbed the gel onto his gums. He pulled out his finger and did it again. The next sixty seconds were frozen, Gus still yelling, Brian and Justin watching to see if the sugar would do it’s work or if they would need to us the glucagon pen. Gus stopped yelling. He began blinking, still breathing heavy.

“Dad?”

Brian squeezed onto the bedside with Justin and pulled Gus into a hug. “Yea, it’s Dad. Keep talking Gus.”

“Shit, I dropped low.”

“Yea Gus, you dropped low. But we’re pulling you up now. Justin, do you have...?”

Brian didn’t get to finish, Justin handed him Gus’s glucometer, already set to go. Brian tested him. “He needs more sugar. And some protein. Justin stay with him, I’ll run downstairs and grab some cheese and juice.”

Justin stayed put, talking to Gus, reassuring him everything was going to be okay now. Brian came back and had Gus eat some cheese and drink some juice. They checked him again. His numbers were more in range now.

“Oh Christ, before you start Dad, don’t. I did a lot today. You know it happens. I’ve been diligent, this is rare and you know it. It’s alright. Don’t tell Mom or Mam. They’ll freak. Just hover over me if it makes you feel good, don’t ruin the party for everyone. Please. Dad, please.”

“You’re damn right I’ll hover.”

Justin reached over to brush Brian’s back, “Brian, that’s right, we’ll hover tomorrow. Don’t ruin the holiday for everyone, for Gus. We’ve done this before, granted it was a long time ago, but don’t. Gus, we’re checking you every hour for awhile. This delayed hypoglycemia could hang with you through tomorrow, so your moms could find out. But we’ll keep it low profile. Okay?”

“Thanks Dad. Thanks Justin. Can I go back to bed?”

“How freaked out are you with sleeping in our bed tonight? Like when you were little, after one of these? If you don’t sleep in our bedroom, I’m gonna have to sleep in here.”

“Could we just drag a mattress in there for me? I don’t think I want to be in your actual bed with you, that’s just not right anymore, it gives me the willies.”

Justin smiled and giggled, “Yea, Brian have him in our room, not our bed. His family gives him enough fodder for the shrink’s couch, we don’t need to add any more.” 

So that’s how they did it. Gus on a mattress from the spare room, Brian and Justin in bed. Gus and Justin slept. Brian didn’t. He checked Gus’ blood sugar every hour and watched him sleep. It’s what he did. It’s what every parent of a type one diabetic did.


	25. Chapter 26

Party day was perfection.

Emmett and his crew arrived early and started cooking and creating. Mel and Lindsey showed up around 8:30AM. They came back to check in with Gus. Originally they wanted to make a road trip to Shepherdstown, WV for lunch and to look at some of the art. The town was a warm college town chock full of galleries and character. It was a pretty long car ride, but they wanted to be out of everyone’s hair for party prep day. Jenny was staying with Michael and Ben, waiting on Hunter’s arrival. They planned to arrive by 7PM, an hour before the party officially started. They were hoping to convince Justin to come along. Mel had pestered Lindsey about coming out to Brian’s place earlier than they wanted, she felt as if something was off.

Mel always had some sort of psychic connection with Gus. When he was little if he fell, she knew about it before he got to the house. When he was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes at age eight, she knew it was more than a bladder infection from the start. So today, when she got up and her thoughts immediately went to Gus, she knew she needed to see him, and check on him. She didn’t bother to tell Lindsey all the details of her foggy concern, Lindsey figured it was something with Gus and didn’t mind changing their plans at all. Mel’s concern was solidified when they called the house and a very pissy, very tired sounding Brian told them that, “There is nothing the fuck wrong now, turn off the maternal radar.” 

So in the midst of Emmett’s creative whirlwind, they arrived. They checked over Gus, who seemed no worse for wear. They grilled him about how his previous day had gone. They grilled Justin to check for discrepancies. They found none. And while none of the men outright lied to the women, they did gloss over the facts. No one wanted to turn up the ‘maternal radar’ for the big day. So they spent time catching up with Emmett out in the ‘party room’, as Em liked to call the living room. 

Meanwhile Brian was falling asleep at the kitchen table when Justin gave his arm a squeeze, “Why don’t you go to bed? Gus is going to go with us to Shepherdstown. You’ll have the house to yourself, except for Emmett’s crew, and can get some good sleep before tonight.”

Brian ran his hand over his face, “Yea, you promise not to over due it? That town is sort of hilly, don’t get any grand ideas, make Mel drive you everywhere okay? And don’t let him overdue it either. You may end up having to tell his moms what went on, they won’t let up until they know, and they’ll notice him doing extra checks. But I’ll leave that up to you two, you have to live with them today. And you sleep while they drive, no crashing at 8:15 tonight, okay? Oh, and bring some of that sinful bread, the tomato basil, from the bakery. You know the kind, I’ll sacrifice other carbs to have that stuff.”

“You got it, now go sleep, before he fall into your coffee cup.”

The two men kissed and hugged longer than usual. Gus’ episode from last night scared both of them. His handling of his diabetes was so great, it was rare that he dropped so low. He had only seized two other times in his life. Once just after diagnosis, and once when he was about 12. 

So the four of them loaded up into the jeep, and Brian went to bed. He had warned Emmett that he did not want to be disturbed, and if he needed anything, just go and buy it if he could not find it. Gus had not gone thirty miles before he told his moms everything. No one ‘wigged’ as Gus stated, but they were glad he had finally shared the truth with them. Justin was pleased that the emotional focus would be on Gus and his sugar today, rather than Justin and his gimpy body. It was a shitty trade off, but it was nice to focus on someone else.

They returned with a full car by six. Jennifer was already at the house. Deb and Carl pulled up as they were unloading. Family had been told to arrive anytime after five. Friends and business acquaintances were to arrive at eight. 

As parties go, this one went fine. It ran on into the wee hours of the night. Gus did fine, as did Justin. Friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances were all eager to see how Justin was doing. They were all eager to visit and catch up on all the latest news. Justin paced himself, making the circuit then sitting and letting guests come to him. There was only one time that his hands began to shake, but he realized it was from holding the same glass for too long. He put in down, did some stretches and massage, and it settled down. Gus never went low, and as was typical of him, was able to enjoy many of the tempting dishes offered.

It was this point that Brian watched over the course of the evening. Both Justin and Gus had a light dinner upon their return from the road trip, everyone did. Emmett had some new things he wanted them to test for him, things not offered at the party, but options for next year’s customers. But, true to his word, Gus was a snacker. He rarely went three hours without a little something. He knew perfectly well how to adjust his insulin to cover the snacks and extras he had over the course of the evening. And while this was nothing new to Brian, he never ceased being impressed with how his son handled it all. Gus did better than most kids his age. Brian’s feelings were equal pride and equal disgust at having to be proud of how his child handles this chronic condition. Tonight however, his pride was for something new. He watched how Gus ‘taught’ Justin to eat. 

Without preaching, or nagging, Gus would offer Justin a little something from his dish. A dish he had prepared with twice as much as he would take for himself. He would point out to Justin the food that would stay with him and the food that would burn off quickly. He stuck pretty close to Justin, leaving every once in a while, but always coming back to remind him to eat, “a little something.” 

Brian recognized that Justin knew most of what Gus was telling him, but it was as if he was hearing it for the first time. He was genuinely attentive and receptive. He even ventured out on his own to get more food. Something he would not have done if Brian had told him to do it. The only way Brian could get Justin to eat was to prepare it for him, if he left it up to Justin, it would get forgotten. But not tonight. Not with Gus at the helm. Maybe this was the jump start Justin needed. Brian hoped it worked permanently. 

The most ironic point of all of this was that for Brian, it was the pinnacle of the party. Not the people he impressed with his great house, the perfect food, his courageous lover, his happy family, his flawless wardrobe choice. No, for Brian, the best part was watching his son become a man right before his eyes. Watching him show compassion and passion, intelligence and wit. Watching him be more of a man than Brian had ever been at his age. 

Towards the end of the party, when only close friends and family were left, Deb found Brian. He was at the outskirts of a conversation between Em and Ted over who was hotter: Justin’s physical therapist from the hospital or the actor in the most current gay date flick. She tugged on his sleeve and Brian effortlessly slipped away with her.

“Baby, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’ve been watching you watch the two of them all night. They really are a pair aren’t they?” She glanced casually at the two of them laughing it up with Daphne and Amy. 

Brian’s reply was a broad smile.

“I don’t know what’s been going on here, I don’t really need to know all that shit anymore. But tell me one thing, they’re both okay, right?”

“They’re perfect Deb, just perfect.” Brian put his arm around his pseudo-mom of so many years. “He’s really growing isn’t he?”

“He’s almost a man now. So different from you, but so alike in a lot of ways. You should be proud. And I know you are, but I just have to say it sometimes.”

“Yea Deb, I’m proud. You know I am.” 

“And while I know you’ll never admit this one in public,” Debbie pulled Brian down to kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear, “He learned a lot of what it takes to be a man from his Dad, and his Dad’s partner.”

Brian just hugged a little tighter.

“Now I have to get Carl home, if we stay much longer, we might never want to leave.”

She gave him an extra squeeze and left to find her own partner. 

By 3:30AM everyone had left. The women were asleep and Brian was making rounds to see that everything was shut up. The house was a mess, but Em’s crew and some of Brian’s staff would take care of everything the next day. Justin was asleep in bed, having taken some extra pain and sleep medication to get some deep rest. Brian stood outside of Gus’ door and watched him sleep. His parental instincts, small as they were, could not resist. He walked in and while his son slept, he pulled a limp hand out from under the covers, and checked his blood sugar level once more. It was in range. While he was cleaning up a voice came from under the mountain of flannel, “I love you too Dad, see you in the morning.”


	26. Chapter 27

And so life went on. 

The holiday season drew to a close. Sadly, the Canadian contingency returned home.

The day Brian and Justin took them to the airport was difficult. Their time together was so luxurious, they had grown comfortable being together. But work called. It called for both Melanie and Lindsey. School called for both children. They had missed several days already, and could not delay their return. It was hardest on Gus and his Dad. The only positive point being that he would return for the summer to take the job he had been offered in Pittsburgh. All the adults were easily convinced that Gus would be fine. So when they pulled away from the airport Brian was unusually quiet. He stayed quiet. He cursed at the other drivers, but stayed quiet with Justin.

It was only a few short weeks ago that Justin had given Brian the silent treatment in the same car on Christmas eve. He smiled to himself, knowing better than to try to crack Brian’s melancholy. He would approach him later in the evening, but for now he stayed quiet. He thought ahead to a time when life would be truly normal for them. Brian going here and there for work. Family popping in and out of their schedules. And finally himself, working and traveling for business and clients. 

He vaguely thought of the trip he wanted to take to Italy, the trip that was meant to come on his 35th birthday. It was closer now than he thought. Would he be healthy enough to travel like that in a few short years? Who would go? Initially he thought he would travel alone for part of the trip, with Brian joining him later, after the nitty gritty of the art tour was over. He still really wanted to go alone, that was the way to see the artists, the work, the restoration. He had a client in Florence who continually pestered him to come help at the ongoing restoration project at the city’s famous cathedral. He would be cleaning hundreds of years worth of dirt from marble and mosaics. He wanted to do it. Now more than ever, it seemed important to him. Maybe in four years, at 35, he would be enough of himself to travel and stay in a foreign country at least three months. Of course, even before his accident and the Fibromyalgia, Brian would never have left him alone in Florence for three months. He would visit, they both knew that. So for their quiet ride home, while Brian brooded about his son leaving, Justin dreamed of a future far away.

That night at home, Brian finally broke down. It was hard coming. They went their separate ways when they got home. Justin spent time in the studio, then moved via the elevator downstairs. He wanted to go to the pool house and swim and soak. Brian hid in his office. He claimed that he had a lot of work to handle from the Raleigh office. When he heard Justin moving around in the kitchen he came out and brooded in the kitchen. 

“What are you doing?”

“Well, I’m getting something to eat, you want something?”

“Yea, is there any of Lindsey’s pot roast left?”

Justin opened the refrigerator, “Yes. Do you want it warmed up? I’m gonna slice it up for an open faced sandwich.”

“No, I don’t want a sandwich, but slice it for me too okay?” Brian came up behind Justin as he worked at the counter. He slid his arms around him and laid his head on the back of Justin’s head.

“I hate that they had to leave too Brian. It’s too quiet here. But think of the good things. Gus will be with you for three months this summer. You’ll be sick of him by the time he has to go back to Canada.” Justin put down the knife and turned in Brian’s embrace to face him. “You also have to admit, with the house quiet, we can be more ourselves, where ever we want.” He looked up and gave Brian a quick kiss.

Brian nodded, “Yea, you’re right. But I won’t be sick of him. I realized that this past visit. He’s really a man now, not a kid. Look what he did for us, for you, while he was here. He got you out of your funk, you’re eating and you look a lot better. You’re moving better than ever. I’m not afraid to leave you by yourself anymore. Hell, the two of you even went out, and you were the driver. That’s the last step. Once you were comfortable behind the wheel again, you would have your independence back. He helped with that. I’m amazed at what my son did for you, for us.”

“Yea.” Justin leaned in and kissed Brian again, letting his teeth graze his lover’s lips.

“Hmm, that’s nice.” Was all Brian said, but his hands and his body responded with a more urgent need.

Justin unbuttoned Brian’s shirt, amazed at how much his hands had improved. He rubbed his lovers shoulders and his back. He put his head on Brian’s chest, and while listening to his heart he held him tight. Brian cried. It was quiet, typical of Brian when he allowed himself to cry.

Justin continued to rub his back, “Go ahead, get it out. I’ll miss all of them too.”

“Shit, it’s not just that. It’s you too. It’s finally you again. You with steady hands, with a strong step, with confidence back in your voice. Finally. It’s all of it. It’s that fact that I have to go to Raleigh in a few days, and I’m not overly worked up about it. It’s all you last labs coming out normal. All your strength tests too. This was all so fucking long in coming. It’s been over four months. Four months of adjusting to changes and limitations. Four months of realizing that you are completely whole, even if you limp and always have gimpy at your side. It’s all of it.”

Justin smiled and removed Brian’s pants. As he rubbed his lover’s body he spoke, “You can stop that shit. While I love you all emotional at times, this is not one of those times. It’s okay now. Gus is fine, Mel and Linds are fine, Jenny, Mikey, Ben, and Deb are fine. Shit even your mom is fine. And so am I. To hear you say it is good, but you have to believe it. I’m fine now. We’re managing. Life goes on. You’ll be gone for ten days to Raleigh, and I’ll be okay. I won’t be alone, my Mom and Deb have assured us that I won’t be abandoned. Amy will still be out every third day or so. And just think, in a few short months, we’ll be heading out to Sedona. The second mural is almost finished, and rough works are already going for number three and four. I want to hand deliver the pieces, they have a lot of me in them, more so than some of my other work. And Sedona is great in May. We can roll in red dirt and fuck on the rocks under the moon. It will be good. It will continue to be good. Gus will come for the summer and not only work at the Grassi house at the volunteer internship he swindled, damn your son is as manipulative as you, and he will live with us. He’ll make his money at the part time job you or I will give him to cover his expenses. It will be good. In a few short years, I’m going to Florence. I’ll submerge myself in the local population. I’ll drink espresso in the morning at small cafes. I’ll spend my days restoring masterpieces. And you’ll come and see the great stuff I’m doing and be duly impressed. You’ll shop. It will all be good. So be done with this shit, and let me fuck you. It will all be good.”

Brian silently nodded and kissed Justin’s neck. Eating forgotten, they moved the food aside and Brian, now naked, bent over the kitchen island. Justin massaged and rubbed every exposed inch of Brian’s body. He licked, nipped, and sucked anything that he found appealing on his partner. Then he removed his own pants. Before tossing them on the floor he searched the pockets for something he had tucked into them before he left the studio. Brian heard the familiar click of the lube bottle and smiled.

Brian turned to look at Justin,“Always prepared, huh?”

“I learned from the master.” He removed his wet hand from his cock and ran his finger down the cleft of Brian’s ass. 

Brian turned away from Justin with a moan of desire and laid down fully on the marble grabbing the opposite side.

Justin’s finger found his hole and played there. He teased the skin, making Brian push back, wanting more. Wanting him inside. He leaned over and nibbled his lover’s shoulder blade at the exact moment his finger penetrated his anus. The reaction was exactly what he wanted. Brian sucked in a breath and whispered his name. Justin moved his finger slowly in and out. He continued for what felt like an eternity, allowing Brian’s lust and his own desire to build. His movement was methodical, calculated, and in perfect control. He added another finger, and another. Brian continued to moan. With each thrust of his finger he felt his lover’s tension build. Brian moved in small jerks backwards, catching Justin’s hard cock. The whisper of a tickle caused Justin to moan. They both increased the speed of their movements. Then just as easily as Brian had taken control, Justin took it back. He applied pressure with one hand on Brian’s hip, while curling his fingers deep inside his lover. Brian stopped moving. He was silent as he waited for Justin’s next move. It was a moment before Justin continued, he wanted this to last a long time, and he wanted to pace himself and his eager lover. He removed all but one finger and went back to moving it in and out of Brian’s eager body. This time he pushed his index finger as far into Brian as he could, slowly. Then out the same way, moving his finger in small arcs as he went, knowing Brian loved this particular technique. He would have continued all night if it weren’t for the single word uttered quietly in the kitchen.

“Justin” Brian’s voice was a whisper, heavy with desire.

Justin took pity on his lover and removed his finger. He grabbed a clean towel from nearby and wiped off his hand. Then he applied more lubricant and positioned himself over his lover. He held Brian’s hip as he felt himself sinking into Brian’s body. He moaned right alongside Brian as he sank deeper and deeper inside. As was his style, he moved slowly. He pulled out to the point of Brian’s body giving a slight shudder, then slowly back inside. In so far that he ground into his lover’s prostrate. But then the lust building inside of him was too great. He increased his speed, not out or in as far now. Now it was the tight quick feeling he needed. Then, like always, it happened. Brian’s body began to shake, he tightened around Justin until he could no longer move. Justin made every effort to rock his body and his cock in and out of Brian, but Brian was climaxing. His body pumped spastically into the air and back onto Justin. His yell was guttural and full. He stopped on a down stroke trapping all of Justin inside of himself. While his body froze, Justin’s came. He tried to move, but was still trapped slightly by Brian’s climax. He managed three more thrusts and them came inside of his partner. A lot of their relationship was still tied up in their sex, they comforted, loved, apologized, recognized each other with sex sometimes. All of this wrapped up in a physical act.   
Justin let himself stay inside of Brian. For as long as they could they stayed still. It was Justin that broke the silence, “ You see Brian, it will all be good.”

And it was with this that the hiccup was done and life continued. Life always does.


End file.
